healing

a very detailed review of healthyline crystal mats (my new bff)

update! (6/6/21)

  • my code for 10% off & free shipping is back in action!

  • enter this code for 10% off and free shipping on any healthyline product: SEHER10S

  • on that note, if the mat that i talk about in this review happens to be out of your price range, here are some tips:

    • there are all kinds of sizes available and the smaller mats are way less monies

    • the tao line: know that any of the mats from the tao line will give the same effect (if with PEMF) or a very similar effect (if without PEMF) as the model i mention in this article.

    • the taj line: the mats from the taj line will also deliver a similar experience as the TAO series. to note, when i sampled a TAJ mat, the experience felt relaxing while also a bit stimulating/energizing— for me. everyone’s experience may differ some.

the beginning of an odyssey

listen. this post is an odyssey. there’s something for everyone:

  • backstory with some drama (including why i am “meh” about biomat)

  • short summary on what healthyline’s crystal-bed therapy mats can do

  • by feature breakdown for the nerds

  • v cool testimonials from me and a few friends

  • in store free trial info for nyc folks

  • special discount + free shipping code

  • and everything else you never knew you wanted

i did it for you— so someone who has never heard of healthyline or inframat pro or gemstone therapy or far-infrared therapy or negative ion therapy or PEMF before can conceivably get a solid, well-rounded, and grounded understanding of “what this all is”— even if this blog post is all you ever read on the subject.

it’s also a whole lot easier to send my friends to this blog post than recount all of this over and over to everyone i want to tell— that’s a lot. hi, friends :)

to help make reading breezy, i’ve separated everything out by sections. feel free to skip around in whichever way suits you!

the mystical mats no one knew how to describe

earlier this year, i kept hearing people rave about something called the “biomat” on wellness podcasts. their exaltations of what sounded like a glorified yoga mat were totally vague and decidedly emphatic; it was like this cult secret that completely mystified me and simultaneously low-key enraged me— people could not speak clearly about this thing for the life of them.

my initial google searches yielded descriptions just as vague and further maddened me: i did not understand how people could love a thing so much and not have yet figured out how to articulate the thing. as i write this, i realize that in judgily talking about the ridiculousness of things that evade definition, i could easily be describing love itself— so, touché— but also whatever, i was annoyed.

eventually, i go in for a deep dive google session and it becomes clear that the company that makes the biomat is a multi-level marketing situation (aka MLM) and that’s why all the websites that sell them looked shady as shit. as a creative professional who has designed a handful of websites in her day, i will judge the cover of your website or book or whatever else you are using to sell your stuff. i will also buy your crappy gluten-free crackers if the packaging looks good. i digress.

in this search, i also discover that there’s this other company called healthyline that uses more advanced technology, has a wild variety of mats, sells the comparable (and better) version of the biomat for almost half the price, is not MLM, and has a website that doesn’t look like it was made on geocities in 1994. i was also finally able to read a bit of literature on what the frick these kinds of mats do. and as fate would have it, healthyline had a brick and mortar showroom in manhattan.

my two-hour goldilocks scenario at healthyline

at this point, i feel like i want a mat thingie though i’m not fully sure why (i’d become one of those people). but of course being the responsible adult i am, i needed to try this magical wellness device before sealing the deal— and then save for months to actually get it. i thought i was going to swing in for an efficient 30-minute drop-in situation. for those who know me: though i can be short and sweet if i absolutely must, brevity is not my natural state of being.

i ended up at the store for something like two hours, quickly learning that the comparable mat i was seeking was pretty cool and all, but it didn’t hold a candle to healthyline’s newer tech. i sampled three of these fancier mats in their trial area one by one and then cycled back again to compare my experiences. having my sun and mercury both in virgo (aka gimme all the details for all of life), i made sure my conversation with the brilliant salesperson, ana maria, was thorough. engaging with a customer who was sensitive to energy and also able to narrate the nuance of her experience made it a unique encounter for ana maria as well; we both had a really nice time nerding out and trading thoughts.

we were vibing so well that at one point ana maria asked if i could write down something i’d just said about my experience so the company could use the quote in their marketing. ever the businesswoman (who was also trying to get herself a mat ASAP), i was like, “actual-ly…” and here we are.

personal reflections on the tao 8040

first impressions

the mat that i fell in love with at the showroom was hands down the TAO 8040. in fact, the second mat i’m receiving as part of my partnership with healthyline will also be a TAO and will go to my mom.

quick note that when i speak of the TAO series going forward, i am speaking of the versions that are listed as “firm” on healthyline’s site; the firm models are the ones with PEMF— more on that later.

for those who know what it feels like to reach a place of ease and flow while meditating, you might get what i mean when i say that

it felt like the mat was meditating me when i first tried it.

