holistic immunity amidst the unknown

• echinacea: immune support, active responder

• elderberry: immune support, active responder

• astragalus: immune support, system builder

• ginger: system restoration, gastrointestinal

• turmeric: system restoration, anti-inflammatory

• valerian: nervous system, calming & relaxing

in addition to lots of hand washing, disinfecting, and social distancing, keeping our immune system in order is important.

i ordered these herbal tinctures today to help support me right now. the brand is @herbpharm and you can find it at various health food stores. the descriptions are off the labels, though these incredible herbs also do so much more.

something like valerian, though not directly impacting our immune system, is still significant for immune strength because stress and anxiety compromise our immunity and make us more susceptible to illness. so does lack of sleep.

what are your favorite herbs? i know there are many many more for immunity alone!

whatever you can do to help create ease within you, gift that to yourself. twirl around your home, exercise, rock out to your favorite music, write a poem, meditate, practice reiki or qigong, do some eft, turn on those isochronic tones or binaural beats, give yourself a sound bath, laugh, get in on a virtual breathwork group, wash some dishes (some people love that shit), chop some vegetables, sleep, pet your doggy or kitty, pet your baby, facetime your fam.

meditation is endless things. right now is several more things. conversations happening all over my internet and messages about what this contains. it’s real and all encompassing. systemic inequity is being both felt and seen. many of us are in it. a reckoning is upon us.

the road ahead is only partially predictable. much unseen and unknown. how will we show up— both for ourselves and others? what will we prioritize? what do we have if what we thought we had— both figuratively and literally— goes away? who will we decide to be? will it be who we promised we’d be? what will our ancestors say? what is true peace of mind?

be good to you and to others. be gentle. be well. wishing us all abundant health, compassion, and courage. <3

life as it is

i often don’t know how i’m going to pay my bills. sometimes i don’t know if i will. but i always do.

knowing i always have a choice in how to expend my energy, i respond by orienting my thoughts towards what i *do* want and what i *can* do.

it saves me and keeps me sane every time.

in the last 9 years of being a full-time freelancer, i’ve learned to shift many of my perspectives in order to survive this whimsical, demanding, unpredictable life i’ve chosen.

so now, i stop to take a moment of gratitude every time i deposit a check and every time i pay my rent.

most recently, i’m recognizing that the life i’ve had for the last few years and the life i have today, *is* my life.

doesn’t mean i can’t change things, that i can’t fulfill dreams, that i can’t grow, that i can’t want more.

it does mean that the life to be lived and be present in and grateful for is the one that i have right now. like, now now.

this is it.

this. is. it.

be here now.

wherever you go, there you are.

all such things collide *here*

what are you doing with the you you’ve got right now?

i am being nice to myself? present to myself? fully experiencing myself, others, and this world? both the grandeur and minutiae? 

presence. that’s my word for the year, though i try to escape it for words like “abundance” sometimes. presence chose me. it knows i need it.

full time freelance life has forced me to take stock of my blessings much more than i used to. and i’m ever grateful for that, too.

best wishes to all my creative comrades out here living to dream and dreaming to live. <3

best/worst.

your worst and best work

have more in common with each other

than with everything in between.

best/worst. two sides of the same coin. passion and truth expressed are often met with polarity. we make that polarity mean a lot and often allow it to fracture us.

the content of the polarity does not necessarily matter. that polarity occurred is what to note. it means you have stirred souls. your work has met its vibrational directive in helping shift the collective— whether or not people are aware or accept this.

creativity is so subjective, so personal, spiritual. yet we judge it, critique it, categorize it. who and what is the decider? what determines the worth and veracity of our work?

can “bad” work be good? be truth? be actually not bad and instead great in its badness? who is it bad to and why? are you bad? did you do bad? did you fail? i think you won because you created.

creation is a statement to the universe. creation is presence. it is a striving and an aliveness that is unlike any other human experience. creation is saying yes, being yes. being. how is that bad?

how is everything that we put ourselves into not valuable and important? all shades of subjectivity are moot if creativity and work are proof of our aliveness and our truth striving to be expressed.

