scorpio season feels.

note: this post is directly pulled from my 11/3/21 email newsletter without edits. this time, as a bonus, this blog post will include my awareness practice section, which is typically reserved exclusively for newsletter subscribers (subscribing is currently free!). if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

last time, we began a series introducing my new offering: 1:1 astrocartography sessions!

learn more about how these sessions work and book an astrocartography reading here.

this time, my note is relatively short, and my prime invitation is for you to dig into the scorpio season themed awareness practice prompts later in this email.

what is scorpio season?

depth. passion. power. intimacy. mystery. intensity. courage. magnetism. rebirth. release.

who is scorpio season?

raw. real. soulful. perceptive. psychic. independent. original. sharp. outspoken. clever. candid. honest.

why is scorpio season?

this alchemical time asks us to surrender to the undercurrents of life and to stare our deepest selves straight in the face. ruling the sign of scorpio is the planet pluto, which is often experienced as confronting and sometimes even burdensome— but only ever to call us more firmly into our power and rebirth us into the witnessing of a more honest self.

but like, what the fuck, seher?

i know. it's kind of the most. for me right now, scorpio and pluto are definitely like, “bitch, hi.”— more precisely as a cacophony of varied chaos and grief that i guess are asking me to surrender and release and get clear or whatever. so rude.

but this is how we grow and find more meaning in our joy, right?

so that's why i got all the awareness prompts for you— to meditate on, deep dive into, let marinate in the back of your mind, reflect on, converse about, or throw in the trash (only to later pull out a crumpled piece of email at the exact right moment, and finally be like, “aha!”).

here's to fortitude and agile flow in riding deep and sometimes turbulent waters. and here's to the unique peace and wisdom found when we allow our pain and our shadows tender loving space.

awareness practice.

1. your truth.

which parts of your true self do you have trouble owning and accepting?

where are you not speaking or embodying your truth? how has this been hurting you? what would it look like to stand boldly in whatever it is you have to say and whoever it is that you are— and own it? how would that feel?

imagine your most authentic self. who are you? what is it you stand for? how do you look, feel, think, and move? what do you want? what do you do? what will you not do?

what helps you feel most embodied in your authentic self?

2. facing it.

which parts of yourself or your life do you avoid excavating and taking an honest look at? why?

how have you been lying to yourself or others? are you ready to tell the truth? what might that look like?

which areas of your life could benefit from some radical honesty— whether to yourself or others? what do you need to get more raw and real about in your life?

what’s something you keep trying to ignore but won’t go away? what if you stared it right in the face this time? told it: “let’s go!”? what would that look like? and how might confronting this thing free you?

is there a part of your shadow or darkness that particularly scares or intimidates you? what if you offered this part of you some deep, tender love?

what in your life needs to die in order to create space for the new?

3. desire + risk.

what, specifically, is it that you most deeply desire? what, if anything, is keeping you from this?

what is the one thing that you most earnestly dream about for your life? how would it feel to promise yourself that you’re going to make this happen and believe your own hype?

if you could release the one thing holding you back in your life, what would it be? what’s the first step you can take to make this happen?

what would happen if that one goal you keep procrastinating you finally made a priority?

what’s a meaningful risk you’ve been hesitant to take? how would your life be different if you took this bet on yourself? how would even the simple act of giving yourself this chance impact your relationship with yourself?

4. power.

what is your relationship to power? do you judge it? hide from it? resent it? test it? spar with it?

how do you diminish and undercut your own power? what’s one thing you can start doing today to take your power back?

who would you be if you were fully in your power? how would a balanced and grounded embodiment of power express through you?

5. intimacy.

what can you do to deepen presence and intimacy with yourself? your relationships? with life itself?

6. muse.

if you could pick a scorpio muse to help you embody your unique passion, power, and magnetism— who would it be?

when clients try to shame you for asserting your price or terms

note: this post is directly pulled from my 7/16/21 email newsletter without edits. if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

in my view, shame is most often— if not always— a manipulation tool we’ve inherited from our oppressors. as a tactic, it functions to defer our own weight onto others when we see no other option, when we know no other way; so out of desperation, we adopt a way that is reckless, impulsive, and uncompassionate. a reflection on the various ways we employ and experience shame is a note for another day, though. in the meantime, holler at brené brown, whose research also happens to indicate that shame is an ineffective tool for long term change.

today, i want to continue the conversation from last time on honoring our contributions and being unabashed in naming our price. this time from the perspective of when people try to shame you for stating your price or outlining your terms because they think it’s too much or that you don’t deserve it.

for those of you who may be experimenting with asking for more at work or asserting any variety of your needs and wants in life, your journey may well include people who inadvertently project their limitations onto you in interest of “teaching” or “protecting” you. these people may include friends, family members, clients, colleagues, acquaintances, public figures, teachers. they may want to instruct you on:

• the extent of your personal worth

• the ceiling of your work’s value

• what you should or should not ask for

• what you are and are not ready for

• where you should be more “humble”

• where you should expect less

• where you should put your head down and be grateful

• where you should be silent

• where you should limit your needs and wants

while often well intentioned and perhaps even holding grains of truth, these are not assessments others get to make for us. and to be real, a lot of workplace and industry norms are toxic as fuck. so bye.

yes, be actual humble. yes, don’t be an entitled ass. yes, some things take time and experience.

but also, i’ll take my standards without shame, thank you. and— don’t prescribe your reality onto mine.

then! then there are the people who are somehow threatened by you standing in your worth— often subconsciously. and they will knowingly or unknowingly be very mean as a result.

what follows are four vignettes from across my ten years as a photographer when people tried to shame me for asserting my price or terms.

2009. the party promoter friend.

within the first year of me shooting, i became a regular photographer for a friend’s party. after successfully shooting their first two or three parties for free or no more than $50 (my memory isn’t the best), i had a meeting with him to discuss making me the party’s resident photographer and to negotiate a new fee.

when i stated my price, which i felt was reasonable— probably something like $200-300 for four or five hours of shooting— my friend scoffed. he said they could get a photographer from the fader magazine to shoot the party for free or very little.

i honestly can’t remember if i agreed to his shit price and if i kept shooting the party or not. but i do remember that i smelled the manipulation from a mile away; if he loved the fader photographer so much, why wasn’t he talking to them instead? i also knew that he was name dropping a photographer from a popular magazine in attempts to shame a newbie photographer like me who he thought shouldn’t have dared to ask for more than a few more pennies.

i remember leaving that meeting thinking less of that friend instead of myself. 

2012. the musician.

i was elated when someone whose music i loved happened to catch wind of my photography and said he wanted to work together one day. a couple years later, he came to my town to shoot with me. because he didn’t have a financial budget, we agreed on a barter situation with somewhat of an open-ended timeline for his part.

when something like a year passed and we hadn’t had as much as a follow-up meeting to discuss his end of the barter (after a few attempts on my end), i reached out to ask about his planned timeline to publish the photos as the project he initially wanted to use them for kept getting delayed. since we hadn’t made traction on completing our exchange, i was hoping to at least be able to use the images in my portfolio sooner than later and emailed to ask what he thought about that.

after radio silence from him for several months and assuming i’d been brushed off, i emailed him again to let him know that i’d be publishing a few of the photos to my website. while understandable that he was upset about me making a unilateral decision about the photos, he took his frustration as an opportunity to tell me how long he’d been in business and that i didn’t have the resume to dictate the terms of an agreement. more than anything, this felt like a hollow, cheap blow.

he also made a point to offer character assessments about me and tell me that he ‘didn’t like me anyway.’ kind of like when a child gets mad and then tells the other person, “well, you’re ugly!”

regardless of any merits his side of the story may have held, i remember being so put off by the idea that one has to have a certain kind of resume or seniority in order to have a right to assert their standards, terms, or needs. it’s antiquated bullshit that i’ll never get with.

my work was good enough to take his photo but my resume wasn’t good enough to assert what i wanted? does not compute.