i feel like all i had to do was lie down and be open to being relaxed— and the rest was just done for me. the relaxation i experienced was deep. it felt like was being enveloped in a warm, gentle hug. the come-down from the hyperactivity of my mind was easeful and kind— it didn’t demand anything of me.

underlying the feelings of peace, calm, and balance, was profound grounding and stabilizing. as someone who often lives in my head, i felt back in my body with a starkly present sense of renewal; i suspected that i had been re-centered to what was probably meant to be my natural equilibrium. immediately, i knew this device could be major in helping my anxiety and disembodiment.

what two and a half months of home use look like

when i first received the TAO for my home, my intention was to use it as a way to get myself to meditate for 30-ish min at the start or finish of each day. the way that my discipline is set up these days though, that’s not quite how things went down.

the mat i have is 40 pounds— it’s crushed crystals, after all; so once i’d set it down in an open area next to my bed, i decided that’s where it would live. and turns out that’s where i’ve lived for the last two and half months as well; i’ve slept on the floor on the mat almost every night, save just a handful of times— and i have a very nice actual bed. to note, i could totally put my mat on my bed (with help) or i could have opted for the queen-sized TAO to live on my bed full-time, but i’m weird.

it was interesting timing actually, because i was going through a pretty intense phase of insomnia around then. since moving to new york eight years ago, i’ve on and off had major insomnia— i’m talking going to sleep at 3, 4, 5, even 6am onward when it gets really bad. the two parts that play into perpetuating my insomnia are 1) trouble forcing myself to physically go to bed, and 2) trouble actually falling sleep once i’m in the bed— sometimes it takes hours just to fall asleep.

the TAO has offered me such grace when it comes to my insomniac bedtime woes. though getting into the bed is still a test of will, once i’m on that cozy warm mat, falling asleep is not an issue anymore. sometimes it even helps me feel more rested than i would otherwise on less sleep.

on a recent night, i got to my mat-bed in a particularly stressed out and buzzy mindframe and wasn’t falling asleep as easily. i got a bit worried. and somehow suddenly, i found myself looking back at my mania realizing it had faded slightly; little by little, i felt the mat slowly coaxing off the layers and soon enough, i was at ease and asleep.

because you need to “preheat” the mat to your desired temperature, i don’t normally fire it up in the middle of the day. but a couple weeks ago, i came home super pissed and depleted and decided to take an afternoon nap. it took me a minute to chill out, even on the mat, but eventually it did bring me down and comfort me. i’ve got to say that comfort— this “there, there” feel as your nervous system chills out— is a major thing i’ve received from the TAO.

my nightly routine

it takes about an hour to preheat the TAO 8040 to its highest setting, so when i get up to preheat my mat every evening, i’m also making an intention for my bedtime. i opt for the high heat to really help me relax and shed the physical and mental stress of the day. having those moments to really feel my aches come alive as they respond to the heat remind me that i’m alive, that i have a body, and i need to pay attention to it more. then after 20-30 minutes, i turn the heat down to a safe temperature for sleeping and pretty quickly knock out. 

it’s kind of a miracle compared to what i was dealing with right before i got the mat. in fact, i think that’s why i’ve slept on it every night— because falling asleep without it feels like it could be a crapshoot. to that end, one of the nights that i felt like i wanted to sleep on my bed, i wound myself down on the mat first and then quickly got into bed so i could ride that relaxation wave into sleep.

a formal-ish summary of benefits

broadly, the various mats under healthyline’s “inframat pro” umbrella can be used for supporting general wellness, balancing one’s biological systems, and detoxification. as a more targeted treatment tool, the mats can be used for pain and symptom management for a variety of illnesses and conditions. 

one of the seemingly universal effects of many of these mats, especially those in the TAO series, is deep relaxation and anxiety relief. better sleep, improved mood, and a general sense of wellbeing are also benefits that many, if not most people, are likely to experience.

for those who are wellness practitioners, a healthyline mat could prove a useful addition to your place of practice. as we know, a relaxed body-mind is more receptive to bodywork and wellness treatments such as acupuncture, reiki, massage, and beyond; this receptivity could also open way for deepening the work in a given session.

the concept of receptivity is especially interesting when we look at it from the vantage point of brainwaves. the TAO, for example, can help bring a person into high theta or low alpha brainwave states— those present in deep relaxation, meditation, immediately upon waking, and just before falling asleep. these are known as receptive states and are ideal for healing work because the mechanical mind is quieted, and the subconscious becomes more present, activated, and malleable for clearing and shifting energetic patterning that no longer serves.

because the TAO is layered with so many different therapies— gemstone, far-infrared, negative ion, and PEMF— its possible benefits are not only vast, they also hold the potential to be mutually supportive. collectively, the therapies in the TAO can help harmonize one back to their natural human biorhythm, promote blood circulation, facilitate oxygenation of tissues + the brain, help energize + repair cells, assist repair of nerves + tissues + bones, reduce inflammation, and generally support the repair and maintenance of a variety of foundational biological systems. this upgrade and harmonization of one’s physiology can then in turn can alleviate symptoms of various illness.

