re-emergence anxiety

NOTE: this post is directly pulled from my 6/10/21 and 6/16/21 email newsletters with light edits. if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

re-emergence anxiety, part one.

we are on the cusp of a great post-vax re-emergence. and there are thoughts. many, many thoughts.

in a recent instagram survey i held, 74% of people reported initially feeling relief (vs. panic) when forced to slow down because of the pandemic. i think: we’ve been waiting to catch up to ourselves. and i believe this marks one reason why re-emergence feels so scary: we don’t want to give up our relative peace. and oh, how i relate.

i find myself experiencing two kinds of re-emergence right now— getting back on social media after experiencing the majority of this last post-pandemic year off it, and for the first time in a long time, considering some sort of existence that includes in person hangs and life (once i finish my vaccinations). to note, i’ve been extra strict about quarantining so i haven’t hung out with any friends. at all. aside from a few brief occasions where a friend came to literally *just* pick up or drop off something at my house, i haven’t even laid eyes on a friend in the flesh. what a world.

add to that that i’ve been unusually quiet and inward for most of the last year— on and offline.

for one, i haven’t really been working, which meant even less people and “regular life” exposure. many of you may not know this, but until pandemic, my main gig for ten years was as a photographer. the pandemic effectively laid me off from that work. and i got the message: to dive deeper into other work i’d been wanting to explore more for some years now.

and with that transition came the invitation for some deep healing and big life changes. to move forward healthfully and with integrity, i knew i would require lots of quiet and lots of space. i had to turn off the barrage of inputs and pause my reflexive habituations. and frankly, i’d been meaning to take a break from my often toxic and addictive relationship with social media for a minute. this whole multifaceted life overhaul? i am still very, very much in it. yep, even a year later. no overnight success stories over here.

so i went silent. even though i knew the implications that being MIA online could have on my social health and thus my mental health to a degree— especially during a pandemic. but the mental health impacts of staying on social were wearing on me more. above all, spaciousness and silence were what i needed most.

as expected, without the convenient reminders that i existed, people generally stopped checking for me— clients, acquaintances, friends. it was a weird and sometimes shitty feeling to feel absolutely irrelevant and near forgotten; did i matter if i wasn’t producing, wasn’t visible? it’s almost as if my existence itself had fallen victim to “pics or didn’t happen.”

in a way, i felt like because i stopped “happening” for the world and my community, i’d stopped existing for them. my sense of social invisibility seemed exacerbated tenfold by the fact that i chose to be offline during a time of physical isolation. and the isolation really, really got to me at times— especially in a world where our only connection had become the internet.

i know my decision would be unbearable for many to go through with. it sounds almost unfathomable to self-select becoming so isolated during the pandemic. but having overdone it with the “lone wolf” isolationist identity over the years, aloneness is not necessarily new for me. and yet still, that doesn’t mean i didn’t experience crippling loneliness at times. the kind that put me into some of my darkest periods. the kind where i marvel that i made it out.

even so, this aloneness was different than that which i’ve previously self-imposed due to mental health, friendship traumas, insecurities, dark nights of the soul, and social anxieties.

this was aloneness with true quiet. aloneness without mundane-yet-soul-crushing internet noise and largely junk food social media “connection.” an aloneness centered on and enriched by intentionality, carefully curated inner and outer space, mindful awareness, and fluid pace. in many ways, i didn’t want to let this ecosystem i’d created for myself go.

but then, you know: work. money. and the pockets of beautiful connection you do sometimes find on the internet.

i knew i was eventually going to come back. generally because i knew that social was the primary way most folks besides my closest friends were going to remember i existed. so while part of me enjoyed the simplicity of an anonymous life, another part of me wanted to be remembered. and though the idea of emerging from my cocoon overwhelmed me considerably, i wanted to be in mutual exchange. also, kind of depressingly, i recognized that by not keeping up with my closer friends on social, i was missing out on certain parts of their lives.

although a part of me wanted to take my perceived forgottenness personally, i recognize that in the age of the internet, we all “know” far too many people on and offline— more than our brains can actually hold; it’s unrealistic to keep track of everyone.

truth be told, for years i’ve made lists of my real-life friends and acquaintances to help me remember who i want to stay connected with most. and so when i inevitably got caught up in whatever flurry of life i’d created for myself, i don’t absentmindedly forget who matters to me (also because my memory seriously challenges me sometimes). i realize i’m extra, though, and that people are not out here making lists so they can remember me. i also understand that scientifically, people can hold only so many social contacts in their brains at a time. so, unfortunately, becoming some version of forgotten is a byproduct of the passively hyper-connected world we live in.

despite knowing this, the perceived erasure of my existence and relevance was still a bizarre phenomenon, and really made me think about the commodification of our humanity via the capitalistic constructs we are basically forced to exist in. i found myself often revisiting existential questions like these and these, with no real answers. i also thought a lot about the beauty of quietude, slowness, true presence— and how much we’ve become disconnected from these values as a culture. 

so the question begs itself: what is balance inside of the technological environments (read: cages) we inhabit? does it even exist?

in certain ways, choice feels starker— with more perceived trade-offs and a greater sense of impossibility and powerlessness; to do any one thing might mean certain significant losses in other areas:

to be on social and be addicted or to not be on social, feel more peace, and be forgotten?

to produce regular content and feel like you’re on a hamster wheel or to only follow you’re purest, often infrequent, creative impulses and be deemed irrelevant?

to be boundaryless, so not to lose out on available connection or to create tech boundaries only to be excluded, judged, and/or dismissed?

on a level, our desire for true connection is held captive by our own tech-degraded connection habits— mine, yours, theirs; it’s a vicious cycle that keeps most of us miserable to some degree. thankfully, our complicity also means that we have space to exercise some agency.

i think a big question for this time is: how do we recognize tech for the amazing tool it is while also taking an unflinching look at the ways it is essentially devolving and dehumanizing us?

from these acknowledgments, i believe, must arise a way and will to collectively commit to more intentional connection and gathering— 1:1, in small groups, in larger groups— on and offline.

even if we move inch by inch, small friend pod by small friend pod, community by community— we must radically commit to changing the collective agreements we’ve made in order to overcome the overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness we feel; we must invest in connection, in community, in exchange, in time, in energy, in intentionality. we must prioritize this and put in the work. lest we become forever beholden to the puppeteering of an increasingly sophisticated and rapturous autopilot system bolstered by our technological proclivities that are sure to strip us bare until we’ve become completely undone.