each output, each iteration is information; a window into ourselves, our connectivity, and the world around us. in creating, we are learning to know ourselves and everything more. is there a worst knowing? to me, knowing is always best— even when it hurts.
.
“good” and “bad” might not be as different as we thought; both are subject to being distilled to the is-ness of everything. in creating, i am here. in creating, i am.

i am. i am. i am.

on detachment

i remember standing in my college dorm room staring blankly atop the dresser. there was only one earring left. and i was slowly allowing the admission to sink in that i’d lost its companion. by some arbitrary form of cruel magic, it had seemingly fallen off my ear.

the earrings were not a family heirloom, not costly, not precious by any traditional measure-- i probably got them at an urban outfitters. yet i felt the frustration coursing through my body: total defeat and helplessness.

i didn’t treasure many material possessions; why did one of the few things that i leaned on to warm my daily experience have to leave me like that? as my heart sank, i held a piercingly clear recognition that i was amidst a heartbreaking turning point in my life.

devastating disappointments with family and friends taught me to always be skeptical about people on a level. close my heart off. by extension, i recognized the transient nature of any and everything as the only absolute and trained myself to be excessively detached in general. i’d become expert at cutting people off the moment i sensed any unease threatening future pain.

and this fucking earring had just owned me. staring at the dresser that day, i made the decision that i wouldn’t care about the loss of a personal possession ever again; i dressed up the declaration in zen to ease the blow but i knew that i’d just killed off another piece of my heart. almost as a test, i soon lost the majority of my few other beloved items. in cool observation, i internally recited my new mantra: “nothing ever stays anyway.”

something like 15 years later, i am still contending with this conditioning. it’s coming undone slowly.

honor the incremental re-opening of your heart. this, too, is love. <3

begin again.

beginning again is an act of love;

start over as many times as you need.

picking yourself up off the floor, whether for the first time or the hundredth, is a significant victory. every. single. time.

self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-regard, self-belief, self-worth. betting on you, honoring you. beginning again is all these things. it is reinvesting in yourself.

i will not give up on myself, no matter the road ahead, because i love me in a way that transcends understanding of the mind. i don’t need to get it all right now to know that i am supposed to be here and that my light is important.

starting from scratch. honoring failure and adjusting course. throwing out the thousandth draft and hitting pen to paper once more. a new outlook on romance. reinvention. giving that talk another try in the morning. one more treatment. another application. a clean slate. giving yourself permission. forgiveness. choosing to wake up each day. tearing down the system and building a new one. iteration. perspective. divorce. the seventh business. a new city. blowing it up and starting over. a reimagined friendship. a new, totally different dream. ending the hiatus. digging through the archives. remembering who you were. who you are. trusting them, even though it stings.

we begin again in so many ways. love you love you.

living inside yourself

home is everywhere

when you live inside yourself.

i release all attachments and call my energy back from people, places, spaces, times, dimensions, and things where i’ve given my energy away. i call *all* of my energy back and return to my body. i am in my body. i am home, i am safe, and i am whole.

your relationship with self should be the sweetest one; find ease, knowing, and love within yourself, and your cup will run over with more of the same everywhere you go.

empty spaces stay empty.

people, food, sleep, tv, internet, social media scrolling, podcasts, music, books, shopping, sex, alcohol, drugs...

any person, thing, or activity can be empty if it is not what’s in true alignment for you in a given moment. it doesn’t matter whether or not the object of your attention is toxic or unhealthy— escapism is still escape; it’s still distraction, diversion of your attention from some sort of truth you are avoiding or maybe even actively running from. i feel you, i feel you so much.

what are all the ways you are escaping yourself? how are you hiding from the quiet space that appears when you just *stop*? that place where you’re forced to sit with your truth, your thoughts, your fears, your insecurities, your unanswered questions, and all your other unresolved edges?

you already know that everything you ignore is still alive, manifesting in an array of shades in your life— no matter how far you push yourself down. so the question becomes:

would you rather be perpetually teetering, running after yourself cleaning up arbitrary messes as you juggle the storm of your life— or could you be open to greeting the storm within so your life might meet an ease and joy greater than you could ever imagine?

working true.

instead of working hard

work true.

what does working true look like for you?

how much space are you giving your voice, your truth, your heart, your inner fire?

how much weight does the sense in the seeming non-sense of your intuition and your body receive?