notes on wellness consumerism

and even with all the potential benefits, i find it imperative to say that it’s important to be abundantly mindful when it comes to wellness-related purchases. as we’ve all hopefully heard in some way or another by now, having all the crystals in the world won’t “save” us— it’s the inner work and leading a healthy lifestyle that counts the most. various tools can absolutely help us along our process, significantly even; but if we aren’t addressing root causes, we’ll simply find ourselves perpetually treating symptoms. while this can get more complicated when we’re talking about chronic issues, the importance of minding root cause the best you can still holds. so while these mats can offer profound benefits, let this serve as a loving reminder to keep an honest perspective of your personal situation, your motivations, and your intentions when considering this or any wellness product or service.

my friends have a moment

over the course of these last couple months, i had a few friends over to try my TAO 8040. here’s what it was like for them:

ashleigh came with me to the healthyline showroom for my second visit. this was before i received the mat for my home; i was excited to share my experience with a friend who i thought would appreciate the mat. per usual, ashleigh had been non-stop traveling and working. i think she’d maybe arrived on a flight to nyc the night before and hadn’t really slept at all. she told me that her experience on the TAO helped compensate for her lack of rest notably and as someone who has to regularly manage her anxiety, it was most relaxed she’d felt in a long time. to boot, she said it was one of the most relaxing things she’d ever done.

melissa ended up being the very first person on my own mat (before even me) after she mentioned being in chronic pain from plantar fasciitis. she’d recently completed the topaz surgery and was in physical therapy showing marginal improvement with her pain and mobility. at the time, she shared that her experience on the mat was the most effective thing so far in alleviating her pain. melissa shares directly:

my condition has required pills, surgery, and physical therapy three times a week just to be managed. there have been days in which I couldn’t walk a couple blocks to my subway stop without limping. yet after only a blissful hour on the mat, i was immediately able to feel a difference. tendons in my foot that are usually extremely tight were pliable, and the next day i was able to do yoga poses that I haven’t been able enjoy in over a year. don’t get me wrong— the mat isn’t a magic bullet. recovery from any chronic pain condition is long and slow, and requires concerted effort. but the mat may just hold space for you in a way allows that recovery to happen.

isaac was hanging out during melissa’s session and decided to try out the mat for a quick second. when he was done, he was so chill that he had to take a minute to reorient himself to the room. he also thought he was on it for 15 minutes when he was was actually out for 45.

boyuan came over to take a break from the trauma of being amidst displacement from her home; she recounted, “i was in a space of total rage, and within minutes, the mat redistributed my energy throughout my body, and evened me out; specifically, there was a lot of heat in my head, and that was redistributed and also dissipated. i was brought into a relaxed state pretty quickly, and was able to find my breath again. it also grounded me— i could feel that in my feet.”

cara hopped onto the mat for an impromptu session before our friend date with boyuan. she shared, “i couldn’t believe that i could feel the energetic vibrations through my entire body. it was both relaxing and renewing. it was the first time i could lay on my back comfortably without incredible pain in my shoulder caused by a labral tear. it was also great for meditation. i would highly recommend it to anyone seeking relaxation or relief from an injury.”

broadly breaking down individual therapies

the model i chose, the TAO 8040, combines a few different therapies into one mat. below is a high level recap of some potential benefits of each therapy and a bit about how they all work. to note, most healthyline mats contain at least a couple of these therapies. creating this part felt like writing a term paper and took the longest, but i did it because i really want to make this information as accessible as possible for you. and now this can be a reference for me to look back on for quick facts myself!

gemstone therapy (via tourmaline, amethyst, and obsidian)

  • the TAO 8040 contains

    • 17 lbs crushed amethyst

    • 2 lbs crushed tourmaline

    • 2 lbs crushed obsidian

  • the foundational mechanism for delivering far-infrared rays and negative ions are the crystals (or gemstones) contained in each mat

  • in addition to the therapies these crystals help produce, the heated stones themselves promote blood circulation and relief of muscle and joint pain a la “hot stone therapy”

    • proper blood circulation supports essential bodily functions by allowing oxygen and nutrients to be efficiently delivered to our organs

  • for those of us otherwise familiar with crystals, we also know that crystals alone provide powerful body-mind and metaphysical benefits of their own. some of the hallmark virtues of each stone in the TAO:

    • tourmaline: grounding; purifying— protects from and clears lower-vibratory energies (including challenging emotions) within and without; promotes vitality, mental clarity, & self-confidence

    • obsidian: grounding & centering; purifying— protects from and clears lower-vibratory energies (including challenging emotions) within and without; brings forth truth