2017. the girl boss startup founder.

i met this brilliant lady founder at a women’s community space; she looked at my work on her phone on the spot and was immediately impressed; making a point to emphasize how picky she was, her history in advertising, and how exceptional my work was. i appreciated being seen in that way and felt we had really established a mutual sense of respect and good will. so when she later suggested we shoot her new campaign together, i was all about it.

early in our meeting, it became quite clear that she didn’t have much of a budget. and because i was such a fan of her, her brand, and her creative direction, i was down to do the shoot as a portfolio project and to help build a relationship with her.

i told her to not worry about budget and to just walk me through the parameters of the project. throughout, she kept trying to press me about price and i kept telling her that even if we did the shoot for free or at cost, i’d be down— i just wanted to build and collaborate.

finally, when she kept pushing, i relented. i told her that my actual fee would be in the tens of thousands of dollars, but that i could give her some sort of stipend rate if she was insisting on paying me something. i probably gave her a figure anywhere from $1000-5000.

just like my friend in 2009, she scoffed and said something like, “i have a photographer who’s shot for vogue do my campaigns for $500.” never mind that vogue is known to rarely pay their photographers or often pays shit when they do. also, when i researched later, i came to find that said photographer shot for teen vogue (which is an incredible publication, but that’s besides the point here).

this woman went out of her way to try and make me feel ashamed for naming a heavily discounted rate that she repeatedly insisted i offer. after i’d already said i’d shoot for free. what are people— really? don’t take the bait, bb’s! sometimes people who you think should know better, people you think are comrades, people you look up to— are also supremely basic.

2019. the artist.

this one was avoidable and definitely a lesson for me. a client wanted some portraits for an upcoming project. simple enough. but their usage needs for the photos were new for me and required that i research the appropriate licensing fees. because the client had limited information available on some usage parameters i’d requested, it became harder to come up with my fee and delayed my pricing process.

in the meantime, because i was really excited about this person and was really rooting for their work, i began planning conversations about the shoot with them in good faith— before finalizing the price. i also gave them much more of my time than i normally would have because i felt a certain kinship with this person and really wanted to support them.

where i really messed up is when i agreed to schedule the shoot without having finalized the price. i made clear over the phone and also in writing that i’d take a deposit to cover the shoot time and then be in touch about the per image licensing fee asap. they agreed.

because i wanted to— i took my time with the shoot (more than they’d paid for), offered them food, and even chatted with them in my home for a couple hours after the shoot.

when i ultimately sent over my per image licensing rates, they were appalled and told me they’d already paid in full. they informed me they’d spoken with a lawyer friend and seemed to be threatening legal action. somewhere in there was also a phone conversation where they basically yelled at me and insulted me. and, naturally, the legal information they obtained about copyright was false— photography copyright law is much more nuanced than people, including lawyers, realize.

nonetheless, they decided to use their working understanding of copyright to slight my work—insinuating that a photo was just a photo and not actually art. and that therefore i didn’t have an artist’s rights over my own work. cute.

the way this person went from 0-100 felt like a trauma response related to something much deeper. something that had nothing to do with me. so i decided that de-escalation and removing myself from the situation as swiftly as possible was the wisest course of action. so that’s what i did. i think i might have even refunded them their money because i wanted a clean break from their energy.

my lesson: never start on a project before fully confirming the rate and terms. even if you think you’re friendly.

the takeaway.

interesting to note is that each of these people held at least one, if not several marginalized identities— some of which we shared— and yet still felt compelled to try and knock me down a couple notches. our internalized oppression and trauma responses are really something, y’all.

even though these folks tried their best to pull me down, i never let their manipulations convince me that my work was worth less.  despite being someone who often questions myself, i tend to hold the line when i’m in business mode. i don’t fully know why, but it is what it is. maybe it’s an exercise in trying to remind myself that i am worthy, even if i don’t always believe it— an attempt to work from the outside in.

these instances, instead of being about me, are about the limited imaginations and/or insecurities of others. they illustrate how people will sometimes resort to consciously or unconsciously causing harm to others in order to preserve their own egos and maintain a certain sense of security.

people can have a hard time seeing others win in ways they deep down question they ever could; the audacity to stand in your worth can feel like an affront, so they project their shame and unresolved sense of inadequacy onto you.

some people can only feel up when others are down, as they say.

“how dare this rookie make demands when i never did? when my idols and mentors never did?”

that’s on them— not you.

their shame is not yours. cancel that noise.

re-emergence anxiety

NOTE: this post is directly pulled from my 6/10/21 and 6/16/21 email newsletters with light edits. if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

re-emergence anxiety, part one.

we are on the cusp of a great post-vax re-emergence. and there are thoughts. many, many thoughts.

in a recent instagram survey i held, 74% of people reported initially feeling relief (vs. panic) when forced to slow down because of the pandemic. i think: we’ve been waiting to catch up to ourselves. and i believe this marks one reason why re-emergence feels so scary: we don’t want to give up our relative peace. and oh, how i relate.

i find myself experiencing two kinds of re-emergence right now— getting back on social media after experiencing the majority of this last post-pandemic year off it, and for the first time in a long time, considering some sort of existence that includes in person hangs and life (once i finish my vaccinations). to note, i’ve been extra strict about quarantining so i haven’t hung out with any friends. at all. aside from a few brief occasions where a friend came to literally *just* pick up or drop off something at my house, i haven’t even laid eyes on a friend in the flesh. what a world.

add to that that i’ve been unusually quiet and inward for most of the last year— on and offline.

for one, i haven’t really been working, which meant even less people and “regular life” exposure. many of you may not know this, but until pandemic, my main gig for ten years was as a photographer. the pandemic effectively laid me off from that work. and i got the message: to dive deeper into other work i’d been wanting to explore more for some years now.

and with that transition came the invitation for some deep healing and big life changes. to move forward healthfully and with integrity, i knew i would require lots of quiet and lots of space. i had to turn off the barrage of inputs and pause my reflexive habituations. and frankly, i’d been meaning to take a break from my often toxic and addictive relationship with social media for a minute. this whole multifaceted life overhaul? i am still very, very much in it. yep, even a year later. no overnight success stories over here.

so i went silent. even though i knew the implications that being MIA online could have on my social health and thus my mental health to a degree— especially during a pandemic. but the mental health impacts of staying on social were wearing on me more. above all, spaciousness and silence were what i needed most.

as expected, without the convenient reminders that i existed, people generally stopped checking for me— clients, acquaintances, friends. it was a weird and sometimes shitty feeling to feel absolutely irrelevant and near forgotten; did i matter if i wasn’t producing, wasn’t visible? it’s almost as if my existence itself had fallen victim to “pics or didn’t happen.”

in a way, i felt like because i stopped “happening” for the world and my community, i’d stopped existing for them. my sense of social invisibility seemed exacerbated tenfold by the fact that i chose to be offline during a time of physical isolation. and the isolation really, really got to me at times— especially in a world where our only connection had become the internet.

i know my decision would be unbearable for many to go through with. it sounds almost unfathomable to self-select becoming so isolated during the pandemic. but having overdone it with the “lone wolf” isolationist identity over the years, aloneness is not necessarily new for me. and yet still, that doesn’t mean i didn’t experience crippling loneliness at times. the kind that put me into some of my darkest periods. the kind where i marvel that i made it out.

even so, this aloneness was different than that which i’ve previously self-imposed due to mental health, friendship traumas, insecurities, dark nights of the soul, and social anxieties.

this was aloneness with true quiet. aloneness without mundane-yet-soul-crushing internet noise and largely junk food social media “connection.” an aloneness centered on and enriched by intentionality, carefully curated inner and outer space, mindful awareness, and fluid pace. in many ways, i didn’t want to let this ecosystem i’d created for myself go.

but then, you know: work. money. and the pockets of beautiful connection you do sometimes find on the internet.

i knew i was eventually going to come back. generally because i knew that social was the primary way most folks besides my closest friends were going to remember i existed. so while part of me enjoyed the simplicity of an anonymous life, another part of me wanted to be remembered. and though the idea of emerging from my cocoon overwhelmed me considerably, i wanted to be in mutual exchange. also, kind of depressingly, i recognized that by not keeping up with my closer friends on social, i was missing out on certain parts of their lives.

although a part of me wanted to take my perceived forgottenness personally, i recognize that in the age of the internet, we all “know” far too many people on and offline— more than our brains can actually hold; it’s unrealistic to keep track of everyone.

truth be told, for years i’ve made lists of my real-life friends and acquaintances to help me remember who i want to stay connected with most. and so when i inevitably got caught up in whatever flurry of life i’d created for myself, i don’t absentmindedly forget who matters to me (also because my memory seriously challenges me sometimes). i realize i’m extra, though, and that people are not out here making lists so they can remember me. i also understand that scientifically, people can hold only so many social contacts in their brains at a time. so, unfortunately, becoming some version of forgotten is a byproduct of the passively hyper-connected world we live in.

despite knowing this, the perceived erasure of my existence and relevance was still a bizarre phenomenon, and really made me think about the commodification of our humanity via the capitalistic constructs we are basically forced to exist in. i found myself often revisiting existential questions like these and these, with no real answers. i also thought a lot about the beauty of quietude, slowness, true presence— and how much we’ve become disconnected from these values as a culture. 