a mouthful. but for real.

also: now might be a good time to remind you to take what resonates and leave the rest. i haz strong tech feelings. in the words of the great monica: don’t take it personal. baby-baby-baby-baby-baby, don’t take it personal. 

anyhoo. such inquiry feels particularly salient as we land upon this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to rediscover connection and redefine what it means to be in relationship, in community, and in society;

might we be able to build something new for and with each other as we re-emerge? might we resolve to hold onto the slowness, intentionality, and mindfulness we may have deepened during this time? bring it into this new world as an offering, a gift, a portal? might we resist the urge to get swept back up? i very much hope so.

reflections like those from my friend allison give me faith that there are others out there who really hope so, too. i imagine many of you are those people.

but how will we do this when the typical breakneck speed of life will ruthlessly try to pull us right back into the dizzying fold that we know so well? again, we try. we really, really try. for those of us who want a different way, we will create it with unwavering focus and commitment to meaningful space and connection, loving mirroring in our relationships, and community accountability.

you down?

re-emergence anxiety, part two.

despite the challenges being offline posed for me, i am still so glad i did it. really, a good part of me wishes i could just stay offline. i gained so much in this time: way less time with my phone, less worrying about what other people were doing or thinking, less stressing about who i needed to be, less rushing, more finding my own peace and center, more walks, more meditation, more presence, more ease, more simple joys, and way more cultivation of self-compassion. in many ways, my time away was exhilarating and freeing— it gave me beautiful, brilliant S P A C E. it gave me back intentional choice.

a couple weeks into me being back on social, i suddenly began receiving work inquires, a few more texts than usual, and requests to catch up. but the way my pandemic walden period has fucked up my ability to keep up with communications?! yeah. i have never been shittier with email and text and calls and catching up with people in my life. 

while i am so grateful for the increased connection and opportunities, personally and professionally, i also became overwhelmed as fuck. how to reintegrate myriad functions and connections and tasks back into my life? how to manage all my “stuff” that came back up from being out in the (online) world again? i got so overwhelmed, so anxious, that my eye started twitching, my heart would race at times, and at one point i felt so much nervous/anxious tension that my body was on the verge of physically shaking. i could feel the shaking inside my body. it’s like i was about to erupt.

i’ve since calmed down notably-ish but still have my work cut out for me. the question for me now has become one of integration: what are the ways i can bridge my quiet world with my connected world? in a way that is uncompromising of my peace?

so, together with last week’s note, that’s the social media part. one part. one not-so-small part of this whole question on what it means for me— and for us— to re-emerge. then there’s the whole in person thing. that. how do we do that?

didn’t you know i was already socially awkward *before* the pandemic?

like, i might not know how to >>>talk<<< when i see you.

i might laugh at the wrong things.

i might start crying.

i might just stare for a really, really long time.

i might be even more intense and weird than i already was.

i might change what i want in the next five minutes. actually, right now. i've changed my mind right now.

i might just turn my ass around and go right back home.

but also, maybe: can i just hug you for an hour?

add to awkwardness that for many of us, our run-of-the-mill social fears and anxieties are on twelve:

• fear of getting hurt again

• fear of rejection

• fear of being judged

• fear of vulnerability

• fear of getting it wrong

• fear of being unworthy

• fear of being uninteresting

• fear of not truly being seen

• fear of abandonment

• fear of not being held as you are

• fear of codependency

• fear of betrayal

• fear of being misunderstood

• fear of discomfort

• fear of unpredictability and lack of control

• fear of things not working out or falling apart

• fear of not having the space and boundaries you’ll need

• fear of not knowing how and where you fit in anymore

it. is. a lot. but we are not alone. i’ll have you know that this list was effectively written by a few dozen actual humans— shout out to my instagram community! so if you feel any of that? they feel you, too. and so do i. being in this re-emergence together— honestly, meaningfully— that is also connectedness.

further respite: the way the pandemic has invited the queering of spaces— making them more fluid, intersectional, and blurred. think of restaurants spilling out into the streets, facetiming in your pajamas with new friends and coworkers alike (deemed “inappropriate intimacy” before), and more upfront candor on dating apps becoming normalized; we are mashing shit up, breaking norms, fucking up taboos. queered space allows us a novel freedom to explore more courageous intimacy and relational creativity. it will probably give us more space to be awkward and human, too.

another silver lining of this time comes in the form of increased perspective and gratitude for everything we took for granted before; we now get to bring that presence to all we’ve realized we appreciate and who we’ve realized we appreciate; turns out acquaintances, bodega guys, coworkers, and passing strangers mean more to us than we thought.

greater presence to the gift of simply being alive and the beauty of the mundane is pretty sweet, too; when other people or i myself felt unavailable, i tried better to immerse myself in the aliveness that surrounds me and emanates from within me at all times; i brushed through the low hanging leaves on trees and made friends with them. i laughed at baby lizards. marveled at the faint aromas of flowers in the evening. 

i already mentioned not seeing any friends. but i didn’t tell you that aside from my neighborhood walks, i also hadn’t been going out at all. so a few months ago when i had to go to the apple store to get my computer repaired, i decided to bask in more mundanity: to walk around the outdoor shopping area and get a coffee. i swear to you everything was basically in technicolor and like mary poppins. i was so glad to see life, to see people, to talk to someone, to have a treat outside of my house. i was floating.

came back home elated and ready to take on the world. because of the genius bar and some cold brew. y’all. some version of this joy can be life most days— when we are present and in gratitude. that’s what i’m trying to do, where i’m trying to be.

and that loneliness we’ve been feeling? it’s actually nothing new. we’ve just been feeling it worse and have had the time to pay attention. loneliness is a pre-covid epidemic (read: public health concern). and it has become an issue so great, that out of all health topics one could choose to write about, united states surgeon general dr. vivek murthy has dedicated an entire book to loneliness and the significance of meaningful social connection. for those unfamiliar or curious for more, i’ve included a podcast episode with dr. murthy in the “on my radar” section below. definitely a top recommendation of the week.