    • amethyst: one of the most versatile healing crystals with a huge array of benefits; soothes nervous system & relieves anxiety; balances emotions; protects from and transmutes lower-vibratory energies within and without; invites inner wisdom & higher understanding; supports various physical functions & general health

far-infrared therapy

  • far-infrared helps revitalize the human body in a way similar to photosynthesis

    • fun fact: sunlight serves as our natural daily source of far infrared rays

  • far-infrared promotes general wellness. can help:

    • calm and alleviate stress

    • reduce fatigue, improve focus, and increase energy levels

    • improve quality of sleep

  • far-infrared supports the function of the body’s various systems, depending on where applied, by:

    • increasing blood circulation

    • promoting oxygenation

    • relieving inflammation

    • natural detoxification: reducing water retention and eliminating metals 

      • particularly when the TAO is used to create a sauna-like experience with a mylar/foil blanket over the body

  • far-infrared is cool for pain relief!

    • helps relieve pain and stiffness in muscles and joints

    • reported to help alleviate discomfort associated with arthritis, lower back pain, muscle spasms, everyday aches, sprains, and strains

    • unlike traditional heating pads that only reach the surface of the skin, far-infrared heat penetrates 4-6 inches into the body, allowing for deep tissue and muscle relaxation

negative ion therapy

  • negative ions are in nature and our every day lives

    • we’re surrounded by feel-good negative ions in the mountains, the forest, and in even greater quantities near large bodies of water like lakes, beaches, and waterfalls

    • more accessible everyday sources of negative ions include steamy showers and thunderstorms, with both leave us feeling refreshed as a result of this exposure

  • negative ions promote general wellness and help to:

    • lift our mood and energy

    • relax and de-stress

    • oxygenate the brain and clear the mind

    • improve the quality of sleep

    • detoxify the body and improve its function

    • purify air in an environment

    • facilitate clear and optimal breathing function

    • normalize serotonin levels

    • nourish the bloodstream

  • positive ions are not the good ones

    • positive ions are produced by the technology of our daily lives (laptops, mobile phones, laundry machines, hair dryers, fluorescent lights, etc) as well as environmental contaminants like toxins, allergens, viruses, pollution, and dust

    • a prevalence of positive ions will reduce the amount of negative ions in the same environment, a common quandary of modern life, especially in cities

    • too many positive ions and thus too few negative ions can contribute to:

      • getting sick more often

      • lethargy and decreased productivity

      • low mood

      • headaches

  • more negative ions can help combat and reduce the positive ions in your body and your environment

    • negative and positive ions attract one other and cancel each other out

    • the result of less positive ions and more negative ions serves to reduce harm and increase healing

PEMF (pulsed electromagnetic field) therapy

  • what is PEMF and how does it work?

    • the electromagnetic fields (EMFs) most commonly cautioned against are the kind produced by man-made things like wifi routers, power lines, mobile phones, household appliances, and other electrically charged devices

    • not all electromagnetic fields are bad; for example, the earth, the sun, and the human body each naturally produce electromagnetic fields

    • healthyline mats containing pulsed electromagnetic field (PEMF) technology are tuned to 7.8hz and deliver this frequency via a pulsed sinusoidal waveform

      • 7.8hz is the same frequency of the earth, which also closely matches the human biorhythm

      • recognizing this parallel offers insight into why setting our feet on the earth has such a deeply grounding and stabilizing effect on us; we can also see why exposing ourselves to this frequency via a healthyline mat could have a similar impact

    • by increasing the spin of electrons and creating impact on a cellular level, PEMF works to restore, improve, and maintain the body’s function holistically

  • PEMF fun facts:

    • healthyline holds the sole patent for offering far-infrared therapy together with PEMF therapy in a single gemstone mat experience

    • NASA uses PEMF therapy to help its astronauts reacclimate to earth and heal from the impact of residing in a non-native environment (aka space)

  • overall, PEMF can help:

    • heal the dysregulation of our systems caused by everyday exposure to EMFs via electronics by clearing out their interfering frequencies

    • support overall wellbeing by stimulating individual cells and restoring them to proper function

    • relax the nervous system while simultaneously improving vitality

    • reduce pain, stiffness, and swelling

      • including from new injuries, surgery, and minor chronic conditions

    • accelerate recovery time for injuries

      • with bone recovery, nerve repair, range of motion 

    • strengthen the immune system

    • reduce inflammation

    • remove blockages and stagnation in the body

    • expand blood vessels and thereby improve circulation wherever applied

    • amplify the impact of other pain relief treatments (i.e. far-infrared therapy)

try it for yourself for free

healthyline mats come in many different sizes, styles, and price points and combine various iterations of therapies. some of their mats offer yet another therapy i haven’t yet mentioned (it’s not in the TAO 8040)— it’s called photon light therapy.