so the question begs itself: what is balance inside of the technological environments (read: cages) we inhabit? does it even exist?

in certain ways, choice feels starker— with more perceived trade-offs and a greater sense of impossibility and powerlessness; to do any one thing might mean certain significant losses in other areas:

to be on social and be addicted or to not be on social, feel more peace, and be forgotten?

to produce regular content and feel like you’re on a hamster wheel or to only follow you’re purest, often infrequent, creative impulses and be deemed irrelevant?

to be boundaryless, so not to lose out on available connection or to create tech boundaries only to be excluded, judged, and/or dismissed?

on a level, our desire for true connection is held captive by our own tech-degraded connection habits— mine, yours, theirs; it’s a vicious cycle that keeps most of us miserable to some degree. thankfully, our complicity also means that we have space to exercise some agency.

i think a big question for this time is: how do we recognize tech for the amazing tool it is while also taking an unflinching look at the ways it is essentially devolving and dehumanizing us?

from these acknowledgments, i believe, must arise a way and will to collectively commit to more intentional connection and gathering— 1:1, in small groups, in larger groups— on and offline.

even if we move inch by inch, small friend pod by small friend pod, community by community— we must radically commit to changing the collective agreements we’ve made in order to overcome the overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness we feel; we must invest in connection, in community, in exchange, in time, in energy, in intentionality. we must prioritize this and put in the work. lest we become forever beholden to the puppeteering of an increasingly sophisticated and rapturous autopilot system bolstered by our technological proclivities that are sure to strip us bare until we’ve become completely undone.

a mouthful. but for real.

also: now might be a good time to remind you to take what resonates and leave the rest. i haz strong tech feelings. in the words of the great monica: don’t take it personal. baby-baby-baby-baby-baby, don’t take it personal. 

anyhoo. such inquiry feels particularly salient as we land upon this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to rediscover connection and redefine what it means to be in relationship, in community, and in society;

might we be able to build something new for and with each other as we re-emerge? might we resolve to hold onto the slowness, intentionality, and mindfulness we may have deepened during this time? bring it into this new world as an offering, a gift, a portal? might we resist the urge to get swept back up? i very much hope so.

reflections like those from my friend allison give me faith that there are others out there who really hope so, too. i imagine many of you are those people.

but how will we do this when the typical breakneck speed of life will ruthlessly try to pull us right back into the dizzying fold that we know so well? again, we try. we really, really try. for those of us who want a different way, we will create it with unwavering focus and commitment to meaningful space and connection, loving mirroring in our relationships, and community accountability.

you down?

re-emergence anxiety, part two.

despite the challenges being offline posed for me, i am still so glad i did it. really, a good part of me wishes i could just stay offline. i gained so much in this time: way less time with my phone, less worrying about what other people were doing or thinking, less stressing about who i needed to be, less rushing, more finding my own peace and center, more walks, more meditation, more presence, more ease, more simple joys, and way more cultivation of self-compassion. in many ways, my time away was exhilarating and freeing— it gave me beautiful, brilliant S P A C E. it gave me back intentional choice.

a couple weeks into me being back on social, i suddenly began receiving work inquires, a few more texts than usual, and requests to catch up. but the way my pandemic walden period has fucked up my ability to keep up with communications?! yeah. i have never been shittier with email and text and calls and catching up with people in my life. 

while i am so grateful for the increased connection and opportunities, personally and professionally, i also became overwhelmed as fuck. how to reintegrate myriad functions and connections and tasks back into my life? how to manage all my “stuff” that came back up from being out in the (online) world again? i got so overwhelmed, so anxious, that my eye started twitching, my heart would race at times, and at one point i felt so much nervous/anxious tension that my body was on the verge of physically shaking. i could feel the shaking inside my body. it’s like i was about to erupt.

i’ve since calmed down notably-ish but still have my work cut out for me. the question for me now has become one of integration: what are the ways i can bridge my quiet world with my connected world? in a way that is uncompromising of my peace?

so, together with last week’s note, that’s the social media part. one part. one not-so-small part of this whole question on what it means for me— and for us— to re-emerge. then there’s the whole in person thing. that. how do we do that?

didn’t you know i was already socially awkward *before* the pandemic?

like, i might not know how to >>>talk<<< when i see you.

i might laugh at the wrong things.

i might start crying.

i might just stare for a really, really long time.

i might be even more intense and weird than i already was.

i might change what i want in the next five minutes. actually, right now. i've changed my mind right now.

i might just turn my ass around and go right back home.

but also, maybe: can i just hug you for an hour?

add to awkwardness that for many of us, our run-of-the-mill social fears and anxieties are on twelve:

• fear of getting hurt again

• fear of rejection

• fear of being judged

• fear of vulnerability

• fear of getting it wrong

• fear of being unworthy

• fear of being uninteresting

• fear of not truly being seen

• fear of abandonment

• fear of not being held as you are

• fear of codependency

• fear of betrayal

• fear of being misunderstood

• fear of discomfort

• fear of unpredictability and lack of control

• fear of things not working out or falling apart

• fear of not having the space and boundaries you’ll need

• fear of not knowing how and where you fit in anymore

it. is. a lot. but we are not alone. i’ll have you know that this list was effectively written by a few dozen actual humans— shout out to my instagram community! so if you feel any of that? they feel you, too. and so do i. being in this re-emergence together— honestly, meaningfully— that is also connectedness.

further respite: the way the pandemic has invited the queering of spaces— making them more fluid, intersectional, and blurred. think of restaurants spilling out into the streets, facetiming in your pajamas with new friends and coworkers alike (deemed “inappropriate intimacy” before), and more upfront candor on dating apps becoming normalized; we are mashing shit up, breaking norms, fucking up taboos. queered space allows us a novel freedom to explore more courageous intimacy and relational creativity. it will probably give us more space to be awkward and human, too.

another silver lining of this time comes in the form of increased perspective and gratitude for everything we took for granted before; we now get to bring that presence to all we’ve realized we appreciate and who we’ve realized we appreciate; turns out acquaintances, bodega guys, coworkers, and passing strangers mean more to us than we thought.

greater presence to the gift of simply being alive and the beauty of the mundane is pretty sweet, too; when other people or i myself felt unavailable, i tried better to immerse myself in the aliveness that surrounds me and emanates from within me at all times; i brushed through the low hanging leaves on trees and made friends with them. i laughed at baby lizards. marveled at the faint aromas of flowers in the evening. 

i already mentioned not seeing any friends. but i didn’t tell you that aside from my neighborhood walks, i also hadn’t been going out at all. so a few months ago when i had to go to the apple store to get my computer repaired, i decided to bask in more mundanity: to walk around the outdoor shopping area and get a coffee. i swear to you everything was basically in technicolor and like mary poppins. i was so glad to see life, to see people, to talk to someone, to have a treat outside of my house. i was floating.

came back home elated and ready to take on the world. because of the genius bar and some cold brew. y’all. some version of this joy can be life most days— when we are present and in gratitude. that’s what i’m trying to do, where i’m trying to be.

and that loneliness we’ve been feeling? it’s actually nothing new. we’ve just been feeling it worse and have had the time to pay attention. loneliness is a pre-covid epidemic (read: public health concern). and it has become an issue so great, that out of all health topics one could choose to write about, united states surgeon general dr. vivek murthy has dedicated an entire book to loneliness and the significance of meaningful social connection. for those unfamiliar or curious for more, i’ve included a podcast episode with dr. murthy in the “on my radar” section below. definitely a top recommendation of the week.

so the other week, i was like: “blergh, disconnection.” and out of frustration with our past and present social norms, took to instagram to ask folks how they felt about connection. turned out 81% of people who reported wanting more connection in their lives also felt afraid or anxious about connecting.

in another very professional survey i did, 66% of respondents said they felt freaked out about re-acclimatizing to some sort of “regular-ish” life in a post-vax world, while the remainder reported feeling excited. more than half of these same folks felt some mix of freaked out and excited. sounds about right. we want connection, we like connection, and at the same time: many of us have lots of feelings about connection.

my initial survey led me to begin fast-tracking a long held plan of mine to create community conversation experiences, evolving on models i’ve created and facilitated in the past. when i posed the idea on instagram, lots of folks expressed interest— and many of you are here in this newsletter community! in case you missed it last week: the sessions will launch in july and i will keep you posted about them in this space. for now, here’s a flashback to a bit more background on my inspiration behind the conversations.

an important thing i’ve learned is that loneliness does not stem from a lack in amount of connection but rather from a lack in meaningful connection; even if someone experiences lots of connection, loneliness persists if the connection doesn’t match the type and depth of connection they deep down desire. this kind of loneliness can be just as devastating as any other.

this is why learning to be in intentional relationship and community with one another, and learning to untether from our devices, will be crucial as we practice reconnection. as british journalist johann hari powerfully posits: ‘the opposite of addiction is connection.’ this includes our tech addictions. johann’s podcast conversation with tristan harris (of social dilemma fame) on this topic was incredibly illuminating and shone a guiding light for me. a highly suggested listen (further topical highlights of this talk under the “on my radar” section below).

as we explore what this time away from the familiar world has meant for us and will mean for us, priya parker recently offered some valuable contemplations on intentional connection and gathering on prentis hemphill’s podcast. on re-entry she shared, “doing this well means taking time to process, to make meaning, to mark, and then to choose the ways we want to enter and choose the ways we want to leave.”

my deep hope, i’ll say it again: that we’ll use our re-entry to build on what we’ve learned about our values during this time. that we’ll prioritize exploring more meaningful connection, more often. and that we will exist simultaneously more spaciously and more fully than before. when the opportunity arises, i hope you’ll join me— and each other.

in the meantime and always: may you be guided by the wisdom of your own pace.

just begin.