so the other week, i was like: “blergh, disconnection.” and out of frustration with our past and present social norms, took to instagram to ask folks how they felt about connection. turned out 81% of people who reported wanting more connection in their lives also felt afraid or anxious about connecting.

in another very professional survey i did, 66% of respondents said they felt freaked out about re-acclimatizing to some sort of “regular-ish” life in a post-vax world, while the remainder reported feeling excited. more than half of these same folks felt some mix of freaked out and excited. sounds about right. we want connection, we like connection, and at the same time: many of us have lots of feelings about connection.

my initial survey led me to begin fast-tracking a long held plan of mine to create community conversation experiences, evolving on models i’ve created and facilitated in the past. when i posed the idea on instagram, lots of folks expressed interest— and many of you are here in this newsletter community! in case you missed it last week: the sessions will launch in july and i will keep you posted about them in this space. for now, here’s a flashback to a bit more background on my inspiration behind the conversations.

an important thing i’ve learned is that loneliness does not stem from a lack in amount of connection but rather from a lack in meaningful connection; even if someone experiences lots of connection, loneliness persists if the connection doesn’t match the type and depth of connection they deep down desire. this kind of loneliness can be just as devastating as any other.

this is why learning to be in intentional relationship and community with one another, and learning to untether from our devices, will be crucial as we practice reconnection. as british journalist johann hari powerfully posits: ‘the opposite of addiction is connection.’ this includes our tech addictions. johann’s podcast conversation with tristan harris (of social dilemma fame) on this topic was incredibly illuminating and shone a guiding light for me. a highly suggested listen (further topical highlights of this talk under the “on my radar” section below).

as we explore what this time away from the familiar world has meant for us and will mean for us, priya parker recently offered some valuable contemplations on intentional connection and gathering on prentis hemphill’s podcast. on re-entry she shared, “doing this well means taking time to process, to make meaning, to mark, and then to choose the ways we want to enter and choose the ways we want to leave.”

my deep hope, i’ll say it again: that we’ll use our re-entry to build on what we’ve learned about our values during this time. that we’ll prioritize exploring more meaningful connection, more often. and that we will exist simultaneously more spaciously and more fully than before. when the opportunity arises, i hope you’ll join me— and each other.

in the meantime and always: may you be guided by the wisdom of your own pace.

just begin.

NOTE: this post is directly pulled from my 6/2/21 email newsletter without any edits. if you would like to receive my weekly note in your inbox along with additional sections and features not included here, you can join my email community.

it is 12.01am on wednesday june 2nd. this email goes out in six hours. but i am still beginning. kicking and screaming inside— i am beginning.

and it’s a biggie; i wanted to make this first one juicy for y’all.

sidebar: i don’t know if longread vibes will continue to be a theme here, but just in case, maybe psychologically prime yourselves for this newsletter to read more like one of your favorite substacks :). if that ends up not being your vibe, you can always scroll to the end for the other sections (which i'll preview a bit more next week).

so much turmoil over an email newsletter. over the type of thing i’ve written for instagram on my toilet, on the subway, absentmindedly walking a city street, bleary eyed in the dead of night.

to unpack this matters. because fear has become so ritualized for so many of us that it has become mundane. and then forgotten. really good, really elaborate, exceptionally subtle stories borne of this fear have become our way— our beginning and our end.

this is how too many of us deny our gifts and what otherwise naturally flows through us.

i’m a virgo sun, virgo mercury. while i don’t put my whole world into astrology, i do believe it holds profound wisdom. in many ways, i’m very much a virgo and in other ways, i’m totally not; that’s when discovering you have a whole ass eerily accurate astrological chart and not just one sun sign blows your mind and you begin to pay more attention.

one trait commonly ascribed to virgos is that of a highly detail oriented perfectionist. add to that a scorpio moon and we getting into obsessive tendencies (it me). lethal combo. perfectionism ruled me for much of my life, but with time, i learned to let go— learned to leave things better done than perfect, learned to not agonize so much. i really thought i’d left my most limiting perfectionist tendencies behind— until recently.

i realized that what really happened was that my perfectionism just morphed into something much more subtle and sneaky; how subconsciously trying to be perfect keeps me from ever doing certain things at all— out of fear of getting it wrong, fear of not being good enough. looking stupid, being rejected. fear of having tried and wasted my time because i was going to be a failure anyway.

that inner critic, let me tell you. girl is a lot.

the thing that helped me catch my lingering perfectionist tendencies? recently learning what underlies the perfectionism behind many people’s procrastination habits. it’s the fear of being unlovable if we’re not perfect. of believing that our worth and others’ perceptions of us are so fragile, that the slightest hint of being human will damn us irreparably. the solution: do nothing and sit very, very still.

fuck. that hit.

a micro-adjustment to my awareness brought game changing insight. i never cease to be amazed by this phenomenon.

i decided to apply my new understanding to my inner battle with getting this newsletter off the ground. here is where we get very meta— in characteristic seher fashion.

for a long time, i really didn’t want to do an email newsletter. i was repelled by it as being awkward self-promo. but as the transience of social media degraded my sense of true connection and wellbeing over time, i started looking at email as a more meaningful way of connecting and sharing value inside community. i started to get excited and vision my newsletter as a vehicle for encapsulating things on my mind and heart week to week— what’s moving me, what i’ve found helpful, what i’ve learned, what i just wish i could tell everyone about.

and then, as i often do, the idea got bigger and bigger and bigger. i crafted a whole entire magazine, y’all. it had like thirteen sections. and everything had to be in right order (code for perfect) before i could launch. but there was a pandemic, life was doing a lot of life-ing, and i was tired. and now— overwhelmed.

the overthinking, the neuroses, the raging inner-critic— combined with a still persistent-enough need for approval and fear of rejection— keeps me from beginning a lot of things and also from sticking with things; i’ll give up if there isn’t external validation soon enough— “see, i knew i didn’t matter anyway, i knew whatever i had to offer was useless.”

yeah. we’ll talk about self-love and my inner critic another day...

before i started my first venture, i was ranting to a friend about how i couldn’t buy a domain or get business cards until i had the right name. and because i didn’t have the most perfect, most soul-stirring, most striking, most resonant business name yet— i couldn’t start my business. and then i told him about a placeholder name i had that i didn’t really want to use.

