gratitude?

you know how everyone’s been talking about being mad grateful for what they do have right now? i didn’t really relate— and still don’t always— when folks talk about gratitude. i felt and still sometimes feel shame for ‘being an ungrateful ass.’

here’s the thing: honesty with your emotions is super important right now (and in general). it can be hard to connect with gratitude when you are trying to survive in your own right, when you are ANGRY, when you feel betrayed, confused, resentful, lost, abandoned. by the system, for starters.

some of us are anxious, depressed, barely functional and just trying to hold it together. that’s okay. lovingly and gently witness that without wallowing in it. there is a difference. remain aware, compassionate, and PERSIST. you *will* ultimately move through.

our journeys and feelings that come with are relative to self. always remember that when you try to judge yourself and compare.

gratitude is absolutely a valuable and powerful practice, but if you’re not connecting with it, that is perfectly alright. you can try again later— or not. many paths, y’all.

if you don’t feel gratitude right now, allow the other emotions that are currently present within you to exist. don’t go into shame if you can help it— shame actually happens to be the least supportive emotion. if you’re in shame, witness that compassionately as well. we’ve all been there.

feel like screaming or taking a very long nap or both? i’m tired, too. you’re allowed to be fucking pissed.

anger is a catalyst and can be a turning point if consciously harnessed. anger is also recognized as the beginnings of change on the hawkins scale, which measures the relative energetic frequencies of emotions.

the point is to not *stay* angry or in our lower vibrational emotions. we get to use such emotions instead as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and practice self-compassion. from here, we begin to find our way through— and beyond. to our true selves, to our peace.

begin again.

beginning again is an act of love;

start over as many times as you need.

picking yourself up off the floor, whether for the first time or the hundredth, is a significant victory. every. single. time.

self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-regard, self-belief, self-worth. betting on you, honoring you. beginning again is all these things. it is reinvesting in yourself.

i will not give up on myself, no matter the road ahead, because i love me in a way that transcends understanding of the mind. i don’t need to get it all right now to know that i am supposed to be here and that my light is important.

starting from scratch. honoring failure and adjusting course. throwing out the thousandth draft and hitting pen to paper once more. a new outlook on romance. reinvention. giving that talk another try in the morning. one more treatment. another application. a clean slate. giving yourself permission. forgiveness. choosing to wake up each day. tearing down the system and building a new one. iteration. perspective. divorce. the seventh business. a new city. blowing it up and starting over. a reimagined friendship. a new, totally different dream. ending the hiatus. digging through the archives. remembering who you were. who you are. trusting them, even though it stings.

we begin again in so many ways. love you love you.

be tender with the spaces in between

be tender with the spaces in between

stop and

look at them

hold them

get to know them

be there for them;

they are a thing worth love.

to be real, my whole last few years have felt like a big ass in between; transitional. liminal. unclear. slow as entire fuck.

it’s required a ton of patience from me and endless reminders to not judge myself or the process. a lot of losing hope and then fighting to gain it back— often only sort of as time goes on and i become weary. relative neutrality or not feeling bad is usually a win i happily take.

with so much time passed, i realize there is nothing left but surrender (and also blowing up the paradigm of my life— more on that one day, once i’ve cracked that code). in this space i remember that *this* is my life; whatever i got right now is it— however it is. and it is blessed because i get to have it.

so then, how am i spending time with what i’ve got right now? am i going to keep just watching my life pass me by, mad and confused that my life and i are not doing what i want at any given moment— or am i going to choose to look at each in between moment and each in between feeling that i don’t fully understand right now with love?

if i can keep that glimmer of hope, i can remember that these in between moments are my journey, my messy parts— my opportunities for reflection, learning, and transformation; this is all part of a story i’ll tell one day. but i’ve got to have the presence, courage, grace, and faith to live it first.

i woke up today.

if nothing else, this we have. each day is an opportunity:

to blow the whole shit up and start over

to forgive— yourself and others

to go another way

to tell them, “i appreciate you”

to apologize and promise to do better

to take that risk

to give yourself some credit

to say what’s really on your heart

to make space for someone else

to get some perspective

to smile anyway (helps balance your nervous system, too)

to stand up for yourself

to take that break

to try something new

to stop wondering and start doing

to say something kind to a stranger

to let even one person in

to decide, “no more”

to give yourself all the permission

to let the world see your light

<3 // i know there’s more— what else y’all got?

not even a minute

you are allowed to slow down. if you find it hard to give yourself an empty minute for your mind to rest— hi, welcome to my life of late.

it’s been going on for months, if not the last couple years to a notably intense degree. i’ve known for equally long that a lot of it is because i’m afraid to face myself; the unresolved things going on deeper within me that with even minimal examination, would tell me that it’s time to break and transform a lot of long held habits, beliefs, and paradigms for myself. i haven’t felt ready and so i’ve allowed myself grace.

but there comes a time that the ‘giving yourself grace and space’ thing endures on a bit too long and becomes an avoidant, self-defeating story you’ve begun to tell yourself. you are playing yourself. how you not gonna be who you’re meant to be? who— under all that bullshit conditioning— is what you really are and always were? quit it, seher.

this “go go go” that doesn’t allow you the spaciousness of a single minute, actually comprises a lot of going nowhere; furiously searching the internet, your instagram feed, the analytical labyrinths of your mind, the drama inside of a netflix binge for hours and hours and hours and hours— because maybe there’s an answer to what you’re searching for there.

anywhere but the quiet space inside my body and intuition. because it knows the actual truth. and we don’t want that. that’s work.

so we feast on what’s unreal and then blame our empty stomachs on air.

the illusion of the possibility that we might have actually been able to hold it was so comforting that we welcome excitedly, again and again, the delusion of a productive time pass.

as i continue to stumble over myself a la the monopoly that the everything of nothingness has on my time, i savor that accidental minute when i’m given some pause. that space of time where i’m actually able to feel myself here.

in that sliver is a boundless well of joy, gratitude, and miraculous possibility.

may we all find the sweet quiet moments in ourselves and in our lives more often.

<3