taking credit for our gifts

my virtues
are not merits
i have personally derived;
they are gifts.

people have often told me how they admire how self aware i am and how committed i am to “doing the work.” sometimes as they marvel in awe. there was a time where i pridefully took all credit for this. but as i evolved in my overall awareness, i realized that self awareness and doing the work are largely not a choice for me— it is how i am wired. these are tools and gifts that i have been given.

it dawned on me that the way “ignorance is bliss” for some, ignorance usually results in sheer torture for me; my hyper self awareness persists through all seasons, regardless of what my ego wants. being aware and tuned to the vibration of truth— often painfully so— is my default.

and so, my self-work is often the result of my desperate attempt to resolve some ever present suffering i’ve been unable to silence and suppress. and even when i do succeed at some version of suppression, the truth remains in the back of my mind along with deep unhappiness.

simultaneously, i recognize that i get to take credit for rising to the challenge and making the decision to do the work. because even despite my nature, i can still decide to opt out; there is plenty of work i trade for the familiar comfort of my suffering; these are my edges, i’m working on them— also often by eventual force and compulsion.

the universe ultimately always kicks my ass out of my limiting habituation— just as it is in this new decade. much death is happening to make way for a rebirth i’ve been hiding from for the last few years.

all this to say: often what we pridefully claim as our self-derived virtues are actually gifts. these gifts are here to help us realize our full potential so we can be of service. not so we can be delusional, self-important, holier than thou assholes. i ain’t special. i just got some tools (that i have a complicated relationship with) for the purpose of my soul mission, which, by the way, isn’t even about me— it’s about us.

when the shine is triggering

it's not always because of a judgment against you;

sometimes they are triggered by your light.

sometimes we think we know why we’re mad but we’re just... hella wrong.

sometimes we can’t help but assess people through the lens of our pain and feelings of inadequacy.

so sometimes when a glimmer feels hard to come by, we end up feeling hurt when we see someone else shining. this often subconscious trigger might come with a whole slew of very convincing stories and judgments we then make up about that person.

if this is you, keep perspective and take some space. allow others their right to be well while also being super gentle and honest with yourself. this actually isn’t about them at all. you know this. excavate. what’s missing for you? what do you actually need? give that to yourself. remember that this trigger is wholly about your relationship with you.

and if you’re the one in your light with folks acting funny around you: be compassionate with both yourself and others. while it might seem like these people are judging you, they are most likely only judging themselves (whether or not they realize it). examine if your own triggers are showing up here as well— perhaps around needs for approval and belonging. if you felt impacted in any way, also inquire about how that connects with where you’re at with boundaries— physically, emotionally, energetically.

big hugs. we all deserve our own light. sometimes reconnecting with it is a thing. sometimes keeping it is a thing. that’s okay. it’s okay. all our experiences are okay.

rude ass people

i’ve been trying a thing. when i come across stank people in real life, i take pause after my initial feeling of offense. i create space for the possibility that they may be going through something or that the only way they know how to cope with their trauma is by being an ass.

doesn’t make it “right” but it’s also their very real reality + ultimately has nothing to do with me. their choices are their own business. their capacity might be less than mine, so i also count my blessings. i try to have compassion instead of taking it personally. within reason, i think it’s better for all involved.

a messenger on the c train

universal confirmation. today it came through my brief but profound encounter with tamara and trinity on the c train.

our connection occurred in immediate, rapid, and seamless succession. the entire interaction was probably no more than a few minutes.

upon walking in, tamara sat right next to me on the fairly empty train and tiny trinity swung around on her mother’s lap in glee. i wasn’t looking at them as they walked in, but i felt their energy pulling me to turn my head.

i looked up and over— trinity’s face was looking up. she was so joyous. “you’re excited, aren’t you?!” she smiled and wiggled around a bit more. 

tamara then fully flung us into the vortex we’d collectively activated; she began talking as if she were reciting something just for me.

‘telepathy? i believe we [humans] were originally telepathic but were socialized out of it for economic gain.’

she’d seen the google search results for “telepathy” on my phone; up until that point, i was fully engrossed in deciding whether or not to post the above graphic. as part of this process, i’d looked up the dictionary definition of telepathy to decide if i should post the graphic with or without explanation. would people be able to connect with such an “out there” declaration? and per my last post, would they get it? did *i* even get it? similar to my poem-quote thingies, the phrases for my word illustrations come largely from spontaneous, intuitive downloads.

i then flipped my phone screen to the graphic: “telepathy is natural.” the words encompassed the exact sentiment she’d almost compulsively given me a mini speech on. i told her the universe had clearly sent her to me as confirmation.

she began asking me about myself and i wanted to know more about her. my stop came within seconds. though i wanted to skip my stop and talk more, i made the split second decision that it was more “appropriate” to carry on with my intended route. i left with great hesitation, lingering outside the door as i waved goodbye.

“post it!” tamara yelled out, smiling.

some people who cross our paths are meant more as messengers. fitting that the sweet fleeting moments we share are a beauty their own.

