note: this post is directly pulled from my 11/3/21 email newsletter without edits. this time, as a bonus, this blog post will include my awareness practice section, which is typically reserved exclusively for newsletter subscribers (subscribing is currently free!). if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

last time, we began a series introducing my new offering: 1:1 astrocartography sessions!

learn more about how these sessions work and book an astrocartography reading here.

this time, my note is relatively short, and my prime invitation is for you to dig into the scorpio season themed awareness practice prompts later in this email.

what is scorpio season?

depth. passion. power. intimacy. mystery. intensity. courage. magnetism. rebirth. release.

who is scorpio season?

raw. real. soulful. perceptive. psychic. independent. original. sharp. outspoken. clever. candid. honest.

why is scorpio season?

this alchemical time asks us to surrender to the undercurrents of life and to stare our deepest selves straight in the face. ruling the sign of scorpio is the planet pluto, which is often experienced as confronting and sometimes even burdensome— but only ever to call us more firmly into our power and rebirth us into the witnessing of a more honest self.

but like, what the fuck, seher?

i know. it's kind of the most. for me right now, scorpio and pluto are definitely like, “bitch, hi.”— more precisely as a cacophony of varied chaos and grief that i guess are asking me to surrender and release and get clear or whatever. so rude.

but this is how we grow and find more meaning in our joy, right?

so that's why i got all the awareness prompts for you— to meditate on, deep dive into, let marinate in the back of your mind, reflect on, converse about, or throw in the trash (only to later pull out a crumpled piece of email at the exact right moment, and finally be like, “aha!”).

here's to fortitude and agile flow in riding deep and sometimes turbulent waters. and here's to the unique peace and wisdom found when we allow our pain and our shadows tender loving space.

awareness practice.

1. your truth.

which parts of your true self do you have trouble owning and accepting?

where are you not speaking or embodying your truth? how has this been hurting you? what would it look like to stand boldly in whatever it is you have to say and whoever it is that you are— and own it? how would that feel?

imagine your most authentic self. who are you? what is it you stand for? how do you look, feel, think, and move? what do you want? what do you do? what will you not do?

what helps you feel most embodied in your authentic self?

2. facing it.

which parts of yourself or your life do you avoid excavating and taking an honest look at? why?

how have you been lying to yourself or others? are you ready to tell the truth? what might that look like?

which areas of your life could benefit from some radical honesty— whether to yourself or others? what do you need to get more raw and real about in your life?

what’s something you keep trying to ignore but won’t go away? what if you stared it right in the face this time? told it: “let’s go!”? what would that look like? and how might confronting this thing free you?

is there a part of your shadow or darkness that particularly scares or intimidates you? what if you offered this part of you some deep, tender love?

what in your life needs to die in order to create space for the new?

3. desire + risk.

what, specifically, is it that you most deeply desire? what, if anything, is keeping you from this?

what is the one thing that you most earnestly dream about for your life? how would it feel to promise yourself that you’re going to make this happen and believe your own hype?

if you could release the one thing holding you back in your life, what would it be? what’s the first step you can take to make this happen?

what would happen if that one goal you keep procrastinating you finally made a priority?

what’s a meaningful risk you’ve been hesitant to take? how would your life be different if you took this bet on yourself? how would even the simple act of giving yourself this chance impact your relationship with yourself?

4. power.

what is your relationship to power? do you judge it? hide from it? resent it? test it? spar with it?

how do you diminish and undercut your own power? what’s one thing you can start doing today to take your power back?

who would you be if you were fully in your power? how would a balanced and grounded embodiment of power express through you?

5. intimacy.

what can you do to deepen presence and intimacy with yourself? your relationships? with life itself?

6. muse.

if you could pick a scorpio muse to help you embody your unique passion, power, and magnetism— who would it be?

upon deciding that i wanted to talk a bit about my depression that consumed the second half of my 2017, it took me a moment to realize that my previous post was in part about the bliss i was able to connect with earlier in that same year. i also recalled how the bliss itself was borne in response to pain. all around, the duality of that year was profound.

over the course of 2018, i couldn’t quite comprehend what the fuck 2017 was. because 2018 was confusing as all hell on its own; it was this extended sense of being suspended in transience, which i was aware of the whole time and simultaneously knew that it wasn’t something i could control or fight. i just had to be in this long ass incubation period of what felt like a whole lot of nothingness.

i still don’t have enough distance from 2018 to have much clarity on what quite happened— but my sense is that my system was integrating the rollercoaster of transformational experiences and deaths/rebirths that 2016 and 2017 brought me.

now having some distance from 2017, however, i can see what an important example of duality it was. it’s fascinating to know that what we view as opposite or polar are never too far apart— particularly with the recognition that duality itself is a construct. the only thing that is actually true and real is oneness.

