coronavirus

slow suicide

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chronically delaying gratification
is akin to waiting for death;
if you're still breathing,
remember that you deserve happiness
right now.

i’m really good at this.

“i’ll be happy when…”

“i’ll let myself have fun after…”

“i’ll hang out with people once…”

“i’ll give myself some credit upon the completion of…”

…this ever-elusive constantly shifting benchmark.

i certainly don’t have this figured out but fuck this whole entire shit, really. i can’t remember how she put it, but in her memoir, shonda rhimes basically described not really living life as ‘slow suicide.’ sadly, i relate. it’s been a challenge i’ve had most of my life.

inevitably, i think about this idea in relation to now. it feels even more relevant. but there’s probably a split-mindedness for a lot of us:

“right now is the time to put in work to survive, it isn’t the time to find joy. i don’t have the space or the luxury.”

“i don’t know what’s what, so maybe all i can give myself right now are little joys. wait, is that frivolous and privileged and irresponsible?”

i’m going to get morbid now, so bear with me if you can, because i’m going to bring it all together for our higher good.

in the beginning, i followed the news for covid a lot and then mostly stopped because it got overwhelming. one thing i found in my initial research that has become increasingly clear along the way is this: the virus is unlike anything we’ve seen and as much as we think we understand it, in many ways we don’t. we are constantly learning new, often paradoxical things about the virus, who’s at risk, its prevention, its treatment.

‘it’s spread by respiratory droplets. uh, it’s also airborne. oh yeah, so, you can also bring it inside with your shoes.’

‘build up your immunity— wait— but not too much because your immune system might attack itself while fighting off the virus (cytokine storm).’

‘it’s really only affecting folks 50-60+ and people with pre-existing health conditions— younger folks, children, and pregnant women should be cool. jk, this virus could put anyone in critical or fatal condition and we’re not sure how or why.”

‘take ibuprofen to treat your symptoms— actually, hold on— it could make things worse.’

‘liquor stores are an essential business. so yeah, alcohol might aggravate the virus.’

we’re all vulnerable. this virus could quite literally kill any one of us and there’s only so much we can do about it from a physical standpoint. with all the incomplete and shifting information, we’re somewhat left to our own intuition and devices when deciding on appropriate care for ourselves. science is crucial but it’s got its work cut out for it at the moment.

the material realm is showing us its limits. for me personally, there is no greater signal to tap into the unseen for strength and wisdom. there is no greater call to surrender control while simultaneously reclaiming our sovereign power as truly magical beings.

part of that magic is practicing expanding our view to transcend the 3d reality sometimes, if we can. not in a spiritual bypass kind of way, but in a grounded and self-empowered way: holding the severity of this situation in sight while also knowing that you are a miracle— periodT— and contain infinite possibility.

it’s beyond heartbreaking right now. but here we are. still here. we are the lucky ones. let’s not take that for granted, if at all possible. part of our magic is that we can create more magic, joy, love, health from dust. from nothingness. because it is what we are. we are allowed the magnificence of ourselves at anytime, every time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives. you are allowed to be happy right now— even if a split second is all you can muster.

gratitude?

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you know how everyone’s been talking about being mad grateful for what they do have right now? i didn’t really relate— and still don’t always— when folks talk about gratitude. i felt and still sometimes feel shame for ‘being an ungrateful ass.’

here’s the thing: honesty with your emotions is super important right now (and in general). it can be hard to connect with gratitude when you are trying to survive in your own right, when you are ANGRY, when you feel betrayed, confused, resentful, lost, abandoned. by the system, for starters.

some of us are anxious, depressed, barely functional and just trying to hold it together. that’s okay. lovingly and gently witness that without wallowing in it. there is a difference. remain aware, compassionate, and PERSIST. you *will* ultimately move through.

our journeys and feelings that come with are relative to self. always remember that when you try to judge yourself and compare.

gratitude is absolutely a valuable and powerful practice, but if you’re not connecting with it, that is perfectly alright. you can try again later— or not. many paths, y’all.

if you don’t feel gratitude right now, allow the other emotions that are currently present within you to exist. don’t go into shame if you can help it— shame actually happens to be the least supportive emotion. if you’re in shame, witness that compassionately as well. we’ve all been there.

feel like screaming or taking a very long nap or both? i’m tired, too. you’re allowed to be fucking pissed.

anger is a catalyst and can be a turning point if consciously harnessed. anger is also recognized as the beginnings of change on the hawkins scale, which measures the relative energetic frequencies of emotions.

the point is to not *stay* angry or in our lower vibrational emotions. we get to use such emotions instead as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and practice self-compassion. from here, we begin to find our way through— and beyond. to our true selves, to our peace.

oxygenating the source

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if your devotion live

outside of yourself

tell me

how does it breathe?

if you place all your devotion, attention, and energy outside of yourself, your top priorities and commitments (devotions) have no reliable energy source. if your devotion is not inside of you as the focal point, it is not connected to you and therefore is without oxygen or life force.

any energy that happens to be available to expend will be finite in supply and rapidly dwindle. eventually, your devotion and what you are devoted to will wither away— in one way or another.

an extension of ‘putting on your oxygen mask before helping others.’

this does not mean myopia, darwinism, selfishness, competition, egoism, exceptionalism, or self-centeredness. in many ways, we sustain ourselves so that we can be truly interdependent.

interdependence is our truth and our balm. i see we are and will continue to be challenged by this call & fact of life. will we step over each other to self protect or for a quick come up— or will we invest in humanity, integrity, and the long game? at one point or another, we are all going to need each other.

so it’s very interesting to witness the decisions and stances people are taking in these last few days.

crisis can unearth our unresolved shadow in many ways. i had to pause before almost writing that crisis shows our “true nature,” because that’s not true— our true nature is love.

i’m not standing here from some high horse; there are thoughts that have crossed my mind that don’t make me feel very proud. but i am doing my best to hold myself accountable and try to be the person i want to be.

while some still think preparedness and vigilance are alarmist and have some stuff to sort out within themselves, there are many folks who are forced to make precarious decisions because they are backed into a corner. because of survival. because our system fails us.

i think about shows like survivor, a film like hunger games, and societal periods of extreme hardship and chaos. challenging times are what test our character most. they show us where we are out of alignment. where we don’t trust. where we are in lack. what we fear.

there are always choices we get to (and are forced to) make.

so i ask again: who will we choose to be?

much love and ease to hearts <3