my friend stopped dead in his tracks and told me that i needed to get over myself and use that name. get a domain and get some business cards— i could change the name later. getting started, even imperfectly, was my wisest move in that moment.

i kept that business name for eight years. that business moved me from the bay area to brooklyn and spurred a decade-long photography career.

like this friend, some other friends (shout out to maya, allison, ryan!) recently help me cut through my newsletter melodrama and told me to chill with the fall fashion issue energy. “start small and build from there,” they said. just start.

after stalling just another two, three months for good measure, i made it here to your inbox. and i’m not ashamed. in the larger context, i’m proud of myself.

prior to that intervention, my procrastination loop of fear, anxiety, overwhelm, and insecurity turned days to weeks to months— and then to a whole year. granted, i’ve also been navigating some huge personal shifts this year and conscientiously decided to effectively pause my life in the search for some peace and clarity. to be real, i was hoping for a lot more peace and clarity than i’ve come away with so far, but i’m still grateful for what i got. i’m reminded, for the billionth time, that we must continue our journeys even as we tend to our ever-present loose threads; too much isolation and contemplation becomes circular— even dangerous.

so i decided that today (actually yesterday, now) was the day. as an accountability exercise— motivation vis a vis the avoidance of shame, really— i published on all my social platforms that the newsletter was going to go out this morning. “strapping myself to my desk! pray for me.”

yeah, ok, girl.

i went out for a coffee, got a snack, listened to a podcast with brené brown and sonya renee taylor in my car, canceled a study group because “i had deadlines,” handled the other deadline, did some other work with no clear deadline, meditated (even though these days i’ve been putting it off until bedtime), and ate a leisurely dinner.

i mean… seher? seher.

right. so, the day passed, as i anticipated it would. but i’d told myself: even if i don’t sleep— this thing is happening. do or die.

it’s now 2.15am. i have a chinese energy medicine class in just under seven hours. i normally honor ample sleep time as sacred (and actually really, really need it). but today: we out here.

so that meditation earlier? i cried.

i’d unearthed the mountain of undue pressure and expectation i’d been piling on myself. with this newsletter, absolutely— but i also knew that this orientation is part of my way with myself.

self-imposed pressures and expectations— that’s where we really get into the meat of the perfectionism-procrastination dance i’ve been doing with this space.

the thing about a newsletter is that it’s kind of like decorating your apartment. it’s a curated a statement about what you’re about, what you’re into, certain value you have to offer. it’s part of the reason i take so long to furnish and decorate any new home and why people perennially think i’ve just moved in (i’m also somewhat of a minimalist). it’s also why i became so overcome by the pressure to have an epically meaningful business name. sometimes if i can’t present in the exact intentional way i mean to, i don’t present at all; i just opt out of existing in that realm altogether. working on it.

but also, a newsletter just feels more intimate and vulnerable than social media— somehow i feel more naked? maybe it’s because an email is more permanent; i can delete an instagram post, but what lands in your inbox, you have forever.

an email address is our internet phone number. it’s personal. i don’t take it lightly.

i am honored by each and every person who signed up to join me in this community. simultaneously, i’ve been confused; the part of me that can’t acknowledge my unique value is like, “why would people want to hear from me in a space as precious as their inbox? they must think i can give them something that i can’t.”

all these people i don’t want to disappoint. who i don’t want to look like a fool in front of.

there’s a relative who i was estranged from for years until recently. they’re on here. and though i’m the one who invited them to this space, i’m still scared.

there was my brother who i invited and then uninvited. simple anticipation of the fact that sometimes family got too many opinions.

there are colleagues and dear friends and people i know and admire here.

much of my instagram community— who i’m awed want to hear more from me— is on here. i don’t want to let y’all down. i don’t want to bore you.

and then there are the random people with nondescript email addresses like becky63829251@hotmail.com. are you a bot, becky? or did you find my random viral blog post about calling the new york unemployment hotline and fill out my email pop-up thinking i was gonna have more hot tips on how to get this money?

but seriously. not having any idea at all who you’re writing to is a special kind of nerve-wracking.

finally, there are those of you who have been on this list for months or even a year-plus. and with the time passed, my internal pressure to be profound, to be significant, compounded. will the wait be worth it?

i half feel like my newsletter needs to be a vegas show or something; that the only way you’ll stay is if i give you something breathtaking— some magical fantastical value beyond anything i’ve offered before.

and, yet still. here we are. here i am.

i am significant if only for the reason that i exist. and what a reason.

and my words and shares are valuable to you because *you* decided. who am i to question that? who am i to get in the way of that? i relent.

sometimes you must defy yourself to become more yourself.

best practices for getting through to the new york state department of labor phone line from a person who successfully connected with an agent (me)

more ui + pua updates, tips, & resources below original post (updated: 4/26/20)

this post has now evolved beyond just resources for calling the department of labor (dol). when you scroll below the original post, you will get lots more detail on the following + more:

• PUA applicants are starting to move out of pending & have their claims approved

• many pending PUA applicants saw a mystery $600 from DOL in their bank around 4/24/20

• a single streamlined application for new PUA applicants who have not yet filled out a pua form

• a helpful auto-redial app called infinity call for android users

• a free service that will help expedite new ui apps & have a bot auto-redial for you

• the new unemployment insurance (ui) application; it is at a different link than the old app

• tips and resources for getting started with your ui and pua applications

• information about the new department of labor call-back system

• facebook groups with lots of evolving resources for unemployment issues

• notes on utilizing the dol’s online messaging system for select issues

• notes & tips from my pandemic unemployment assistance (pua) application experience so far

• highlights on what the grapevine is saying about the pua application approval process

• ui + pua notes for uber and lyft drivers

• additional calling and application tips from my community

original post on calling dol (published: 4/8/20)

this is not a pretty, fancy, perfect post. it is meant to be purely functional and hopefully offer helpful information through the lens of my unemployment benefits journey thus far. i know posting this is a bit unceremonious and abrupt with me not having shared much along this ride, but i hope you know i’m doing what i can and try to be in service in little spurts where i’m able. this is that. i hope you are taking care and i am here with you. i’m rooting for us.

• (updated: 4/10/20) if you’ve lost or are losing your phone service, try google voice. there are a few different ways to use the service, the main way requires an existing phone number to sign up (there are decent hacks around that if you google it).