have you experienced the flow of when your work and your way of work is aligned with your truth? the truth? a truth?

you are welcome, you are here. now is now.

on surviving.

those who survive

are given grace

not by accident;

with survival

comes responsibility.

been on my mind heavy for something like a year now. still relevant. there are many meanings here.

one: we all still get to be here for a very specific reason. a purpose, which in some way includes service to humanity. do not squander your blessings, your gifts, and the responsibility that comes with.

you are a miracle.

every day you wake up

make the choice to believe

i am an abundant miracle.

all the body is and does. perfect harmony. every day. without a thought.

the miracle of the mind and everything it gives. the blessing of clear faculties. of mundane function.

the wonder of it all weaving together for us— body, mind, spirit— day in and day out. our containers are mighty and fragile, everything and nothing all at once.

the sagas of our minds, conditioning, and to do lists can become distractions from the profound daily gift of what we are;

you *are.* and therefore you are a magnificent, abundant miracle. you are the proof, the testimony, the question and the answer.

love you. <3

no one is coming to save you

how much power are you placing outside of yourself? how much are you deferring to another person, to some thing, or even to the universe instead of owning it yourself?

while i am so grateful for having grown my ability to feel and work with my intuition, energy, and the universe, i realized that i’ve largely worked with and considered them at the exclusion of my own agency (paradoxical, right?). can intuition, energy, and the universe be wielded with agency? of course. over the last few months, however, i saw that i’ve been too much in the flowy feminine (where intuition and feelings live) and lacking the initiative, action, and decision making of more masculine energy to really own myself and my life and live inside of it.

what’s tricky is that i’ve seen the magic that comes from being in real alignment and flow with the feminine; seeing how easily i could manifest when i’m just regular with my qigong practice got me spoiled and missing the big picture; in believing in the universe so hard, i somehow calculated a belief system that i could just sit around and not do shit— including my practices— and the universe would just come and get me when it was time and fix / do my life for me. i’ve been sitting here banking on being saved, y’all. i was pretty convinced.

i’ve waited a few years and through this distortion, i made myself lazy, complacent, avoidant, confused, and disempowered. it’s not that i’ve done nothing to progress my life in the direction i want over the last few years— i absolutely have done some things— but i have not nearly applied myself in the way that i could and should have been.

it’s significant to note that i’m not a fan of hustle or busyness as a lifestyle. it’s not for me. i did and still do believe that one can work smarter versus harder— and that a lot of the “smarter” part can be managed and led by the universe, energy, and intuition. that said, the human we each embody needs to take some responsibility for the physical and mental contributions required to initiate, progress, and complete things. these contributions must be intentional and consistent. a part of me always knew this but somehow thought i could do the absolute least and get away with it. i now know better.

interesting how we can use practices and belief systems that are otherwise meant to be healing and empowering to support our fears and challenging conditioning; how working with energy and the universe somehow insidiously became covers for my self-avoidance, feelings of inadequacy, fear of success / failure, and my lack of belief in my own capacity and potential. i needed someone or something else to do my life for me and let me hide under the covers and collect the rewards. hwhat?

so, this 2020, my greatness is in collecting my entire self and taking some responsibility. first starts with my holistic health— body, mind, spirit— because that is the place from which all else springs (probably more on this later). whatever this generally and comparatively unsexy initiative yields this year, is fine with me. anyone else been feeling outside cultural pressure to solve and achieve their entire life within in the confines of a single year that is 2020? i’m cool.

be tender with the spaces in between

be tender with the spaces in between

stop and

look at them

hold them

get to know them

be there for them;

they are a thing worth love.

to be real, my whole last few years have felt like a big ass in between; transitional. liminal. unclear. slow as entire fuck.

it’s required a ton of patience from me and endless reminders to not judge myself or the process. a lot of losing hope and then fighting to gain it back— often only sort of as time goes on and i become weary. relative neutrality or not feeling bad is usually a win i happily take.

with so much time passed, i realize there is nothing left but surrender (and also blowing up the paradigm of my life— more on that one day, once i’ve cracked that code). in this space i remember that *this* is my life; whatever i got right now is it— however it is. and it is blessed because i get to have it.