i should add that the TAO 8040 is kind of a “big & tall” size that i opted for because i like the roominess. their standard large size TAO is a bit shorter and narrower— and also a couple hundred bucks cheaper than mine. also, a reminder that only the “firm” TAO models include PEMF.

if you want to try a couple of healthyline’s most popular mats— including the exact one i own— at their manhattan showroom (41 west 36th street), just roll up for a free 20 minute session. no appointment needed! you can also take the opportunity to ask all the questions your heart desires. they’re open 10am-7pm every day.

also know that healthyline offers a 45-day risk-free trial. this basically means that you can try a healthyline mat for at least a month and return it for a full refund— minus the cost of return shipping— if you don’t like it or don’t want it for any reason.

do your own research + safety precautions

i advise that you do at least a little of your own research, be mindful of safety precautions, and take note of contraindications. the healthyline website is a great place to start.

discount code + donation of proceeds

yay! if you decide to go for one of these lil dudes, hop over to healthyline.com and use the below discount code at checkout for 10% off and free shipping. from how i understand it, this code is good foreverrrr:

seher10s

for any purchases made through november 15 using the above code, i’ll be donating all my affiliate earnings to a yet-to-be-determined charity or organization focusing on wellness and/or social good.

leave your questions in the comments

drop your questions in the comments. i’ll keep a closer look for the next week to answer your questions (publicly for everyone’s benefit). afterwards, i may leave you to your own devices!

tell the truth.

my carpal tunnel type hand and arm cramps kicked back in recently for the first time in a few years. it forced me to use my phone and social media less than the excessive amounts i normally do.

even though my hand aches quite a bit at times, i am grateful for the message of the pain. i’m grateful for even a semi-break— better than none at all.

what a fucking relief. the shift in my mood and energy any time i temper my phone and/or social media use is wild.

social media and mobile phone addiction is real. over the last couple years, it’s really come through for me as a disruptive and troubling force. still sorting/not sorting/probably avoiding this whole thing.

that’s my truth to share of late. what would you like to tell the truth about? if you feel called, i encourage you to bring your truth into this space as well as into your material world life, and let the load off. others may well need to hear it, including me <3

you.

there is no one like you in the world. not everyone will understand you. sometimes, you won’t understand yourself. you will be loved. you will be left. you will feel despair. and hope. sometimes simultaneously. you will beat your fists against the wall and hear nothing. you will lie there sometimes, lifeless. you will rise and begin on a path unknown. you will meet travelers. some will betray you. others will show you your light. you are not alone but you do inhabit this body alone. do you love it? how does it make you feel? remember that you’re all it’s got.

empowerment makes me uncomfy

the popular usage of ”empowerment”— particularly in relation to self-development, the current women’s movement, wellness communities, and inspirational leaders— has long triggered unease within me; beyond gross overuse, i feel the way the term is often used is incorrect— and insidiously disempowering to the subconscious as a result.

some definitions i pulled across a handful of online dictionaries, including merriam-webster, cambridge, and oxford:

  1. to give (someone) the authority or power to do something

  2. to give official authority or legal power to

  3. enable (to provide with the means or opportunity)

  4. to give someone official authority or the freedom to do something

  5. to enable or permit

  6. to make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights

  7. to encourage and support the ability to do something

  8. to promote the self-actualization or influence of

for me, definitions one through five cover the formal empowerment of someone by granting them access to execute a certain position or action of power within a given institution or system. depending on context, this can be a fair naming, particularly when operating to “correct” systemic imbalances and injustices; the privileged using their means to empower the disenfranchised rightfully exists as one tool, amongst others. though some might get it twisted, such empowerment is not a transference of actual agency, ability, or deservingness, which every person innately possesses— it is largely  functional and surface in nature.

then we arrive at definition six— the deeply troubling common usage definition in wellness and women’s communities; here, the first five definitions are rolled up to imply that one human can somehow “make” another human stronger and more confident. we can sure be deluded into this notion, but only after we decide— consciously or subconsciously— to give our own power away first. that this is a formal definition makes my head spin.

as far as i’m concerned, the only way it is possible for one person to empower another— i.e. give permission or power to— is by also giving power to systems of oppression and the victim-savior paradigm. our power is not derived from another. the power of our essential nature cannot be given, taken, or transferred— it can only be illuminated; others can inspire us to open to our truths but true empowerment can only ever come from within.

the only definitions i find relatively sound within a psychosocial context are seven and eight as they have a supportive quality— focusing instead on inspiration and promotion around self-actualization and self-empowerment.

