nyc writer
on one hand, you could say our vices and unhealed conditioning have become further activated.
on the other hand, our opportunities to engage in fuckshit have simultaneously decreased.
less polluting
less rushing
less obliging
less escaping
less consuming
less posturing
less pretending
less avoiding
less wasting
less codependency
less excess
less fucks
low-key: what a load off.
what other lesses shall we acknowledge and welcome into our lives?
sometimes what seems like
the main event
is just meant to be practice.
much is coming undone in order to show us what’s underneath. things that were likely always there— things we didn’t want to see, weren’t able to see. things somehow withheld from our view.
death and rebirth are extending us a grand invitation; one that requires our active participation in both dying and birthing/being.
grieve your old paradigm.
recognize its place in your path.
then, let go.
let go.
let go.
forget all stories, norms, beliefs, declarations, and defaults about you and your life.
retire the operating principles you’ve been holding true as a matter of course, without question.
imagine you, your mind, your history a clean slate.
you are reborn with every new breath.
anything can happen from here.
it's not always because of a judgment against you;
sometimes they are triggered by your light.
sometimes we think we know why we’re mad but we’re just... hella wrong.
sometimes we can’t help but assess people through the lens of our pain and feelings of inadequacy.
so sometimes when a glimmer feels hard to come by, we end up feeling hurt when we see someone else shining. this often subconscious trigger might come with a whole slew of very convincing stories and judgments we then make up about that person.
if this is you, keep perspective and take some space. allow others their right to be well while also being super gentle and honest with yourself. this actually isn’t about them at all. you know this. excavate. what’s missing for you? what do you actually need? give that to yourself. remember that this trigger is wholly about your relationship with you.
and if you’re the one in your light with folks acting funny around you: be compassionate with both yourself and others. while it might seem like these people are judging you, they are most likely only judging themselves (whether or not they realize it). examine if your own triggers are showing up here as well— perhaps around needs for approval and belonging. if you felt impacted in any way, also inquire about how that connects with where you’re at with boundaries— physically, emotionally, energetically.
big hugs. we all deserve our own light. sometimes reconnecting with it is a thing. sometimes keeping it is a thing. that’s okay. it’s okay. all our experiences are okay.
chronically delaying gratification
is akin to waiting for death;
if you're still breathing,
remember that you deserve happiness
right now.
i’m really good at this.
“i’ll be happy when…”
“i’ll let myself have fun after…”
“i’ll hang out with people once…”
“i’ll give myself some credit upon the completion of…”
…this ever-elusive constantly shifting benchmark.
i certainly don’t have this figured out but fuck this whole entire shit, really. i can’t remember how she put it, but in her memoir, shonda rhimes basically described not really living life as ‘slow suicide.’ sadly, i relate. it’s been a challenge i’ve had most of my life.
inevitably, i think about this idea in relation to now. it feels even more relevant. but there’s probably a split-mindedness for a lot of us:
“right now is the time to put in work to survive, it isn’t the time to find joy. i don’t have the space or the luxury.”
“i don’t know what’s what, so maybe all i can give myself right now are little joys. wait, is that frivolous and privileged and irresponsible?”
i’m going to get morbid now, so bear with me if you can, because i’m going to bring it all together for our higher good.
in the beginning, i followed the news for covid a lot and then mostly stopped because it got overwhelming. one thing i found in my initial research that has become increasingly clear along the way is this: the virus is unlike anything we’ve seen and as much as we think we understand it, in many ways we don’t. we are constantly learning new, often paradoxical things about the virus, who’s at risk, its prevention, its treatment.
‘it’s spread by respiratory droplets. uh, it’s also airborne. oh yeah, so, you can also bring it inside with your shoes.’
‘build up your immunity— wait— but not too much because your immune system might attack itself while fighting off the virus (cytokine storm).’
‘it’s really only affecting folks 50-60+ and people with pre-existing health conditions— younger folks, children, and pregnant women should be cool. jk, this virus could put anyone in critical or fatal condition and we’re not sure how or why.”
‘take ibuprofen to treat your symptoms— actually, hold on— it could make things worse.’
‘liquor stores are an essential business. so yeah, alcohol might aggravate the virus.’
we’re all vulnerable. this virus could quite literally kill any one of us and there’s only so much we can do about it from a physical standpoint. with all the incomplete and shifting information, we’re somewhat left to our own intuition and devices when deciding on appropriate care for ourselves. science is crucial but it’s got its work cut out for it at the moment.
the material realm is showing us its limits. for me personally, there is no greater signal to tap into the unseen for strength and wisdom. there is no greater call to surrender control while simultaneously reclaiming our sovereign power as truly magical beings.
part of that magic is practicing expanding our view to transcend the 3d reality sometimes, if we can. not in a spiritual bypass kind of way, but in a grounded and self-empowered way: holding the severity of this situation in sight while also knowing that you are a miracle— periodT— and contain infinite possibility.
it’s beyond heartbreaking right now. but here we are. still here. we are the lucky ones. let’s not take that for granted, if at all possible. part of our magic is that we can create more magic, joy, love, health from dust. from nothingness. because it is what we are. we are allowed the magnificence of ourselves at anytime, every time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives. you are allowed to be happy right now— even if a split second is all you can muster.
you know how everyone’s been talking about being mad grateful for what they do have right now? i didn’t really relate— and still don’t always— when folks talk about gratitude. i felt and still sometimes feel shame for ‘being an ungrateful ass.’
here’s the thing: honesty with your emotions is super important right now (and in general). it can be hard to connect with gratitude when you are trying to survive in your own right, when you are ANGRY, when you feel betrayed, confused, resentful, lost, abandoned. by the system, for starters.
some of us are anxious, depressed, barely functional and just trying to hold it together. that’s okay. lovingly and gently witness that without wallowing in it. there is a difference. remain aware, compassionate, and PERSIST. you *will* ultimately move through.
our journeys and feelings that come with are relative to self. always remember that when you try to judge yourself and compare.
gratitude is absolutely a valuable and powerful practice, but if you’re not connecting with it, that is perfectly alright. you can try again later— or not. many paths, y’all.
if you don’t feel gratitude right now, allow the other emotions that are currently present within you to exist. don’t go into shame if you can help it— shame actually happens to be the least supportive emotion. if you’re in shame, witness that compassionately as well. we’ve all been there.
feel like screaming or taking a very long nap or both? i’m tired, too. you’re allowed to be fucking pissed.
anger is a catalyst and can be a turning point if consciously harnessed. anger is also recognized as the beginnings of change on the hawkins scale, which measures the relative energetic frequencies of emotions.
the point is to not *stay* angry or in our lower vibrational emotions. we get to use such emotions instead as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and practice self-compassion. from here, we begin to find our way through— and beyond. to our true selves, to our peace.