so then, how am i spending time with what i’ve got right now? am i going to keep just watching my life pass me by, mad and confused that my life and i are not doing what i want at any given moment— or am i going to choose to look at each in between moment and each in between feeling that i don’t fully understand right now with love?

if i can keep that glimmer of hope, i can remember that these in between moments are my journey, my messy parts— my opportunities for reflection, learning, and transformation; this is all part of a story i’ll tell one day. but i’ve got to have the presence, courage, grace, and faith to live it first.

opt out of the game

the matrix is real. meaning, much of what we experience is unreal. how do we contend with this in a physical reality?

i have more to say about this, and a lot of things, really. but the timing of when i feel called to share is everything— and i don’t feel like breaking down my insights and inner workings very often. i know folks find it helpful and after i’ve written something out, i find it rewarding for myself as well. but what about my personal peace and honoring my flow— even when it’s inconvenient and prohibitive?

yet still, what about wanting all that while also wanting to be seen and to make a living from my ideas and expressions?

ego doesn’t trust the flow, i know that much. ego wants sense. ego wants instant gratification. ego wants proof. reason. promises. guarantees. ego gets uncomfortable and pissed and confused and insecure and questioning everything real fast.

this online realm— where our ideas and we ourselves seemingly cease to exist unless we publish them— creates a lot of tension, discord, and dissonance within me. sometimes i feel like the internet wants me sucked dry for all i have to give and i’ll just lie there lifeless getting stepped over while the world continues to spin on.

a very reasonable possibility, if i allow my ego to drive and don’t check my priorities.

some thoughts on balance, tending to my truth, and ultimately— opting out of the game, on all levels. <3

unconditional love is a mirrored room.

unconditional love is

a mirrored room;

reflecting outward

only to

reveal inward

a remembrance of self.

in fully, wholeheartedly loving others without condition or pretense, everything begins to collapse into itself and just is. there is an opening, and in it is a reflection back to the beholder of their true nature and essential self; there is no self, there is just one.

i woke up today.

if nothing else, this we have. each day is an opportunity:

to blow the whole shit up and start over

to forgive— yourself and others

to go another way

to tell them, “i appreciate you”

to apologize and promise to do better

to take that risk

to give yourself some credit

to say what’s really on your heart

to make space for someone else

to get some perspective

to smile anyway (helps balance your nervous system, too)

to stand up for yourself

to take that break

to try something new

to stop wondering and start doing

to say something kind to a stranger

to let even one person in

to decide, “no more”

to give yourself all the permission

to let the world see your light

<3 // i know there’s more— what else y’all got?

rude ass people

i’ve been trying a thing. when i come across stank people in real life, i take pause after my initial feeling of offense. i create space for the possibility that they may be going through something or that the only way they know how to cope with their trauma is by being an ass.

doesn’t make it “right” but it’s also their very real reality + ultimately has nothing to do with me. their choices are their own business. their capacity might be less than mine, so i also count my blessings. i try to have compassion instead of taking it personally. within reason, i think it’s better for all involved.

a messenger on the c train

universal confirmation. today it came through my brief but profound encounter with tamara and trinity on the c train.

our connection occurred in immediate, rapid, and seamless succession. the entire interaction was probably no more than a few minutes.

upon walking in, tamara sat right next to me on the fairly empty train and tiny trinity swung around on her mother’s lap in glee. i wasn’t looking at them as they walked in, but i felt their energy pulling me to turn my head.

i looked up and over— trinity’s face was looking up. she was so joyous. “you’re excited, aren’t you?!” she smiled and wiggled around a bit more. 

tamara then fully flung us into the vortex we’d collectively activated; she began talking as if she were reciting something just for me.

‘telepathy? i believe we [humans] were originally telepathic but were socialized out of it for economic gain.’

she’d seen the google search results for “telepathy” on my phone; up until that point, i was fully engrossed in deciding whether or not to post the above graphic. as part of this process, i’d looked up the dictionary definition of telepathy to decide if i should post the graphic with or without explanation. would people be able to connect with such an “out there” declaration? and per my last post, would they get it? did *i* even get it? similar to my poem-quote thingies, the phrases for my word illustrations come largely from spontaneous, intuitive downloads.

i then flipped my phone screen to the graphic: “telepathy is natural.” the words encompassed the exact sentiment she’d almost compulsively given me a mini speech on. i told her the universe had clearly sent her to me as confirmation.

she began asking me about myself and i wanted to know more about her. my stop came within seconds. though i wanted to skip my stop and talk more, i made the split second decision that it was more “appropriate” to carry on with my intended route. i left with great hesitation, lingering outside the door as i waved goodbye.