NOTE: this post is directly pulled from my 6/2/21 email newsletter without any edits. if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

it is 12.01am on wednesday june 2nd. this email goes out in six hours. but i am still beginning. kicking and screaming inside— i am beginning.

and it’s a biggie; i wanted to make this first one juicy for y’all.

sidebar: i don’t know if longread vibes will continue to be a theme here, but just in case, maybe psychologically prime yourselves for this newsletter to read more like one of your favorite substacks :). if that ends up not being your vibe, you can always scroll to the end for the other sections (which i'll preview a bit more next week).

so much turmoil over an email newsletter. over the type of thing i’ve written for instagram on my toilet, on the subway, absentmindedly walking a city street, bleary eyed in the dead of night.

to unpack this matters. because fear has become so ritualized for so many of us that it has become mundane. and then forgotten. really good, really elaborate, exceptionally subtle stories borne of this fear have become our way— our beginning and our end.

this is how too many of us deny our gifts and what otherwise naturally flows through us.

i’m a virgo sun, virgo mercury. while i don’t put my whole world into astrology, i do believe it holds profound wisdom. in many ways, i’m very much a virgo and in other ways, i’m totally not; that’s when discovering you have a whole ass eerily accurate astrological chart and not just one sun sign blows your mind and you begin to pay more attention.

one trait commonly ascribed to virgos is that of a highly detail oriented perfectionist. add to that a scorpio moon and we getting into obsessive tendencies (it me). lethal combo. perfectionism ruled me for much of my life, but with time, i learned to let go— learned to leave things better done than perfect, learned to not agonize so much. i really thought i’d left my most limiting perfectionist tendencies behind— until recently.

i realized that what really happened was that my perfectionism just morphed into something much more subtle and sneaky; how subconsciously trying to be perfect keeps me from ever doing certain things at all— out of fear of getting it wrong, fear of not being good enough. looking stupid, being rejected. fear of having tried and wasted my time because i was going to be a failure anyway.

that inner critic, let me tell you. girl is a lot.

the thing that helped me catch my lingering perfectionist tendencies? recently learning what underlies the perfectionism behind many people’s procrastination habits. it’s the fear of being unlovable if we’re not perfect. of believing that our worth and others’ perceptions of us are so fragile, that the slightest hint of being human will damn us irreparably. the solution: do nothing and sit very, very still.

fuck. that hit.

a micro-adjustment to my awareness brought game changing insight. i never cease to be amazed by this phenomenon.

i decided to apply my new understanding to my inner battle with getting this newsletter off the ground. here is where we get very meta— in characteristic seher fashion.

for a long time, i really didn’t want to do an email newsletter. i was repelled by it as being awkward self-promo. but as the transience of social media degraded my sense of true connection and wellbeing over time, i started looking at email as a more meaningful way of connecting and sharing value inside community. i started to get excited and vision my newsletter as a vehicle for encapsulating things on my mind and heart week to week— what’s moving me, what i’ve found helpful, what i’ve learned, what i just wish i could tell everyone about.

and then, as i often do, the idea got bigger and bigger and bigger. i crafted a whole entire magazine, y’all. it had like thirteen sections. and everything had to be in right order (code for perfect) before i could launch. but there was a pandemic, life was doing a lot of life-ing, and i was tired. and now— overwhelmed.

the overthinking, the neuroses, the raging inner-critic— combined with a still persistent-enough need for approval and fear of rejection— keeps me from beginning a lot of things and also from sticking with things; i’ll give up if there isn’t external validation soon enough— “see, i knew i didn’t matter anyway, i knew whatever i had to offer was useless.”

yeah. we’ll talk about self-love and my inner critic another day...

before i started my first venture, i was ranting to a friend about how i couldn’t buy a domain or get business cards until i had the right name. and because i didn’t have the most perfect, most soul-stirring, most striking, most resonant business name yet— i couldn’t start my business. and then i told him about a placeholder name i had that i didn’t really want to use.

my friend stopped dead in his tracks and told me that i needed to get over myself and use that name. get a domain and get some business cards— i could change the name later. getting started, even imperfectly, was my wisest move in that moment.

i kept that business name for eight years. that business moved me from the bay area to brooklyn and spurred a decade-long photography career.

like this friend, some other friends (shout out to maya, allison, ryan!) recently help me cut through my newsletter melodrama and told me to chill with the fall fashion issue energy. “start small and build from there,” they said. just start.

after stalling just another two, three months for good measure, i made it here to your inbox. and i’m not ashamed. in the larger context, i’m proud of myself.

prior to that intervention, my procrastination loop of fear, anxiety, overwhelm, and insecurity turned days to weeks to months— and then to a whole year. granted, i’ve also been navigating some huge personal shifts this year and conscientiously decided to effectively pause my life in the search for some peace and clarity. to be real, i was hoping for a lot more peace and clarity than i’ve come away with so far, but i’m still grateful for what i got. i’m reminded, for the billionth time, that we must continue our journeys even as we tend to our ever-present loose threads; too much isolation and contemplation becomes circular— even dangerous.

so i decided that today (actually yesterday, now) was the day. as an accountability exercise— motivation vis a vis the avoidance of shame, really— i published on all my social platforms that the newsletter was going to go out this morning. “strapping myself to my desk! pray for me.”

yeah, ok, girl.

i went out for a coffee, got a snack, listened to a podcast with brené brown and sonya renee taylor in my car, canceled a study group because “i had deadlines,” handled the other deadline, did some other work with no clear deadline, meditated (even though these days i’ve been putting it off until bedtime), and ate a leisurely dinner.

i mean… seher? seher.

right. so, the day passed, as i anticipated it would. but i’d told myself: even if i don’t sleep— this thing is happening. do or die.

it’s now 2.15am. i have a chinese energy medicine class in just under seven hours. i normally honor ample sleep time as sacred (and actually really, really need it). but today: we out here.

so that meditation earlier? i cried.

i’d unearthed the mountain of undue pressure and expectation i’d been piling on myself. with this newsletter, absolutely— but i also knew that this orientation is part of my way with myself.

self-imposed pressures and expectations— that’s where we really get into the meat of the perfectionism-procrastination dance i’ve been doing with this space.

the thing about a newsletter is that it’s kind of like decorating your apartment. it’s a curated a statement about what you’re about, what you’re into, certain value you have to offer. it’s part of the reason i take so long to furnish and decorate any new home and why people perennially think i’ve just moved in (i’m also somewhat of a minimalist). it’s also why i became so overcome by the pressure to have an epically meaningful business name. sometimes if i can’t present in the exact intentional way i mean to, i don’t present at all; i just opt out of existing in that realm altogether. working on it.

but also, a newsletter just feels more intimate and vulnerable than social media— somehow i feel more naked? maybe it’s because an email is more permanent; i can delete an instagram post, but what lands in your inbox, you have forever.

an email address is our internet phone number. it’s personal. i don’t take it lightly.

i am honored by each and every person who signed up to join me in this community. simultaneously, i’ve been confused; the part of me that can’t acknowledge my unique value is like, “why would people want to hear from me in a space as precious as their inbox? they must think i can give them something that i can’t.”

all these people i don’t want to disappoint. who i don’t want to look like a fool in front of.

there’s a relative who i was estranged from for years until recently. they’re on here. and though i’m the one who invited them to this space, i’m still scared.

there was my brother who i invited and then uninvited. simple anticipation of the fact that sometimes family got too many opinions.