but even then, i wonder how much we can escape the common usage assumptions embedded in our subconscious: “empower” as a subject oriented verb inherently disempowers the object by assuming its lack of agency and erasing its innate power. these subtle disempowering suggestions that have pervaded our collective subconscious require us to believe that we need something or someone outside of ourselves to be truly powerful— to “fix” us, to “heal” us, to “give us permission.” this is false, capitalistic, imperialist, supremacist, oppressive bullshit. it is quintessentially “giving our power away.” i don’t feel fucking empowered when someone suggests that they can empower me. making someone or something outside of ourselves the actor within contexts of empowerment, healing, and permission/agency is harmful, reductive, and regressive— let’s take some heavy pause here, please.

we wholly empower ourselves, heal ourselves, and give permission to ourselves— any outside influences are conduits and facilitators— that’s it. anyone claiming differently— saying they are saving, healing, fixing, allowing, empowering you (giving you power)— is quite possibly a false leader coming from ego.

even in healing modalities where say, someone performs a chakra clearing on you: your body, your energy, and your subconscious are active participants in these processes by offering permission, access, insight, and the willingness to shift— whether or not you are consciously aware of this. we are our own healers, even when we have assistance— healing fundamentally cannot happen without our consent or participation.

a quick shift back to institutional  empowerment: though technically another can empower us in these situations, self-empowerment is still the purest and truest form of empowerment at the root level— even here. for example, the act of white people empowering people of color by offering them job roles will not alone correct racist institutions— or the issue of racism; as such, this deference or assignment by a white person or “white” institution to a person of color is still a phenomenon occurring within the original oppressive paradigm; it is “empowerment” only to a degree.

as much as we must do what we can within existing constructs, we can’t take for granted the need for imagining and building new paradigms from scratch ourselves, where terms like “diversity” and “inclusion” are no longer needed because our new systems are inherently sound and of integrity.

all said, in it being a word deeply intertwined with current movements, i don’t believe “empowerment” is going away any time soon. so my hope is that we at least use it and receive it with more discernment, awareness, self-respect, and humility— and that we explore fuller, truer ways to express how we are supporting each other in collective healing and liberation.

much love <3

i don’t owe anyone my inner world

upon deciding that i wanted to talk a bit about my depression that consumed the second half of my 2017, it took me a moment to realize that my previous post was in part about the bliss i was able to connect with earlier in that same year. i also recalled how the bliss itself was borne in response to pain. all around, the duality of that year was profound.

over the course of 2018, i couldn’t quite comprehend what the fuck 2017 was. because 2018 was confusing as all hell on its own; it was this extended sense of being suspended in transience, which i was aware of the whole time and simultaneously knew that it wasn’t something i could control or fight. i just had to be in this long ass incubation period of what felt like a whole lot of nothingness.

i still don’t have enough distance from 2018 to have much clarity on what quite happened— but my sense is that my system was integrating the rollercoaster of transformational experiences and deaths/rebirths that 2016 and 2017 brought me.

now having some distance from 2017, however, i can see what an important example of duality it was. it’s fascinating to know that what we view as opposite or polar are never too far apart— particularly with the recognition that duality itself is a construct. the only thing that is actually true and real is oneness.

i remember being awe struck by the daoist view of impermanence and the ever-changing nature of what we view to be opposite or contrasting; for example, light is not light but light-becoming-dark and dark is not dark but dark-becoming-light. because everything is constantly shifting, a static assumption or prescription upon anything is essentially inaccurate and moot. it’s deep and something i’m still unpacking.

existential interlude aside, i want to share a couple stories related to my experience with depression— particularly within the framework of vulnerability, authenticity, and personal boundaries.

to first offer some foundational context: i was on and off depressed from 15-25, then was totally in the pits from 25-27, and started therapy at 27 in 2010. i felt the depression pretty much fully lift after my first eight months of therapy and my first two months of a naturopathic regimen for my neurotransmitter imbalances. since then, i’ve had depressive dips for a week or two on a handful of occasions over the years and one few month long very low point around early 2013.

what i experienced in 2017 was the longest and most nuanced, shape-shifting, unrelenting depressive period i’ve experienced since what brought me to therapy in 2010. shit was real as fuck. basically, a succession of deeply traumatic and very unpleasant challenging things happened back to back to back— it took me out and knocked me all the way off center.

thankfully, i had my awareness tools to keep from completely going off the deep end, but i was literally teetering on the very edge of that hole for months. it took all my energy to at least just stay teetering and not fall in. after several months, i got two steps away from the hole— my awareness allowed me to measure that— and it took everything in me for another several months to maintain those two steps away from the hole. sometime in the first quarter of 2018, i felt like i got beyond two steps and finally was able to feel more grounded and self-possessed.

in fall 2016, i started sharing my poem-quote things and occasional reflective thoughts on instagram; some people decided i was wise and woke and zen and shit. i am, thanks. i’m also human and have eccentricities and quirks and seeming inconsistencies and personal boundaries. though that may be confusing for some, i get to contain all of that and still be authentic and in integrity.

in fall 2017, during the peak of the aforementioned deep depressive period, i ran into an acquaintance at an event.