  • an easier way might be to log into your gmail account and click the telephone icon on the bottom of the left navigation bar (hopefully that shows up for you). then click the “make a call” link that pops up in the box. hopefully that’ll give you a dial pad and toll free numbers are free to call anyway (domestic numbers seem to be free to call, too). for calling numbers outside of the united states, you might need to add credits to your google voice account— rates are quite cheap.

  • i just tested the phone icon gmail method to call my california mobile phone number with $0 in credits and it worked! it did prompt me to sign into google hangouts before the “make a call” dialog popped up— so maybe make sure you’re signed up for that service (it’s free).

• some people who successfully fill out the traditional UI application online are prompted to call the DOL at 1-888-209-8124 in order to complete their application. this line is jammed up hardcore. the phone line also unfortunately happens to be the only place non-english speakers can file for UI. if you are trying to get through to this phone line for some reason, read on.

• the DOL number to complete your claim is 1-888-209-8124, save that number in your phone as a contact. when i kept redialing, my phone ended up looking like the image below. then, i could just hit anywhere on the screen to redial— it saved me time from having to tap precisely and it saved my neck from constantly having to look down.

• i called hundreds or probably 1000+ times across 2-hour evening blocks on tuesday and wednesday.

• i’m quite positive the hours for the phone line are monday through friday, 8am-7.30pm and saturday + sunday, 7.30am-8pm. the publication, eater, confirmed this info on 4/10/20, here.

• i think most people do not realize these extended hours are available as information is inconsistent. i’m guessing that because of this, i got a higher connection rate post 5pm and connected to the “welcome” recording several times right up until 7.30pm on tuesday. so i’d say 5pm-7.30pm is a good time to call on weekdays. i didn’t try weekends, but i imagine early morning and from 5-8pm is also a good look there. my successful call was at 5.32pm on wednesday, april 8.

• if you do connect, there are a few recordings i’ve heard: one starts with “you have reached…” with an older male voice, another starts with “we’re sorry…,” and the one you want starts with “welcome…” with a younger male voice. hang up the minute you hear the first word or two of the wrong recording and redial.

• sometimes the phone will jam up and you won’t even get a busy signal— it’ll be silent. or you’ll hear static, oceany sounds, or rumbling like someone is fiddling to pick up the phone. i’ve found all of those to just be weird technical errors. if you’re hearing silence or weird sounds, hang up and redial. otherwise, you’re burning time waiting for the system to finish tripping up.

• once you connect to the “welcome” recording, you can hit “1” right away if you speak english or “2” for spanish. i did my best to try to identify the initial prompts for other languages, i could be wrong: “3” for albanian / “4” for russian / “5 or 6” for cantonese or mandarin (couldn’t tell which was which) / “7” korean / “8” for polish, bengali, arabic, french, italian, hindi, vietnamese, urdu, nepali, tagalog / “9” for all other languages.

• the only prompt you have to wait a while to hit is the second one, “2.” dude talks for like 15-30 seconds during which time i looked at social media or texts. when he starts asking about whether you’re looking for an ‘extension on existing benefits,’ that’s when you can hit “2” amidst him talking. the moment you hear the next voice, you can hit “9.” the moment you hear the voice after that, you can hit “5” (thank you, tom kubik, for this note on fast tracking with “5” to talk with an agent, instead of the “2” to complete your application)

• to sum up this segment, the prompts most of us will want to hit are: 1, 2, 9, 5. this is meant to get you routed to a human representative you can speak with.

• at the end of the 1 2 9 5 sequence, there will be a recording about ny being ‘equal opportunity’ etc. when the recording starts talking about ‘needing some info from you,’ you can enter your social security number. sometimes when i did this part too early, it’d jam up. to be safer, you can wait until it begins saying ‘please enter…’ once you’ve entered your social and dude starts repeating it back to you, hit “1” to confirm. after that, you will be prompted for your DOL pin number. after entering your pin, you will be routed to be put on hold.

• i got to this “holding” point dozens of times and except for the the one time i got through, i always immediately got a message that said the ‘lines were too busy’ and got hung up on. today, it  bypassed the “lines too busy” message and i just got disconnected after being told i’d be put on hold. if you make it through all the prompts and are told at any point that you'll be put on hold, wait it out carefully to see what happens. if you make it to the holding point, do not hang up until the system hangs up on you.

• when i actually got a real hold, everything sounded the same and i was bracing to be disconnected like before. when the hold was for real, the following new things happened in lieu of me getting disconnected: i was told my wait time (surprisingly 4-9 minutes), got hold music, and some intermittent messages that were like, ‘we apologize for the delay / inconvenience.’

• more tips on process: use headphones or automatically route your calls to speakerphone so you have one less button to press when constantly redialing. it’s just a quicker, smoother process on speakerphone. if you have an iphone, go to settings > accessibility > touch > call audio routing (scroll to the bottom & select “speaker”). now, all incoming and outgoing calls will automatically happen via speaker. you’re at home all day, so no worries here!

• if you’re going to be walking around your house getting some movement in while you call, and if you’re planning to call for at least a couple hours in a stretch, connect your phone to a charging pack and put the pack in your pocket. make sure the drawstrings of your sweats are secured nice and tight to accommodate the extra weight :)

• i looked into auto-redial apps in the apple store and they all look suspect. one thing i did not take time to do was look into desktop software for telemarketers and sales agents. such software might have some auto-redial feature built in so you can actually do other shit while trying to reach DOL. i have nothing to offer here beyond the idea, but you can research it if you want! ‘sales prospecting’ and ‘lead generation’ software might be some additional useful search terms.

tips from my online community on calling dol (updated: 4/8/20)

• via john ward: “fun fact when you get to the equal opportunity part press ## and it will skip to asking you to input your social”

• via mark kauzlarich: “If you do get to hold (and like me your hold time was estimated at 80+ minutes) all audio WILL cut out occasionally for 20-30 seconds. I thought maybe someone was on the line, so I said "hello" a few times and nothing happened, then it came back with an apology for the delay and would continue for 20 minutes or so before dead air again. Eventually I did get through.”

an auto-redial app for android users in the google app store (published: 4/18/20)

i came across a post (that i can no longer find) about someone successfully using an android app to auto-redial. the person seemed to have tried other auto-redial apps for android and said an app with “infinity” in the name was the best one in his experience. he used it to connect with dol fairly quickly. a google search is telling me that he was likely talking about the app infinity call. this app also was reported to have quite a few helpful customization settings— i.e. at which cadence to redial, how many redial attempts, etc.

an auto-redial app will keep making the call on your behalf and then notify you in some fashion once the call has successfully connected.

tips on calling dol from nys unemployment issues facebook group (updated: 4/8/20)

• some people are finding success with calling governor cuomo’s office. after speaking with an aide, some folks are then transferred to a hold queue on the dol phone line. the wait on cuomo’s phone line and dol hold queue can both be long and i’ve heard of folks getting hung up on even then. others are being told by aides that they will receive a call back from someone at dol. so, choose your own adventure. cuomo’s #s: 212-681-4580, 518-474-8390. internet says office hours are monday through friday, 9am-5pm.