there are colleagues and dear friends and people i know and admire here.

much of my instagram community— who i’m awed want to hear more from me— is on here. i don’t want to let y’all down. i don’t want to bore you.

and then there are the random people with nondescript email addresses like becky63829251@hotmail.com. are you a bot, becky? or did you find my random viral blog post about calling the new york unemployment hotline and fill out my email pop-up thinking i was gonna have more hot tips on how to get this money?

but seriously. not having any idea at all who you’re writing to is a special kind of nerve-wracking.

finally, there are those of you who have been on this list for months or even a year-plus. and with the time passed, my internal pressure to be profound, to be significant, compounded. will the wait be worth it?

i half feel like my newsletter needs to be a vegas show or something; that the only way you’ll stay is if i give you something breathtaking— some magical fantastical value beyond anything i’ve offered before.

and, yet still. here we are. here i am.

i am significant if only for the reason that i exist. and what a reason.

and my words and shares are valuable to you because *you* decided. who am i to question that? who am i to get in the way of that? i relent.

sometimes you must defy yourself to become more yourself.

remembering your light.

lightbeam
sunstream;
yes, you.
yes, you.

lightwork is shadow work. shadow work is lightwork.

in oneness, we are not separate from seemingly dual concepts or from one another; all exists at once simultaneously in wholeness— a continuous flow of becoming and unbecoming.

choose your light. even in shame, even in anger, even in fear.

use it to offer yourself perspective, including a reminder of your true essence and why you exist.

allow its sweetness and gentleness to enrich and fortify your journey ahead.

and just the same— allow it to illuminate your shadows and ours.

there is joy in truth, even when it hurts.

note: this post is far from an invitation to spiritually bypass— please read carefully.

on checking in with your black friends during highly charged times

“check in on your black friends” is often a top listed action item on certain anti-racist response graphics. respectfully, i’d like to offer some insight here— insight that is largely gleaned from listening to my black peers.

white folk and non-black people of color (nbpoc)— i'm talking to us.

to preface, please forgive me for any errors and know i am clear that i do not speak for black people; i am simply doing my best to be an advocate when black folk, including those i know and love, are very very tired.

firsthand accounts from black women

upon publishing this piece, a few firsthand narratives from black women on this same topic have landed on my radar. these pieces offer context into the lived experiences, which inspired me to write this blog post in the first place;

hearing from me on this topic will never be the same as hearing about it directly from black people. read these pieces and take them in. also, let this serve as friendly reminder that we need to be much, much better at listening to black women.

priska neely: i don't need your check in texts on the cut really paints a picture and tells a story of what it can feel like at a time like now, guides the reader on the type of self-inquiry required to make more empathetic decisions, and addresses the nuance of the workplace.

kat vellos: how to help your black friends and non-black friends today on we should get together. the first part breaks down, in detail, how to do the work by having tough conversations about racism. the second part gives incredible detailed insights and sample scripts for checking in with your black friends.

many thanks to destiny arturet and jillian richardson for bringing this work to my attention.

checking in irresponsibly & thoughtlessly

it seems as though many people are taking the invitation to check in without considering nuance or context; black people are not a monolith— everyone needs something different. checking in without careful consideration of individual needs can quickly spiral into virtue signaling— trying to fulfill the “activism due diligence checklist” so you can look and feel good; by checking in thoughtlessly, you’ve now just weaponized this tool to help soothe your white/non-black person of color guilt.

out of the blue check in's

firstly, go ahead and do not “check in” with the one black person you know but never talk to, or someone from way back like high school. at best, ask said person for their venmo or paypal so you can send them some reparations along with your love. note: "it's a bit taboo in much of europe to send money," says my comrade, amelia ideh.

otherwise, you are engaging in a highly insensitive ego massage that defers your discomfort and required labor onto a black person who is quite possibly in great pain. rather than a thoughtful action, this kind of out of the blue “check in” is violent and tantamount to abuse; many folks are physiologically, psychologically, energetically, and spiritually in trauma response. in the current climate, “beyond spent” doesn’t even quite cover it.

guilt-driven & inconsiderate check in's

now, for a conversation about your actual black friends and black folk who are part of your present day life in some way— colleagues, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, etc.

i’ve been hearing about black folks, including my own friends, receiving lots of random, guilt-driven, and/or well-meaning-but-a-lot “check in’s.” these kind of check in’s can be exhausting and aggravating as fuck. so before you check in, take several pauses— especially if you aren’t in someone’s life like that.

how are you?

do not message, “how are you?”— this is often a triggering, heavy, and complicated question with mixed, ever-changing, still-in-process answers. and if someone does desire to express their feelings, i imagine that the preferred domain for this is often black-only safe spaces— understand and respect that. further, know that the answer to this question is typically some version of “not well.” it should be obvious that black people, in general, are not well these days. please realize that “how are you” can feel incredibly disrespectful in our current climate— or just overwhelming.

many black folks don’t want to do the labor of answering ‘how they are’ just so you can feel complete— they’re trying to understand their own feelings and keep their own peace by any means. think survival mode, for many folks.

our inner alarm system: threat processing & survival response

just because people are in their homes does not mean that the very real biochemical and energetic reactions associated with an imminent threat to one’s actual life are not there; think cortisol, adrenaline, biochemical alarm system, fight/flight/freeze, trauma, ptsd. that is all extremely present for many people right now. by the way, breonna taylor was murdered at her own home while in bed. safety eludes black life in america, entirely.

feel free to look up the “amygdala hijack” and how our bodies respond to challenging thoughts and feelings as simple as, “she doesn’t like me;” something that feels like a perceived threat to our identity and worth can ramp up our whole system— to varying degrees, depending on the intensity of the trigger— with the same flood of chemicals that are produced when our life is actually in danger. though dated in certain respects, this is an evolutionary protection mechanism inherited from our ancestors (who more often experienced threats to their lives, like being eaten by a bear).

so now, imagine this inner alarm system when there is an actual threat on your life. imagine the threat is unrelenting and ever-present— so much so, that the inner alarm becomes part of your default state of being in some way. that's what it is to be black in america— constantly in fight or flight, constantly re-triggered, constantly ramping up, constantly defending your right to live.

sorry

do not message, “sorry”— most black folks i know don’t want or need a sorry; they are looking for deep personal inquiry, real action, and tangible transformative change. your best "sorry" is doing the work.

i'm so angry

do not message, “i’m so angry”— congrats. many people don’t care for your sudden rage (they wonder where it was all this time); and regardless, they often don’t have the space or desire to center your feelings and hold your frustration, too— black folks got plenty of their own.

what can i do?

do not message, “what can i do?” or “how can i help?”— that is your job to find out. there are currently so many anti-racist resources online that it’s overwhelming. google, social media— it’s quite easy. one option: sign up for nicole cardoza’s anti-racism daily action email newsletter.

i'm in shock

do not message, “i’m in shock” or “i can’t believe this is happening”— this usually feels like an insult, and quite clearly demonstrates that you haven’t been paying enough attention to the world around us, since maybe, forever. this message is particularly abusive.

offering messages like those above can feel like you’re looking for a black person to offer you absolution from your guilt and personal responsibility— and maybe, unconsciously, you are; get clear on your ego and where you might be centering your own discomfort under the facade of concern.

some loose analogies to consider before reaching out

it can be difficult to digest what it’s like to be black in america at times like this— in truth, white folk and non-black people of color will never really know. some loose analogies for additional perspective:

consider the sensitivity and mindfulness you would use to determine your words and actions if the same friend’s parent or child had just died. depending on who you’re talking to and the particulars of your relationship, this might be the kind of energy you need to come with. also recognize the possibility that these state sanctioned killings feel deeper and more layered than familial loss for some people— at least in a sense.

i also invite you to look at black reality in america as the slow, calculated genocide of black people. does “how are you?” or “sorry” sound appropriate here? does it seem kind?

at the end of the day, there are not going to be any clear answers or absolutes in such situations, but i hope that these analogies will help offer further insight into how carefully you need to consider your actions and words prior to possible reach outs during sensitive times. allow these perspectives to serve as an additional filters in your decision making and discernment.

intuition is king, space is awesome

above all, use your intuition: every relationship is different and each person has different needs. listen to the nuance. also know that sometimes, for some people, giving lots of space is the best course of action— at least for a period of time.

saying "i see you" by doing the work

possibly the best “i see you” we can offer our black friends is to visibly show our genuine support and advocacy, educate our communities about anti-racism and progressive action, and publicly demonstrate how we are engaging the work in our personal lives and our communities. especially in a time like right now, when all we have is social media and the internet. that said, humble quiet learning, rich dialogue, and meaningful action in our private time is paramount; everything in its right place.