“post it!” tamara yelled out, smiling.

some people who cross our paths are meant more as messengers. fitting that the sweet fleeting moments we share are a beauty their own.

<3

the fall and the catch

there was a time when it was quite common for phrases or insights to pop into my head without fully knowing what they meant— some form of channeling, one might say. the first time this poem/quote entered my mind and probably when i shared it, i had a certain fleeting felt sense of what it meant but it still wasn’t something i could firmly grasp.

i went on a qigong retreat near vancouver a few years ago, and the women who i was paired to carpool with said she’d browsed my site and really liked my poetry; she referenced a couple favorites and this was one of them. i remember feeling a little uneasy because i didn’t know how i felt about this poem at that point— in fact, i’d forgotten the subtle body knowing of whatever its meaning was and just had no idea what it meant or why i wrote it. i awkwardly thanked her, feeling hella embarrassed and like a fraud inside.

and then i carried on with my life because whatever. eventually, i remembered that the things that come through me are sometimes not fully baked in my intellect because: 1) they don’t have to be and just because my mind doesn’t hold a given  wisdom doesn’t mean it’s not integrated somewhere else in my being 2) they present an opportunity for me to grow into a given learning 3) they might not be for me and instead for someone else.

anyhoo, somewhere along the way this year, the meaning for this poem clicked back into place in my body somewhere. and it also happens to be that i currently once again need this wisdom in my life. it is this:

when we perceive ourselves to be free falling or failing, it is in fact grace that the universe has offered our unknowing selves. in the fall is the opportunity to learn, to reset, to change perspectives, to let go, to start anew; at the same time that you are falling, you are being held. the falling, thus, is inherently in itself a holding. it is a passage through which you are being carried. regardless of how bumpy, haphazard, or non-linear this space is— it has a design and a meaning that is just for you.

may we all recognize oneness when we dissolve duality.

<3

not even a minute

you are allowed to slow down. if you find it hard to give yourself an empty minute for your mind to rest— hi, welcome to my life of late.

it’s been going on for months, if not the last couple years to a notably intense degree. i’ve known for equally long that a lot of it is because i’m afraid to face myself; the unresolved things going on deeper within me that with even minimal examination, would tell me that it’s time to break and transform a lot of long held habits, beliefs, and paradigms for myself. i haven’t felt ready and so i’ve allowed myself grace.

but there comes a time that the ‘giving yourself grace and space’ thing endures on a bit too long and becomes an avoidant, self-defeating story you’ve begun to tell yourself. you are playing yourself. how you not gonna be who you’re meant to be? who— under all that bullshit conditioning— is what you really are and always were? quit it, seher.

this “go go go” that doesn’t allow you the spaciousness of a single minute, actually comprises a lot of going nowhere; furiously searching the internet, your instagram feed, the analytical labyrinths of your mind, the drama inside of a netflix binge for hours and hours and hours and hours— because maybe there’s an answer to what you’re searching for there.

anywhere but the quiet space inside my body and intuition. because it knows the actual truth. and we don’t want that. that’s work.

so we feast on what’s unreal and then blame our empty stomachs on air.

the illusion of the possibility that we might have actually been able to hold it was so comforting that we welcome excitedly, again and again, the delusion of a productive time pass.

as i continue to stumble over myself a la the monopoly that the everything of nothingness has on my time, i savor that accidental minute when i’m given some pause. that space of time where i’m actually able to feel myself here.

in that sliver is a boundless well of joy, gratitude, and miraculous possibility.

may we all find the sweet quiet moments in ourselves and in our lives more often.