• some people are finding similar success calling their local assembly person. info to find that person for you in the “units” section mentioned earlier. here, they may route you to the hold queue or have someone call you back in a few days. i heard one account about an aide collecting relevant ui application information over the phone or email and sharing it with a dol employee to follow up.

• along these lines, i’d also consider calling your new york state senator. your united states senator and representative may also have some pull but possibly less so as this is a state issue.

• some folks have also listed numbers for other departments that will sometimes transfer you to the hold queue. mixed results, looks like. search the group for these.

• some folks are being met with various errors on the phone line and being kicked off amidst the phone tree (dialing the different # prompts). this group shares an array of experiences— perhaps you will find some helpful troubleshooting here if you have a unique situation.

ui online application upgrade + getting started with applying (updated: 4/11/20)

a new streamlined online unemployment insurance application went up on 4/10/20 (created in partnership with google). this new application will hopefully reduce the need to call the dol to complete your application; folks who would have previously had to call to complete their application will be put into a call-back queue to receive a call from dol instead. also, the number of dol call center agents has been increased.

• new ui applicants only, access the new ui application, here.

• for the moment— because developments are new + unclear and you don’t want your shit getting mixed up in the system or to be penalized— i would advise against filling out a form on the new ui application link if you already filled out a ui application on the original system.

• self-employed homies! you will first need to fill out the traditional UI (unemployment insurance) form and get denied before you can fill out the PUA (pandemic unemployment assistance) form. PUA is the thing that’s basically unemployment for freelancers/gig workers/self-employed and other folks who wouldn’t normally be eligible for UI. the process and rules for PUA are still unfolding in real time, so this is what is known so far.

• a flowchart from DOL breaking down the CARES act and where you might fit into the equation, here.

• if you believe you are in a category that doesn’t traditionally qualify for UI, see if you qualify for PUA, here.

• the guide for filling out the traditional UI form if you are self-employed, here.

• unemployment insurance FAQs, including info for traditionally employed and self-employed folks, here. a few major callouts from this FAQ:

  • pandemic unemployment assistance (pua) is a special unemployment benefit people are getting right now. it’s effectively unemployment insurance for gig workers, freelancers, self-employed, and others who do not traditionally qualify for ui.

  • everyone who is approved for ui or pua will also receive federal pandemic unemployment compensation (fpuc or puc), which is the extra $600 a week for claim periods 4/5/20 through 7/31/20.

  • everyone who is approved for ui or pua will receive an additional 13 weeks of ui or pua benefits beyond the standard 26 weeks, for a total of 39 weeks of benefits. this is called pandemic emergency unemployment compensation (peuc).

  • the fpuc weekly $600 is only for the april through july period (unless it gets extended by congress). during that time, you’ll get your regular ui/pua benefit + $600 weekly. for the remainder of the 39 week period, you’ll only receive regular ui/pua benefits.

free service to help expedite ui applications + auto-redialer (published: 4/18/20)

today.com details a free service by the developers of the donotpay app that helps speed up processing your ui application. i only skimmed the article, but it appears that this service might only be for people filing new ui applications— i.e. if you have not submitted your ui application yet. you’re welcome to fiddle with the system if you want to experiment, but i highly advise against resubmitting your ui or pua applications as it is very likely to cause confusion and further delay your application processing.

should the ui application you filled via this service require a phone call to be completed, the service will have a bot auto-redial the relevant number for you until it connects. i am not sure whether or not the auto-redialer is available to people who have already filled ui applications.

it also appears that this service is available for folks in all 50 states. begin your ui application with the free expediting service, here. thanks, boyuan, for this lead!

new dol call-back system for ui applicants with “incomplete” applications (updated: 4/13/20)

according to dol's twitter, both new ui applicants who need to connect with an agent to complete their application and existing ui applicants who were told to call to complete their application will be called by a dol agent within 72 hours. presumably, within 72 hours from 4/9/20 if you’ve already filled a ui application or within 72 hours from filling a new ui application.

• no idea what that will look like in practice with 200,000 backlogged UI applications presumably needing a phone convo to be completed as of 4/10/20.

• definitely make sure that your phone number is listed in your online account. if your phone number isn’t in there, you will not be getting a call-back for anything and you need to continue calling the old fashioned way.

  • to make sure your phone number is listed for your account, go to your “my online services” account page on dol’s site, click on your name on the green top bar, then click on “account profile”

  • if there is an option to add/update your phone number, do that

  • some people, like me, are only seeing the option to update our email addresses. in this case, no one is calling you and you'll need to continue to call dol yourself.

• i have heard of stories of scammers trying to pretend they are the dol calling you. be careful.

• hearing of folks receiving calls on the weekend and at 12am + 1am est

• while most folks appear to be getting call backs within the 72 hour window, some are not

• more call-back updates from the dol twitter:

  • “Before you receive a call from a NYS DOL rep, you may receive an automated call from our system. This is to make claimants aware that we are doing call-backs and to expect a call within the next 72 hours.”

  • “If you miss the call from our reps, we will call back. Like many NYers, DOL representatives are working from home, so your caller ID may show ‘PRIVATE CALLER’”

  • “ANYONE calling from @NYSLabor will verify their identity by providing: (a) the date you filed your Unemployment Insurance application; and (b) the type of claim you filed.”

utilizing the dol online messaging system (updated: 4/10/20)

an alternative to calling that some folks have found success with is using messaging in your “my online services” account.