honest action— online and offline— can often mean much much more than an “obligatory” check in that a meme instructed you to do as an action item.

a carefully considered check-in

time & place

if a check in feels right, then move on to considering appropriate timing and venue (text, email, phone call, voice note). sometimes, tracking your friends’ socials and seeing where they’re at mentally and emotionally can help determine the right time and place. normally, i prefer texts or voice notes in such situations because they are more personal than social media while also giving people lots of space to choose how, when, and if to respond.

sample message

in your message, you might offer something like, “no response expected: i am thinking of you. if you want, please let me know how i can best support you.” this is by far not a one size fits all message, but allow it to offer some inspiration.

a rough checklist

a working checklist you can play with when crafting your message:

• be brief
• be loving, kind, and compassionate
• offer something specific
• don’t center yourself
• don’t defer labor (would you want to spend your time answering a bunch of questions in a raw state?)
• don’t be overzealous (it comes across fake / performed / wanting to be seen as “good”)
• give the person an out (so they don’t feel pressured to respond)

but seriously, do the work

i’ve also heard some black folks say that if a white/nbpoc person is going to “check in” with them, they want to hear about the anti-racist work they’re doing; this sort of “reporting” may apply more in a case where the relationship isn’t as close and/or if you haven’t previously said or done much to instill faith in your commitment to being anti-racist. i imagine this most often applies to certain acquaintances and colleagues. but also, close friends who don’t really talk about race is definitely a thing— be mindful if you’re in that boat.

honoring individual needs & getting out of the way

before you send any message, think and feel. i know my community likes feelings and intuition and things! determine and then honor your friend’s individual needs— like actually, actually. as a person who likes a lot of space, i hate feeling put upon by someone trying to “help.” so my default in life is to give people lots of space, especially at a time like right now when black people might feel more safety, ease, and understanding with their black kinfolk. don’t let that hurt your feelings. and if it does, work through why it has to be about you even when it’s black people who are being executed.

varying dynamics & understandings

dynamics across relationships and even within a single relationship vary— they can also shift and change over time. a cataclysm (like now) can also entirely alter the fabric and course of a lifelong relationship; what you thought your bestie needed— and what might have even worked at another time or for another circumstance— might not apply at all right now. that’s how great the chasm between the white/nbpoc experience and the actual lived black experience can be. that’s how much understanding we lack— which makes anti-racist study and practice further critical.

read signals & take their lead

you must use your intuition— and communication skills, when appropriate— to understand signals and take the lead of your black friends; when reading people’s social media to see where they’re at, you’ll find that some folks are outright saying what they need and what they don’t need in plain language.

varying, ever-changing, & overlapping needs

• some folks want a check in (even repeated ones)
• some folks want a distraction or a momentary break (spoiler: black people never get an actual break from being black)
• some folks want hella space and to be alone
• some folks only want to talk with black friends
• some folks only want to talk with bipoc friends
• some folks are waiting to hear even a peep from their silent white friends
• some folks want funny animal videos (c/o: amelia ideh)
• some folks seek joy as both healing and resistance
• some folks are looking for any semblance of normalcy
• some folks don’t know what they want
• and some folks don’t have the energy for anything (there can be a lot of naps and sleep in this case)

many folks traverse amongst these different wants and needs across time and even in a single day; carrying unrelenting trauma as a seeming prerequisite for your existence is not a predictable thing.

black people are not a monolith

i cannot stress enough that best supporting our black friends means treating them as individuals, case-by-case— it requires deep listening as well as the openness and ability to constantly adapt.

be easy & don't press

like i said, i know what it feels like to be put upon by others when you are going through it. and it is one of the most burdensome and aggravating things in life. aggressively trying to check in or pushing a conversation that someone doesn’t want or isn’t ready for in the spirit of “helping” is pure egoism and saviorism. it is not about the person you are trying to help at all— rather, you’ve made it all about you. it is extremely frustrating and a boundary violation. allow people to be the experts on themselves. saviorism is tired— let’s let that die, k?

love on people without being extra & weird

as my beautiful friend vasha said, perhaps one of the best ways we can show up for our black friends and colleagues is by “loving folks without being weird and excessive. just love on people.” i’ll leave the interpretation up to you and your inner wisdom— i know you got it.

who do you believe in?

do the people you believe in,
believe in you?

friends, community leaders, colleagues, bosses, family, your fave celebs, politicians, mentors, role models, coaches.

they out here batting for you, for real? or just themselves and their circle?

scarcity, competition, hyper-individualism, and ego have narrowed our perceptions of power, potential, and community.

kinship and leadership will continue to be redefined in favor of true humility and interdependence.

true power is grounded, peaceful, creative, fluid, open-hearted; it does not fear the luminosity of others and instead seeks it, revealing it at every opportunity.

when you rise, i rise.

when i rise, you rise.

taking credit for our gifts

my virtues
are not merits
i have personally derived;
they are gifts.

people have often told me how they admire how self aware i am and how committed i am to “doing the work.” sometimes as they marvel in awe. there was a time where i pridefully took all credit for this. but as i evolved in my overall awareness, i realized that self awareness and doing the work are largely not a choice for me— it is how i am wired. these are tools and gifts that i have been given.

it dawned on me that the way “ignorance is bliss” for some, ignorance usually results in sheer torture for me; my hyper self awareness persists through all seasons, regardless of what my ego wants. being aware and tuned to the vibration of truth— often painfully so— is my default.

and so, my self-work is often the result of my desperate attempt to resolve some ever present suffering i’ve been unable to silence and suppress. and even when i do succeed at some version of suppression, the truth remains in the back of my mind along with deep unhappiness.

simultaneously, i recognize that i get to take credit for rising to the challenge and making the decision to do the work. because even despite my nature, i can still decide to opt out; there is plenty of work i trade for the familiar comfort of my suffering; these are my edges, i’m working on them— also often by eventual force and compulsion.

the universe ultimately always kicks my ass out of my limiting habituation— just as it is in this new decade. much death is happening to make way for a rebirth i’ve been hiding from for the last few years.

all this to say: often what we pridefully claim as our self-derived virtues are actually gifts. these gifts are here to help us realize our full potential so we can be of service. not so we can be delusional, self-important, holier than thou assholes. i ain’t special. i just got some tools (that i have a complicated relationship with) for the purpose of my soul mission, which, by the way, isn’t even about me— it’s about us.

insomnia.

i began having pretty intense insomnia starting when i moved to nyc 9 years ago. it goes it waves. sometimes i go through bouts of going to sleep at 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 in the morning. such has been the case for me for most of the quarantine.

in passing on social media, i’ve read about others experiencing major insomnia and essentially a nocturnal schedule. i want to say that i came across a pull quote or headline where a specialist was talking about how the insomnia is due to our subconscious stress or something of the like. makes sense to me. i’m sure life routine and structure being blown up also has something to do with it.

someone dm’ed me the other day saying they didn’t know why but felt like they had to tell me their insomnia story. intuition on point! there also appeared to be a bit of self-judgment in this admission. so i want to offer this post for two reasons: 1) to tell you there is no shame in your biological responses to a unique global crisis that no one currently alive has ever experienced, and 2) to share possible solves for insomnia and more restful sleep.

i share these remedies with you in full admission that i have not found the will or discipline within me to exercise them most of the time. when i try them, they sometimes work, they sometimes don’t— some work better than others for me. i haven’t tried them all. in such a case, different strokes for different folks— one size does not fit all.

this is info that i have amassed from various reading, listening to talks/podcasts, plus my own experience and intuition. hope to learn more in time. arianna huffington is a sleep hygiene evangelist as is her thrive global platform— she’s served as a source for some important bits below. in the interest of space and time, i am not going to offer a ton of detail or really explain why and how all these things work— you can research that on your own if you want.

here we go, in no particular order. the first two are the most annoying but also very powerful. please do comment with your own insomnia + sleep tips and wisdom <3

• make yourself get into bed— without your electronics— even if you aren’t tired

• try to go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day

• no electronics 30-120 min before bed (ideally at least 60 min)

• do a wind-down activity— something relaxing and analog 30-120 min before bed; can even do certain things while already in bed (meditation, reading, qigong, journaling, doodling/drawing)

  • if you opt for reading before bed, ideally choose something that’s an easy read and less cerebral

• take a hot bath 15-60 min before bed (you can also add a little tiny bit of a relaxing essential oil like lavender)

• drink hot tea 15-60 min before bed, especially a relaxing/calming tea like chamomile or kava