<3

holding duality for my birthday.

you can. i gotta keep telling myself.

yesterday, i turned 36 and took a stroll around the city as i have over my last few birthdays. people watching, practicing mindfulness, popping into shops, and eating some great food along the way. the simple things that allow presence and gratitude fill me up.

after a beautiful lunch honoring south asian women, i walked into the lush and wonderfully curated rizzoli bookstore. almost immediately, i became emotional; all the books were people’s stories and hearts all around me— all the labor, love, tenderness, pain, fervor, triumph, quirks and imperfections of all these human journeys. all these individual truths laid out to be witnessed.

it felt sacred. i found my fingertips grazing the covers, soaking in the simple profundity of this recognition and reality; wanting to intentionally sit and be with all that was in front of me.

one of the first titles i stopped to pick up was dark money by jane mayer— a book that had been recommended to me about a year ago when canvassing for the midterm elections. it’s about how a few billionaire families have been puppeteering american politics and what we should know + perhaps do about it. that shit heavy.

as i was putting that book down, a guy walked up and reached around me to drop back a book he had been browsing— homo deus by yuval noah harari, a renowned oxford educated historian. harari’s titles had also been recommend to me, one of which happens to be the top book reco of mark zuckerberg and bill gates. homo deus, which postulates on the future of humanity, is the second in a triology— first is sapiens, a history of humanity, and third is 21 lessons for the 21st century, a prescription for moving forward in light of the dystopia harari predicts and maps out in homo deus. based off the book jacket, let’s just say that the future feels awful bleak and inhuman.

i felt myself buzzing and lightheaded, hoping to take flight outside of my body somewhere— a place where i didn’t need to make sense of things.

i generally try to shield myself from consuming much at all about the state of the world because it quite literally makes it near impossible for me to function. i largely know what i need to know about what’s fucked up. i’d like to focus on the part where we heal it.

my disembodied frame is standing at a display table in the middle of the bookstore. who knows where we will end up. we might perish soon. i don’t know why, but i figure i should probably try to keep hope.

i compose myself the best i can and tell myself that though i’m falling out, the wisdom of this heralded historian is likely worth the strife to arm myself with the knowledge i need for the fight ahead. i make note to start reading sapiens soon.

i scoot over one or two display tables away. i see oprah’s new book, the path made clear. i remember hearing an audio preview of the book on her podcast and feeling like i could personally do without it. the cover looked corny. nonetheless, i cracked it open to ‘see what this thing was talking about.’

i realized that the book isn’t just about life in general, but it’s about identifying and living your purpose with wisdom, insights, and advice— a companion for the various hurdles along this path. these bits are pulled from oprah’s interviews with successful folks over the years. trying to clarify and figure out how to live my purpose has been the prime focus of my life for the last 3-5 years.

i thumbed through the chapters, doing an extremely cursory skim to get a better feel of what the book was trying to do, and perhaps benefit from an insightful quote or two. i started finding bits that hit and knew this book would be peppered with reminders i really need during this time in my life. i began tearing up. then i found a phrase that almost mirrored the title of a podcast i’ve been meditating on creating for about a year, and that i’ve begun to give more serious attention to in recent weeks.

i was now on the verge of melting into a puddle of tears in the middle of the bookstore. tears streamed down my face and as i sniffled, i felt the security walk away from near me to give me some privacy.

i was crying, first, at the divine orchestration that led me to open up the book despite my initial disinterest. second, and more searingly, i was crying at the contrast of hope and despair i’d experienced just moments apart.

to traverse this wide span of converse emotion in such a short timeframe had me shook; what a wild array of stuff life is.

i came to some conclusions.

i don’t know anything, but i know that a courageously open heart will always win. in light of a dystopian future that might or might not be out of our hands, i believe that love counts for something significant no matter what ultimately happens. it does lighten the load to believe that our bodies are just one piece of the universal puzzle of consciousness.

i am thankful for the reminder of the preciousness of life; to take each moment, each sensation that we are gifted to be able to perceive as a privilege and blessing.

i endeavor to be here, actually here, the best i can with whatever i am given; to allow myself space, freedom, and permission to just be in the world with no agenda, no plan, and no to do list— on a regular basis. to exist in gratitude and intention and fullness in every moment.

in fearing for the future of material existence, i somehow can’t help but be shaken into a piercingly clear recognition of how lucky i am to be here. i consciously receive this existence. thank you. i accept the privilege of honoring this body, this planet, and its inhabitants while i’ve got em <3