<3

not even a minute

you are allowed to slow down. if you find it hard to give yourself an empty minute for your mind to rest— hi, welcome to my life of late.

it’s been going on for months, if not the last couple years to a notably intense degree. i’ve known for equally long that a lot of it is because i’m afraid to face myself; the unresolved things going on deeper within me that with even minimal examination, would tell me that it’s time to break and transform a lot of long held habits, beliefs, and paradigms for myself. i haven’t felt ready and so i’ve allowed myself grace.

but there comes a time that the ‘giving yourself grace and space’ thing endures on a bit too long and becomes an avoidant, self-defeating story you’ve begun to tell yourself. you are playing yourself. how you not gonna be who you’re meant to be? who— under all that bullshit conditioning— is what you really are and always were? quit it, seher.

this “go go go” that doesn’t allow you the spaciousness of a single minute, actually comprises a lot of going nowhere; furiously searching the internet, your instagram feed, the analytical labyrinths of your mind, the drama inside of a netflix binge for hours and hours and hours and hours— because maybe there’s an answer to what you’re searching for there.

anywhere but the quiet space inside my body and intuition. because it knows the actual truth. and we don’t want that. that’s work.

so we feast on what’s unreal and then blame our empty stomachs on air.

the illusion of the possibility that we might have actually been able to hold it was so comforting that we welcome excitedly, again and again, the delusion of a productive time pass.

as i continue to stumble over myself a la the monopoly that the everything of nothingness has on my time, i savor that accidental minute when i’m given some pause. that space of time where i’m actually able to feel myself here.

in that sliver is a boundless well of joy, gratitude, and miraculous possibility.

may we all find the sweet quiet moments in ourselves and in our lives more often.

<3

tell the truth.

my carpal tunnel type hand and arm cramps kicked back in recently for the first time in a few years. it forced me to use my phone and social media less than the excessive amounts i normally do.

even though my hand aches quite a bit at times, i am grateful for the message of the pain. i’m grateful for even a semi-break— better than none at all.

what a fucking relief. the shift in my mood and energy any time i temper my phone and/or social media use is wild.

social media and mobile phone addiction is real. over the last couple years, it’s really come through for me as a disruptive and troubling force. still sorting/not sorting/probably avoiding this whole thing.

that’s my truth to share of late. what would you like to tell the truth about? if you feel called, i encourage you to bring your truth into this space as well as into your material world life, and let the load off. others may well need to hear it, including me <3

remember to exhale

some years ago, a therapist told me that i tend to subconsciously hold my breath. i learned that this habit comes from subconscious anxiety (probably amongst other things) and that such limiting of my oxygen intake can erode my health over time. i was paying attention.

now when i catch myself— which is typically daily— i let out a big, big exhale.

and then i let in a big deep breath and exhale again— slowly or swiftly, whatever is needed in the moment.

i often say to myself, “exhale exhale exhale.”

this becomes a pretty powerful opportunity for in-the-moment awareness as well. i might ask myself:

• what am i “holding my breath” about?

• or, what am i holding onto?

• what am i afraid will happen?

• is there something i’m secretly dreading?

• what am i hiding from?

• what might be making me feel tense or uneasy?

• do i feel unsafe right now? why?

• am i disallowing flow and trust in this moment somehow?

• am i simply holding onto generic anxiety because that’s what i’m used to?

what often arises upon answering any of these questions is a realization of some sort of subconscious “clenching.” typically, this clenching— or bracing— is the result of repetitive thoughts or beliefs about the “reality” of our world, our lives, ourselves being erroneously deemed truth and subsequently embedded as a broken record in our subconscious.

once we recognize this subconscious fight or flight (or freeze) loop is silently draining our life force, our exhale allows us to gently recognize and release our false narratives, moment by moment.

exhale and let go, loves. i’m doing it right here with you <3

why we do that unsolicited advice thing and how to stop

unsolicited advice: that boundary violation when someone prescribes their will upon you.

the idea of “should” is way too hella much embedded into our culture.

however subtle or seemingly harmless, the person on the receiving end often feels uncomfortable, annoyed, frustrated, condescended, pressured, unseen, and disregarded. yet many of us continue to dish it nonetheless— why?

what is this irresistible compulsion to give our two cents? and to double down upon resistance, even?

identity and ego.

the identified mind creates ideas of what it believes the world is and references these ideas when deciding how to move about life— on the most base level, in the interest of survival.

our egoic minds and constructed identities are ultimately fragile holograms and our subconscious knows this; it knows that our true selves are formless and devoid of the “i.”

and so, if we are too attached to our egos and identities, our safe space resides in a clearly defined, delicate box. then when anything feels divergent from my safe space construct of a sound reality, it is perceived as an actual threat to *me* and my very existence.

we try to organize and control the world around us as if it were a simulation of what our minds have decided is “right” and therefore “safe.” that’s not real life, though! and it ain’t no funnnnn.

when i learned these concepts in therapy several years ago, it blew my mind and changed my life.

so much of the pain we cause ourselves and others is because of this death grip we keep on our egos and identities as a form of protection. we think that if another person doesn’t see the world how we do or live their lives per our values, that their refusal is an affront to our own goodness, worth, and “rightness.” we question our own freedom to safely exist as we are.

once i really digested this and began to observe what was behind my urges to tell people about themselves, i saw my “advice” was often more about me than the other person. i also started to notice how crazy much everyone does this unsolicited advice thing. and as i stopped imposing my will upon others, i became further sensitized to and uncomfortable when others tried to impose their will upon me or someone else.

what i’ve done since is my best to:

1) ask people if they want feedback or my thoughts before giving it. and be totally fine if they say “no!”

2) cut “should” out of my vocabulary and replace it with things like: “you could consider,” “have you thought about,” “it might be helpful to,” leading questions, personal accounts, etc

best wishes if you decide to take this journey! it’s been a mutually affirming one for both me and folks on the receiving end.