• take some cbd oil 15-30 min before bed

• take a melatonin supplement at the recommended time before bed

• diffuse a relaxing essential oil like lavender 30-120 min before bed and during sleep

• listen to binaural beats or isochronic tones with low theta or any delta frequencies 15-30 minutes before bed (can combine this with a wind-down activity if it feels right for you)

• play white noise sounds once you get into bed (perhaps even 15 minutes before you intend to sleep; while doing your wind-down activities or listening to the white noise as a wind-down activity itself)

• change into sleeping clothes that are only for sleep and nothing else

• create a bedtime routine or ritual

• keep your phone out of your bedroom and use an analog alarm clock

• don’t spend the day in bed, work/live in another room during the day

• workout (day or night, depending on whether working out energizes you or tires you out)

• when you do wake up, especially when you wake up earlier, try to stand outside for 10-20 minutes to get sun— this can help reset your circadian rhythms

big love. wishing for us all to find our peace and sweet, nourishing sleep. <3

when the shine is triggering

it's not always because of a judgment against you;

sometimes they are triggered by your light.

sometimes we think we know why we’re mad but we’re just... hella wrong.

sometimes we can’t help but assess people through the lens of our pain and feelings of inadequacy.

so sometimes when a glimmer feels hard to come by, we end up feeling hurt when we see someone else shining. this often subconscious trigger might come with a whole slew of very convincing stories and judgments we then make up about that person.

if this is you, keep perspective and take some space. allow others their right to be well while also being super gentle and honest with yourself. this actually isn’t about them at all. you know this. excavate. what’s missing for you? what do you actually need? give that to yourself. remember that this trigger is wholly about your relationship with you.

and if you’re the one in your light with folks acting funny around you: be compassionate with both yourself and others. while it might seem like these people are judging you, they are most likely only judging themselves (whether or not they realize it). examine if your own triggers are showing up here as well— perhaps around needs for approval and belonging. if you felt impacted in any way, also inquire about how that connects with where you’re at with boundaries— physically, emotionally, energetically.

big hugs. we all deserve our own light. sometimes reconnecting with it is a thing. sometimes keeping it is a thing. that’s okay. it’s okay. all our experiences are okay.

slow suicide

chronically delaying gratification
is akin to waiting for death;
if you're still breathing,
remember that you deserve happiness
right now.

i’m really good at this.

“i’ll be happy when…”

“i’ll let myself have fun after…”

“i’ll hang out with people once…”

“i’ll give myself some credit upon the completion of…”

…this ever-elusive constantly shifting benchmark.

i certainly don’t have this figured out but fuck this whole entire shit, really. i can’t remember how she put it, but in her memoir, shonda rhimes basically described not really living life as ‘slow suicide.’ sadly, i relate. it’s been a challenge i’ve had most of my life.

inevitably, i think about this idea in relation to now. it feels even more relevant. but there’s probably a split-mindedness for a lot of us:

“right now is the time to put in work to survive, it isn’t the time to find joy. i don’t have the space or the luxury.”

“i don’t know what’s what, so maybe all i can give myself right now are little joys. wait, is that frivolous and privileged and irresponsible?”

i’m going to get morbid now, so bear with me if you can, because i’m going to bring it all together for our higher good.

in the beginning, i followed the news for covid a lot and then mostly stopped because it got overwhelming. one thing i found in my initial research that has become increasingly clear along the way is this: the virus is unlike anything we’ve seen and as much as we think we understand it, in many ways we don’t. we are constantly learning new, often paradoxical things about the virus, who’s at risk, its prevention, its treatment.

‘it’s spread by respiratory droplets. uh, it’s also airborne. oh yeah, so, you can also bring it inside with your shoes.’

‘build up your immunity— wait— but not too much because your immune system might attack itself while fighting off the virus (cytokine storm).’

‘it’s really only affecting folks 50-60+ and people with pre-existing health conditions— younger folks, children, and pregnant women should be cool. jk, this virus could put anyone in critical or fatal condition and we’re not sure how or why.”

‘take ibuprofen to treat your symptoms— actually, hold on— it could make things worse.’

‘liquor stores are an essential business. so yeah, alcohol might aggravate the virus.’

we’re all vulnerable. this virus could quite literally kill any one of us and there’s only so much we can do about it from a physical standpoint. with all the incomplete and shifting information, we’re somewhat left to our own intuition and devices when deciding on appropriate care for ourselves. science is crucial but it’s got its work cut out for it at the moment.

the material realm is showing us its limits. for me personally, there is no greater signal to tap into the unseen for strength and wisdom. there is no greater call to surrender control while simultaneously reclaiming our sovereign power as truly magical beings.

part of that magic is practicing expanding our view to transcend the 3d reality sometimes, if we can. not in a spiritual bypass kind of way, but in a grounded and self-empowered way: holding the severity of this situation in sight while also knowing that you are a miracle— periodT— and contain infinite possibility.

it’s beyond heartbreaking right now. but here we are. still here. we are the lucky ones. let’s not take that for granted, if at all possible. part of our magic is that we can create more magic, joy, love, health from dust. from nothingness. because it is what we are. we are allowed the magnificence of ourselves at anytime, every time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives. you are allowed to be happy right now— even if a split second is all you can muster.

gratitude?

you know how everyone’s been talking about being mad grateful for what they do have right now? i didn’t really relate— and still don’t always— when folks talk about gratitude. i felt and still sometimes feel shame for ‘being an ungrateful ass.’

here’s the thing: honesty with your emotions is super important right now (and in general). it can be hard to connect with gratitude when you are trying to survive in your own right, when you are ANGRY, when you feel betrayed, confused, resentful, lost, abandoned. by the system, for starters.

some of us are anxious, depressed, barely functional and just trying to hold it together. that’s okay. lovingly and gently witness that without wallowing in it. there is a difference. remain aware, compassionate, and PERSIST. you *will* ultimately move through.

our journeys and feelings that come with are relative to self. always remember that when you try to judge yourself and compare.

gratitude is absolutely a valuable and powerful practice, but if you’re not connecting with it, that is perfectly alright. you can try again later— or not. many paths, y’all.

if you don’t feel gratitude right now, allow the other emotions that are currently present within you to exist. don’t go into shame if you can help it— shame actually happens to be the least supportive emotion. if you’re in shame, witness that compassionately as well. we’ve all been there.

feel like screaming or taking a very long nap or both? i’m tired, too. you’re allowed to be fucking pissed.

anger is a catalyst and can be a turning point if consciously harnessed. anger is also recognized as the beginnings of change on the hawkins scale, which measures the relative energetic frequencies of emotions.

the point is to not *stay* angry or in our lower vibrational emotions. we get to use such emotions instead as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and practice self-compassion. from here, we begin to find our way through— and beyond. to our true selves, to our peace.

love freely, give wisely.

love freely, give wisely.

perhaps that it has taken me two weeks to write the post in my head perfectly illustrates one of the sentiments i mean to convey here: if any time is the time to put on your oxygen mask first, it is now.

i am now realizing that i used the ‘oxygen mask’ phrase in my post from exactly a month ago. overlapping concepts between then and now, infinite vantage points. i don’t think it’s a mistake that we return to such spaces.

you are not less for being unable and/or unwilling to give right now. you are managing a lot— yes, you. don’t compare. personal challenges are relative to each individual. remember that giving includes giving to yourself. a healthy you is an even more meaningful service to society right now.

while caring for others during crisis can sometimes require personal sacrifice in some way, be mindful of your healthy boundaries when making this calculus. individual capacity, how we give, when we give, if we give— is entirely different for everyone for countless reasons and that’s okay. you don’t owe anyone your reasons, by the way.

giving until or while you are totally spent is not love. giving when you’re out of alignment is not love. giving indiscriminately is not love. giving out of guilt or obligation is not love. giving because you want to be “good” is not love. giving because you think you’re the only one who can save the day is not love. giving with the intention to “fix” somebody is not love. giving to others because you don’t know how to give to yourself is not love.

your love for all beings can be abundant, infinite even, while simultaneously disciplined in its active expression. you feel me?

please, let’s give up our conditioning of piling expectations onto ourselves and others. our ability to love is endless when we have healthy boundaries. practicing discernment in giving is not selfish— it is a wise, boundaried practice. you deserve your own energy. you can genuinely *be* in love with all of creation at all times without always needing to expend.

fill your cup. that, too, is a gift. <3

some version of the same very specific thing at once.

it’s so surreal to me that we are all going through some version of the same very specific thing at once.

i know it might sound weird to say, but there’s something poetic about that. really distills us to our common humanity, co-existing in this fragile, precious life.

some prompts for us to consider at this time:

• with the opportunity to stand still, what’s been revealed to you about existence? yours, ours, the planet’s?