i remember being awe struck by the daoist view of impermanence and the ever-changing nature of what we view to be opposite or contrasting; for example, light is not light but light-becoming-dark and dark is not dark but dark-becoming-light. because everything is constantly shifting, a static assumption or prescription upon anything is essentially inaccurate and moot. it’s deep and something i’m still unpacking.

existential interlude aside, i want to share a couple stories related to my experience with depression— particularly within the framework of vulnerability, authenticity, and personal boundaries.

to first offer some foundational context: i was on and off depressed from 15-25, then was totally in the pits from 25-27, and started therapy at 27 in 2010. i felt the depression pretty much fully lift after my first eight months of therapy and my first two months of a naturopathic regimen for my neurotransmitter imbalances. since then, i’ve had depressive dips for a week or two on a handful of occasions over the years and one few month long very low point around early 2013.

what i experienced in 2017 was the longest and most nuanced, shape-shifting, unrelenting depressive period i’ve experienced since what brought me to therapy in 2010. shit was real as fuck. basically, a succession of deeply traumatic and very unpleasant challenging things happened back to back to back— it took me out and knocked me all the way off center.

thankfully, i had my awareness tools to keep from completely going off the deep end, but i was literally teetering on the very edge of that hole for months. it took all my energy to at least just stay teetering and not fall in. after several months, i got two steps away from the hole— my awareness allowed me to measure that— and it took everything in me for another several months to maintain those two steps away from the hole. sometime in the first quarter of 2018, i felt like i got beyond two steps and finally was able to feel more grounded and self-possessed.

in fall 2016, i started sharing my poem-quote things and occasional reflective thoughts on instagram; some people decided i was wise and woke and zen and shit. i am, thanks. i’m also human and have eccentricities and quirks and seeming inconsistencies and personal boundaries. though that may be confusing for some, i get to contain all of that and still be authentic and in integrity.

in fall 2017, during the peak of the aforementioned deep depressive period, i ran into an acquaintance at an event.

she asked me how i was and before i could answer, she said something to the effect of, “and i know you being you, you’re gonna keep it real and not just be like, ‘i’m great!’ if you’re not.” i know she meant to be complimentary, but it was not what i needed to hear in the moment.

in those months, my whole life had been consumed around salvaging my mood the best i possibility could; my own thoughts on ‘how i was doing’ were already encroaching on my space in my alone time. i had decided in advance to do my best to act as if i was okay during this event— because that’s what i needed; i needed a goddamn break.

i got extremely uncomfortable and began wondering if i was inauthentic because i didn’t want to put energy on naming that i wasn’t well. i wanted to answer that i was good and move on to some other type of conversation that i could actually enjoy.

i told myself that saying “good” was true in a sense; because ultimately, i am always alright. and at that time, i was simply experiencing an ebb of my human experience.

i think my discomfort with her remark and my ensuing internal conflict blew my cover; i’m quite certain she felt my reservation and unease when i said “good.” it changed the vibe. and i mostly didn’t care. i wasn’t there to cater to her vision of me.

i chose my self-preservation. and that’s what i’ll choose in the vast majority of cases. i know how useless and even harmful i can be when i’m unwell and not tending to my needs. when i’m real low, any filter i’ve got to maintain a semblance of normalcy and civility with the outside world is paper thin— i know this.

i don’t think we need to feel obligated to say we’re feeling unwell while we are still amidst that experience; it doesn’t help my healing to put energy on a given challenging thing that i’m already working on for the sake of updating someone— especially an acquaintance—perfectly truthfully.

when i’m not intentionally going into my shadow to do work, i want to focus on light to help raise my vibration. note, there is a distinction between mindfully raising my vibration and avoidance/distraction.

online and on social media, there’s a pressure to name our precise reality while we are still inside of a challenging time— in the spirit of “vulnerability” and “authenticity.” nah.

internet and instagram vulnerability culture has distorted our vision on boundaries and what actually constitutes healthy sharing. this culture, which can also be beautiful, has also somehow allowed certain folks to think that they have license to our inner worlds.

our own vulnerability isn’t supposed to harm us. and it isn’t a service to others if we are self-sacrificing our health to share before we feel ready.

important: vulnerability online isn’t a replacement for professional help if you think you might need that. no shame in it— i’ve been in some form of therapy or another for a decade.

some things are only meant for specific people and specific communities in my life. and even then, that doesn’t mean i ever owe *anyone* anything i don’t feel called to share. for more introverted folk like me, certain things may be meant for us alone (and perhaps a therapist or healer, if inclined).

basically, we don’t owe the internet shit— least of all our bleeding hearts. <3