• click on “go to my inbox” button inside the “messages” rectangular box on the top left side

• then click the “compose new” button with the little envelope icon

• when composing your message, make sure to use a succinct and descriptive subject line

• messaging will unlikely be useful if you are trying to complete your ui application

• messaging may be helpful for checking status of your completed application, submitting documents, and other things

• worth experimenting with if you’re at your wits end and want to try something else

• resend your messages regularly if you don’t get a reply— some people later got responses this way

facebook resource groups (updated: 4/18/20)

the navigating the cares act facebook group is a very organized and well moderated space i joined on 4/10/20. this group is targeted towards pua applicants— i.e. freelancers, gig workers, independent contractors, self-employed folk (a lot of these things can be synonymous/overlapping), and others who would not typically qualify for traditional unemployment insurance (ui). the moderators have created a great directory under the “files” section that includes official documentation you can sift through. they are also amidst publishing a master update with all they currently know about the pua application and approval process— that series is titled “WWKN” (for “what we know now”) if you want to run a search in the group. these posts will hopefully all be pinned and included in the “announcements” section, too. while this group has a majority of new york based members, they welcome and hope to support people from all states. this group currently has about 3000 members.

the nys unemployment issues facebook group has a nice community vibe but can be kinda overwhelming and chaotic now having 30,000 members and constantly growing. i joined around april 8 or 9. if you have the patience to wade through a zillion posts and very long comment threads, have at it. be discerning about possible misinformation. i do still poke around. the group includes traditionally employed (w2) and self-employed (w9 / 1099 / sometimes w2) folks. there’s also a helpful learning section called “units” with detailed info and step-by-step guides about UI, PUA, and related topics.

seher’s pua application notes & tips (updated: 4/23/20)

i successfully submitted my pua application online on 4/9/20. it’s unclear what’s next in terms of official approval and receiving money in the bank. will try to add any major callouts here.

• there is now a single streamlined pua application according to dol’s recent tweet on 4/21/20

  • yes, this is the same link as the new ui application created in partnership with google that went up on 4/10/20

  • opening screen(s) will determine if you are eligible for ui or pua and from there offer you application questions for the appropriate program

  • do not attempt this application link if you already filled out the old pua form

• accessing the pandemic unemployment assistance (pua) application (4/23/20 update: this is now the “old way”)

  • the pua application will only be accessible once you’ve applied for regular unemployment insurance (ui) and been denied

  • go to “my online services” on the dol website and login with your ny.gov id

  • click the “my online forms” button on the rectangular box on the right side

  • the next page may take a moment to fully load, but there will be a left navigation list of links, including a link to the pua application

• i have a macbook pro and received a web error when trying to access the application via safari. chrome worked well for me.

• the confirmation page for my completed application included a note that said i was “eligible.” it did not tell me how i’ll know i’m officially approved.

  • a certification form for week ending 4/5/20 showed up in the “unemployment insurance” section (“unemployment services” button) on 4/10/20. regardless of my current “pending” status, i will continue certifying/claiming here every sunday for the prior week— presuming everything will ultimately pan out and i’ll receive all my accumulated benefits one day.

• there’s a question on the form about whether you’re able to telecommute. make sure to select “no,” otherwise the system will assume you have work that allows you to work from home/telecommute and you will be deemed ineligible.

  • theoretically, self-employed folks could pick up a new skill, pivot to a different industry, and telecommute if some imaginary new client asked them to— theoretically, you could maybe telecommute, yeah. but these questions are not built with the nuance of our circumstances in mind. are you telecommuting now? probably not. otherwise you wouldn’t be filing for unemployment.

• regarding reporting of self-employment income to determine your benefit amount:

  • the form asks: “what was your net income for the most recently filed tax year?”

  • the form states that this information can be found on line 31 of schedule c on your 1040 tax form. i have not filed for 2019 yet, so i used my 2018 tax info.

  • important: only use the figure from line 31 on schedule c! i almost gave them my adjusted gross income from a different part of my tax forms— and it was a smaller dollar amount than my net income.

  • use a ui calculator to estimate your benefit amount— divide your net income by 4 and enter that amount into the quarterly buckets on this tool

• regarding required documents as proof of income:

  • the application does not specify types of documents required but schedule c on your most recently completed 1040 tax form sounds like the best bet. if in doubt, upload your entire 1040 tax form. and to be safe, you can also upload your 1099s for that same year.

  • i uploaded a pdf of my 2018 completed tax forms certified by my accountant (including 1040 and schedule c) and i uploaded a single pdf including scans of all my 1099s received in 2018.

  • basically, dol wants to know your income for the most recent year when you filed taxes— aka something that has already been officially documented by the government.

• i was not told my estimated benefit amount up front but should know it once i am approved

• “view payment history” is an option that will hopefully show up for you under the “unemployment services” button (in the “unemployment insurance” box) on your “my online services” account some time after you’ve successfully completed an “eligible” PUA application. the option showed up for me a few hours later.

  • “view payment history” is the place where you can check to see if your claim is processing or has been approved. basically, it’ll list your upcoming payments and their status.

  • a lot of folks, including myself are seeing a $0 figure here if their application is “pending.” seems as though the reasons for this status can mean various things. i will say that many/most PUA applicants seem to have been in this $0 pending situation for weeks.

  • see below updates re: movement on pua application approvals— folks are beginning to move out of pending status!

pua updates from facebook groups (updated: 4/26/20)

use these notes at your own discretion as info is constantly changing and most reps don’t know much— sometimes they know less than folks like us do. below is my summary of highlights pulled from the groups:

• around 4/24/20, many pending PUA applicants saw a mystery $600 deposit in their bank accounts from “NYS DOL UI DD”

  • i personally received this $600 deposit but am still pending in “view payment history” with everything at $0

  • it is unknown, even to DOL reps, what these funds are attributed to

  • it is entirely unclear what this money is connected to, given these recipients still show pending status on their PUA applications and $600 does not match the payable amount that would have accrued for many applicants by now

  • there is some speculation that this is a partial payment of unemployment benefits (perhaps one of the $600 weekly bonus payments we’re due to receive for april through july via FPUC/PUC), which could suggest that these applicants will be soon approved

  • will post more when i know something more concrete

• a few 1099 self-employed folks are starting to see their “view payment history” (accessed via the “unemployment services” button) screens change out of pending status and now show dollar amounts

  • some of these people are also later seeing a payment schedule table appear

  • there are reports of at least a few people who saw payment schedules appear seeing funds in their bank accounts as of 4/24/20

  • most of these people appear to be folks who submitted pua applications on 4/5/20

  • this all shows that pua applications are being processed, perhaps in the order submitted (but not for certain)

  • according to these folks, your net income (line 13 on schedule c of your 1040 tax form) appears to be the figure that determines your pua benefit amount (use a ui calculator to estimate this— divide your net income by 4 and enter that amount into the quarterly buckets on this tool)

• seeing “pending” on your “view payment history” page most likely means that your application has not been reviewed yet

• dol agents have been saying that pua applications will take 3-4 weeks from submission to be processed; i might have also seen a note about 6 weeks, but my memory is fuzzy. no official timeframe has been published by dol, so take this info with caution.