• with this extra space and time, what could you gift yourself more spaciousness and presence with? what does thinking about that feel like? is there discomfort there? if so, talk to it gently and ask it why it’s there and what it needs.

• in what ways has this experience reminded you or taught you about our common humanity? did any illusion bubbles burst for you? how does it feel to not live with that illusion anymore?

• is there a part of you that is relieved that you might not *have to* live your life as you had been? what are you relieved about maybe not having to deal with anymore? what might life look like if you found a way where you could choose to opt out of those things?

• does the possibility of your life blowing up and starting over fresh simultaneously terrify and excite you? why excited? dig into that. look for versions of starting fresh that warm your heart, create ease within, and light a spark.

• who are the first people you wanted to call? who makes you feel seen, safe, loved, considered? who do you feel most compelled to do that for in return?

so many more. will leave us with that for now. much love <3

oxygenating the source

if your devotion live

outside of yourself

tell me

how does it breathe?

if you place all your devotion, attention, and energy outside of yourself, your top priorities and commitments (devotions) have no reliable energy source. if your devotion is not inside of you as the focal point, it is not connected to you and therefore is without oxygen or life force.

any energy that happens to be available to expend will be finite in supply and rapidly dwindle. eventually, your devotion and what you are devoted to will wither away— in one way or another.

an extension of ‘putting on your oxygen mask before helping others.’

this does not mean myopia, darwinism, selfishness, competition, egoism, exceptionalism, or self-centeredness. in many ways, we sustain ourselves so that we can be truly interdependent.

interdependence is our truth and our balm. i see we are and will continue to be challenged by this call & fact of life. will we step over each other to self protect or for a quick come up— or will we invest in humanity, integrity, and the long game? at one point or another, we are all going to need each other.

so it’s very interesting to witness the decisions and stances people are taking in these last few days.

crisis can unearth our unresolved shadow in many ways. i had to pause before almost writing that crisis shows our “true nature,” because that’s not true— our true nature is love.

i’m not standing here from some high horse; there are thoughts that have crossed my mind that don’t make me feel very proud. but i am doing my best to hold myself accountable and try to be the person i want to be.

while some still think preparedness and vigilance are alarmist and have some stuff to sort out within themselves, there are many folks who are forced to make precarious decisions because they are backed into a corner. because of survival. because our system fails us.

i think about shows like survivor, a film like hunger games, and societal periods of extreme hardship and chaos. challenging times are what test our character most. they show us where we are out of alignment. where we don’t trust. where we are in lack. what we fear.

there are always choices we get to (and are forced to) make.

so i ask again: who will we choose to be?

much love and ease to hearts <3

holistic immunity amidst the unknown

• echinacea: immune support, active responder

• elderberry: immune support, active responder

• astragalus: immune support, system builder

• ginger: system restoration, gastrointestinal

• turmeric: system restoration, anti-inflammatory

• valerian: nervous system, calming & relaxing

in addition to lots of hand washing, disinfecting, and social distancing, keeping our immune system in order is important.

i ordered these herbal tinctures today to help support me right now. the brand is @herbpharm and you can find it at various health food stores. the descriptions are off the labels, though these incredible herbs also do so much more.

something like valerian, though not directly impacting our immune system, is still significant for immune strength because stress and anxiety compromise our immunity and make us more susceptible to illness. so does lack of sleep.

what are your favorite herbs? i know there are many many more for immunity alone!

whatever you can do to help create ease within you, gift that to yourself. twirl around your home, exercise, rock out to your favorite music, write a poem, meditate, practice reiki or qigong, do some eft, turn on those isochronic tones or binaural beats, give yourself a sound bath, laugh, get in on a virtual breathwork group, wash some dishes (some people love that shit), chop some vegetables, sleep, pet your doggy or kitty, pet your baby, facetime your fam.

meditation is endless things. right now is several more things. conversations happening all over my internet and messages about what this contains. it’s real and all encompassing. systemic inequity is being both felt and seen. many of us are in it. a reckoning is upon us.

the road ahead is only partially predictable. much unseen and unknown. how will we show up— both for ourselves and others? what will we prioritize? what do we have if what we thought we had— both figuratively and literally— goes away? who will we decide to be? will it be who we promised we’d be? what will our ancestors say? what is true peace of mind?

be good to you and to others. be gentle. be well. wishing us all abundant health, compassion, and courage. <3

begin again.

beginning again is an act of love;

start over as many times as you need.

picking yourself up off the floor, whether for the first time or the hundredth, is a significant victory. every. single. time.

self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-regard, self-belief, self-worth. betting on you, honoring you. beginning again is all these things. it is reinvesting in yourself.

i will not give up on myself, no matter the road ahead, because i love me in a way that transcends understanding of the mind. i don’t need to get it all right now to know that i am supposed to be here and that my light is important.

starting from scratch. honoring failure and adjusting course. throwing out the thousandth draft and hitting pen to paper once more. a new outlook on romance. reinvention. giving that talk another try in the morning. one more treatment. another application. a clean slate. giving yourself permission. forgiveness. choosing to wake up each day. tearing down the system and building a new one. iteration. perspective. divorce. the seventh business. a new city. blowing it up and starting over. a reimagined friendship. a new, totally different dream. ending the hiatus. digging through the archives. remembering who you were. who you are. trusting them, even though it stings.

we begin again in so many ways. love you love you.

living inside yourself

home is everywhere

when you live inside yourself.

i release all attachments and call my energy back from people, places, spaces, times, dimensions, and things where i’ve given my energy away. i call *all* of my energy back and return to my body. i am in my body. i am home, i am safe, and i am whole.

your relationship with self should be the sweetest one; find ease, knowing, and love within yourself, and your cup will run over with more of the same everywhere you go.

empty spaces stay empty.

people, food, sleep, tv, internet, social media scrolling, podcasts, music, books, shopping, sex, alcohol, drugs...

any person, thing, or activity can be empty if it is not what’s in true alignment for you in a given moment. it doesn’t matter whether or not the object of your attention is toxic or unhealthy— escapism is still escape; it’s still distraction, diversion of your attention from some sort of truth you are avoiding or maybe even actively running from. i feel you, i feel you so much.

what are all the ways you are escaping yourself? how are you hiding from the quiet space that appears when you just *stop*? that place where you’re forced to sit with your truth, your thoughts, your fears, your insecurities, your unanswered questions, and all your other unresolved edges?

you already know that everything you ignore is still alive, manifesting in an array of shades in your life— no matter how far you push yourself down. so the question becomes:

would you rather be perpetually teetering, running after yourself cleaning up arbitrary messes as you juggle the storm of your life— or could you be open to greeting the storm within so your life might meet an ease and joy greater than you could ever imagine?

boob stuff.

so i got my boobs smashed a few weeks ago. i got my first mammogram.

did you know that the recommended age to begin getting mammograms is now 35 and not 40?

did you know that in august 2019, cuomo signed a bill mandating large insurance carriers in new york state to cover screening mammograms for women aged 35+ (vs. just 40+)?

did you know that many states are working on expanding the ages covered for preventative breast cancer screenings?

did you know that it is recommended that you do a self-exam of your breasts once a month (2 weeks after your period is best), get a breast exam during your annual physical, and get a screening mammogram every year as well?

did you know that it’s possible to have breast cancer even if no lumps are felt?

did you know that sometimes even a mammogram doesn’t pick up breast cancer and if you have a weird feeling, it’s okay to ask for a screening breast ultrasound or a breast MRI?

did you know that men can get breast cancer?

anyone been noticing that a lot more people are just getting cancer now— period? and at younger and younger ages?

the environment we reside in has changed over time; we are subject to more stress, more toxins, and more disruptions to our biorhythms— internally and externally. that means we have to pay closer attention to our health. no one is exempt. i didn’t know any of the things above until a few months ago when i had the opportunity to host a breast cancer awareness panel thanks to my dear friend vasha and new pal jaeki. certain other things i looked up on my own.

i had a weird ass feeling, so even though my mammogram came back clear, i insisted on a breast ultrasound just to be certain i was good— thankfully, that came back clear, too.

bonus boob tip: a qigong practice called the taoist breast massage. you can google it or look up a simple tutorial on youtube. the benefits include reduced risk of breast cancer (by flushing toxins and loosening up energetic stagnancy), balancing your hormones, reduced menstrual duration and symptoms, anti-aging, lifting and firming of breasts, and decreased stress + depression. aaaoow!

take control of your health. go get checked, loves. <3