she asked me how i was and before i could answer, she said something to the effect of, “and i know you being you, you’re gonna keep it real and not just be like, ‘i’m great!’ if you’re not.” i know she meant to be complimentary, but it was not what i needed to hear in the moment.

in those months, my whole life had been consumed around salvaging my mood the best i possibility could; my own thoughts on ‘how i was doing’ were already encroaching on my space in my alone time. i had decided in advance to do my best to act as if i was okay during this event— because that’s what i needed; i needed a goddamn break.

i got extremely uncomfortable and began wondering if i was inauthentic because i didn’t want to put energy on naming that i wasn’t well. i wanted to answer that i was good and move on to some other type of conversation that i could actually enjoy.

i told myself that saying “good” was true in a sense; because ultimately, i am always alright. and at that time, i was simply experiencing an ebb of my human experience.

i think my discomfort with her remark and my ensuing internal conflict blew my cover; i’m quite certain she felt my reservation and unease when i said “good.” it changed the vibe. and i mostly didn’t care. i wasn’t there to cater to her vision of me.

i chose my self-preservation. and that’s what i’ll choose in the vast majority of cases. i know how useless and even harmful i can be when i’m unwell and not tending to my needs. when i’m real low, any filter i’ve got to maintain a semblance of normalcy and civility with the outside world is paper thin— i know this.

i don’t think we need to feel obligated to say we’re feeling unwell while we are still amidst that experience; it doesn’t help my healing to put energy on a given challenging thing that i’m already working on for the sake of updating someone— especially an acquaintance—perfectly truthfully.

when i’m not intentionally going into my shadow to do work, i want to focus on light to help raise my vibration. note, there is a distinction between mindfully raising my vibration and avoidance/distraction.

online and on social media, there’s a  pressure to name our precise reality while we are still inside of a challenging time— in the spirit of “vulnerability” and “authenticity.” nah.

internet and instagram vulnerability culture has distorted our vision on boundaries and what actually constitutes healthy sharing. this culture, which can also be beautiful, has also somehow allowed certain folks to think that they have license to our inner worlds.

our own vulnerability isn’t supposed to harm us. and it isn’t a service to others if we are self-sacrificing our health to share before we feel ready.

important: vulnerability online isn’t a replacement for professional help if you think you might need that. no shame in it— i’ve been in some form of therapy or another for a decade.

some things are only meant for specific people and specific communities in my life. and even then, that doesn’t mean i ever owe *anyone* anything i don’t feel called to share. for more introverted folk like me, certain things may be meant for us alone (and perhaps a therapist or healer, if inclined).

basically, we don’t owe the internet shit— least of all our bleeding hearts. <3

spontaneous crystal therapy

photo //&nbsp;pinterest

photo // pinterest

my crystal bowl has sat there for years, relatively untouched; presumably clearing and shifting energetic fields unseen and unknown to me.

the other day i was drawn to one crystal, then another, and another. the minute i grasped the trio in my palm, i began shaking (as i do at times when energy is shifting/clearing/generating) and underwent my first spontaneous intuitive crystal healing; i was pretty sure i wasn't done and 15-20 minutes later i went through one of my craziest shake sessions to date.

i kept this trio by my bedside and near me during the day for the following couple days during which i still felt a charge/connection. today i picked them up, felt nothing immediately, and became quite clear our work was done for now.

as i set them down back into my bowl, i stayed for a minute to see if any other crystals wanted to connect with me. i grabbed a black tourmaline (grounding/protecting) first and placed it in my left palm, then the white selenite (elevating/opening); recognizing the duality in color and vibration, i placed the selenite in my right palm. again, an immediate energetic response.

as i sat down, i placed the tourmaline on the left of my seat and the selenite on the right; and surely, i felt the crystals interacting to create a potent energetic field, forming something of a 180 degree arc around and above me; i'm buzzing as i write this.

a reminder that all in our lives ripens when it is time for us to receive it. 

half of the crystals i've used were gifted to me, half i've had for years; we came together for these moments.

it's really quite surreal to follow your intuition and connectedness as it opens; kind of like the real life magical land i always dreamed about when i was little. i knew it was real.

