healthy boundaries

when the shine is triggering

it's not always because of a judgment against you;

sometimes they are triggered by your light.

sometimes we think we know why we’re mad but we’re just... hella wrong.

sometimes we can’t help but assess people through the lens of our pain and feelings of inadequacy.

so sometimes when a glimmer feels hard to come by, we end up feeling hurt when we see someone else shining. this often subconscious trigger might come with a whole slew of very convincing stories and judgments we then make up about that person.

if this is you, keep perspective and take some space. allow others their right to be well while also being super gentle and honest with yourself. this actually isn’t about them at all. you know this. excavate. what’s missing for you? what do you actually need? give that to yourself. remember that this trigger is wholly about your relationship with you.

and if you’re the one in your light with folks acting funny around you: be compassionate with both yourself and others. while it might seem like these people are judging you, they are most likely only judging themselves (whether or not they realize it). examine if your own triggers are showing up here as well— perhaps around needs for approval and belonging. if you felt impacted in any way, also inquire about how that connects with where you’re at with boundaries— physically, emotionally, energetically.

big hugs. we all deserve our own light. sometimes reconnecting with it is a thing. sometimes keeping it is a thing. that’s okay. it’s okay. all our experiences are okay.

i said nothing

there is so much i can say when i don’t say. do you hear me? i said nothing nothing nothing. it was something. did you hear it? silence. could you feel it or did you turn the other way because it made you uncomfortable? i am speaking to you. i am here. do you see me even when you do not see me? because i see you. heaving.

what having boundaries with personal resources really means

i love supporting my people, my community, marginalized and invisibilized folks, people with whom i resonate, and those i share common challenges with. i enjoy doing so in a way that is not only nourishing to those receiving from me, but also a healthy choice for myself and others concerned or involved. i am disinclined to engage with people who feel expectant or entitled to me or my resources. passive-aggressiveness is also met with deaf ears. i shared the below mapping on my instagram stories a few weeks ago and many people found resonance. so i am sharing it again here. peace <3

just because someone is:

  • a woman

  • a woman of color

  • a person who i share commonalities with

  • a person i generally like

does not mean i will automatically do what they want me to do, give them what they want from me, or hook them up with resources (people, things, institutions)

this does not mean that: 

  • i’m a hater

  • i’m being competitive

  • i’m hoarding resources 

  • i’m reveling in gatekeeping

  • i’m operating from ego

  • i don’t like a given person 

  • i don’t respect a given person

  • i don’t want everyone to win

this does mean that:

  • i am very discerning

  • i am very deliberate/purposeful 

  • i take very seriously who and what i offer my time, energy, resources, and co-sign to

  • i honor my boundaries and capacity 

  • i don’t owe anyone anything 

  • i am courteous of my network and their time, energy, and boundaries

  • i have no interest in doing something i don’t want to just because someone else wants me to