<3

bleeker: a personal + professional development fellowship

in january 2017, i'll be joining the good folks at bleeker for a unique year-long personal and professional development fellowship. unlike many fellowships, bleeker does not hinge on a monetary grant but instead gifts its fellows with a thoughtfully crafted resource framework. the core of the program includes four main elements — executive coaching, monthly workshops, mentorship, and a full-time administrative assistant — intended to actively and regularly engage fellows in their development process.

bleeker has two fellowship cycles each year in both new york city and the bay area. one cycle begins in january and the other begins in july. applications for the july nyc and bay area cohorts are still open and are due january 31. you can go to this link for more detailed info about the fellowship and to apply.

before beginning our first group session in january, we were asked to fill out a questionnaire to help guide our experience; they said it would take 20 minutes but i knew i was going to have to set a few hours aside when i saw questions on there like “what is your purpose?” if you read my inaugural blog post, you know that’s a question i’m constantly asking myself that is forever yielding new nuance and answers. 

as always, i learned more about myself and my path from this inquiry and also got pretty real about some shit that somehow even surprised me. like, how the 'positive' and 'negative' ways people might describe me are almost opposites or two sides of the same coin. or how the “projects” reflecting my abilities that i was most moved to write first have nothing to do with my photography career. i also came away grateful for the subtle and new articulations i found to communicate how i presently view my purpose and path. you can dig into my questionnaire below:

describe a positive impact that you've made on your community, neighborhood, company, city or country.

by being honest and open about my challenges, my growth, and who i am, i have inspired others to find their strength and follow their truth.

describe the positive impact that you intend to create in the future.

more of the above but with more structure and intentionality; applying that same ethos to various models for conversations, art, media, community spaces, cultural exchange, and social problem solving. with an additional focus on integrating a value of healing into our daily work, lives, relationships, and into a new paradigm for activism. specific areas of impact i am interested in are feminism (+ challenging what that's come to mean in the mainstream),  multiculturalism, and social equality for marginalized groups.

describe the projects that you've initiated, led or contributed to that best define your abilities.

'the forum' - founding + moderating a discussion group series about whatever is on participants' hearts and minds in the moment; 'freewrite' - a social media short poem/personal adage series that encourages mindfulness, awareness, vulnerability, and authenticity; leading an intro to chi gong session in my home after a particularly challenging time with police brutality news & helping soothe my peers' systems; keeping a photography business and portfolio thatconsciously represent and honor people of color; capturing people through portraits that are honest and down to earth; creating space to capture raw and vulnerable cast portraits for the 'fit the description' documentary (it features honest conversations between black male police officers and black male civilians)

what is your purpose?

to foster healing and peace by extracting and illuminating truth from confusion, chaos, and seeming contradiction/disparity; and as such, to be a bridge for people and institutions. i see myself as a communicator/storyteller, strategic facilitator, and community builder.

what are your principles or values? (the rules that guide your personal and professional actions when no one is looking.)

authenticity, truth, healing, justice, balance, inner peace, contentment, mindfulness.

describe your personality. (how would your friends, teammates, family members and collaborators describe what it's like to spend time with you?)

insightful, intense, loving, silly, withdrawn/in her own world; what it's like to spend time with me? sometimes healing, inspiring, warm, and other times uncomfortable, challenging, isolating. 

what is your professional trajectory?

i am interested in using my experience with photography, writing, media, marketing, and community building to conceive and produce multidisciplinary projects for social impact-- whether that entails me drawing from my own skills/talents or acting more as a visionary and culling the talents of other individuals. at the moment, my sights are primarily on devising a web-based social project + community spaces that foster empathy, conversation, learning breakthroughs, healing, and creative activism.

in allyship with anger, fear, and pain

photo // CC0

photo // CC0

the most potent balm;
a dialogue
in allyship
with your anger
fear
and pain.

most often, our relationships with anger, fear, and pain tend to center around our reactions to the emotions themselves; themes of frustration, shame, avoidance, and overwhelm pervade. this unfortunately only compounds existing “negative” feelings and drives us deeper into cycles of misery, escapism, helplessness, and self-judgment. we begin to feel like we’re drowning.

in these instances, we have opted to merge with the challenging emotions; take them on and wear them as parts of our identity and who we are — perhaps even beginning to look at ourselves as deficient. in my view, this is inaccurate as our essential selves are always whole, powerful, and wise. our spirits are indestructible and i personally refuse to see it any other way.

what i have to come to learn is that anger, fear, and pain are messengers; they are not negative, but are rather gifts we receive to learn more about ourselves and our relationship to this world and this existence. through my own rigorous experience, i’ve learned the unparalleled transformative power of making friends with my anger, pain, and fear — as entities separate from my true self whom have come to me as my teachers.

in unpacking the underlying truths my anger, pain, and fear reflect, i have come to more deeply meet and embody my true self, what i stand for, my connection with others, and the nature of existence. committing to this process has allowed me a greater acceptance for what is (no matter what) while simultaneously equipping me with a resolve to go out and fight for who i am and what i believe in with a delicacy and strength i’ve only just met.

yes, i preach love — lots of it; but my love is not one of passivity, one that turns a blind eye to injustice, or one that withholds itself from so-called ‘lower based emotions.’ if so inclined, i encourage you to connect with your anger, pain, and fear. ask them what they have to say; layer by layer — until you have stripped down to the core — to the truth. the fire behind that truth will naturally propel you to transform both what is within and what is beyond.

with love,
seher