• several group members have reported that there does now appear to be a dedicated pua/self-employment team at the dol call center. still no clarity on a direct number to reach them.

• you will only receive a call back from dol if they need more info for your pua application, if you have documentation missing, if they need to see supplemental documentation for some reason.

  • in order to receive a call back, make sure that your phone number is listed on your account.

  • if you are missing documentation, you could also be sent a message via the messaging center in “my online services” or sent snail mail

  • some folks, like me, are unable to add a phone number to your account (don’t know why)— these people will need to call dol themselves to check on the status of their application.

• certify for your benefits every sunday under the normal ui certification option in your account

  • “my online services” page >>

  • “unemployment insurance” box (on bottom right of screen) >>

  • “unemployment services” button >>

  • “claim weekly benefits” button

ui + pua notes for uber and lyft drivers (published: 4/13/20)

though it’s being fought tooth and nail, states like new york, california, new jersey, and perhaps others, have passed legislation that requires companies like uber and lyft to classify their drivers as employees. this means that drivers qualify for benefits like traditional unemployment insurance, amongst other things.

though the companies are still fighting and fighting what is now law in some states, i believe that many drivers will begin to find that their traditional unemployment insurance applications are being approved (i already heard of at least one such case for a 1099 uber employee via a facebook group). this is great news, because hopefully you’ll be saved from the snail’s crawl that is the pua approval process.

for more insights into the rulings by the aforementioned states:

• forbes.com | 7/20/18 | new york

  • New York Gives Uber Drivers Unemployment Rights In Blow To Nonemployee Model

• fortune.com | 7/21/18 | new york

  • Uber Drivers Are Employees, New York Unemployment Insurance Board Rules

• nytimes.com | 9/11/19 | california

  • California Bill Makes App-Based Companies Treat Workers as Employees

• nytimes.com | 11/14/19 | new jersey

  • Uber Fined $649 Million for Saying Drivers Aren’t Employees

• wired.com | 1/3/20 | california

  • Now the Courts Will Decide Whether Uber Drivers Are Employees

city councilman brad lander’s freelancer, artist, gig worker resources on ui, pua, + more (published: 4/8/20)

brad lander hosted a great call with city, state, national officials and organizers a week or two back about UI, PUA, and other freelancer concerns. his office has created a page with many types of resources for freelancers, including UI + PUA topics. if you scroll to the bottom of the resource page, you can watch the video replay of the call. also consider signing up for brad’s email list— he’s a great community resource and organizer in many respects.

holding duality for my birthday.

you can. i gotta keep telling myself.

yesterday, i turned 36 and took a stroll around the city as i have over my last few birthdays. people watching, practicing mindfulness, popping into shops, and eating some great food along the way. the simple things that allow presence and gratitude fill me up.

after a beautiful lunch honoring south asian women, i walked into the lush and wonderfully curated rizzoli bookstore. almost immediately, i became emotional; all the books were people’s stories and hearts all around me— all the labor, love, tenderness, pain, fervor, triumph, quirks and imperfections of all these human journeys. all these individual truths laid out to be witnessed.

it felt sacred. i found my fingertips grazing the covers, soaking in the simple profundity of this recognition and reality; wanting to intentionally sit and be with all that was in front of me.

one of the first titles i stopped to pick up was dark money by jane mayer— a book that had been recommended to me about a year ago when canvassing for the midterm elections. it’s about how a few billionaire families have been puppeteering american politics and what we should know + perhaps do about it. that shit heavy.

as i was putting that book down, a guy walked up and reached around me to drop back a book he had been browsing— homo deus by yuval noah harari, a renowned oxford educated historian. harari’s titles had also been recommend to me, one of which happens to be the top book reco of mark zuckerberg and bill gates. homo deus, which postulates on the future of humanity, is the second in a triology— first is sapiens, a history of humanity, and third is 21 lessons for the 21st century, a prescription for moving forward in light of the dystopia harari predicts and maps out in homo deus. based off the book jacket, let’s just say that the future feels awful bleak and inhuman.

i felt myself buzzing and lightheaded, hoping to take flight outside of my body somewhere— a place where i didn’t need to make sense of things.

i generally try to shield myself from consuming much at all about the state of the world because it quite literally makes it near impossible for me to function. i largely know what i need to know about what’s fucked up. i’d like to focus on the part where we heal it.

my disembodied frame is standing at a display table in the middle of the bookstore. who knows where we will end up. we might perish soon. i don’t know why, but i figure i should probably try to keep hope.

i compose myself the best i can and tell myself that though i’m falling out, the wisdom of this heralded historian is likely worth the strife to arm myself with the knowledge i need for the fight ahead. i make note to start reading sapiens soon.

i scoot over one or two display tables away. i see oprah’s new book, the path made clear. i remember hearing an audio preview of the book on her podcast and feeling like i could personally do without it. the cover looked corny. nonetheless, i cracked it open to ‘see what this thing was talking about.’

i realized that the book isn’t just about life in general, but it’s about identifying and living your purpose with wisdom, insights, and advice— a companion for the various hurdles along this path. these bits are pulled from oprah’s interviews with successful folks over the years. trying to clarify and figure out how to live my purpose has been the prime focus of my life for the last 3-5 years.

i thumbed through the chapters, doing an extremely cursory skim to get a better feel of what the book was trying to do, and perhaps benefit from an insightful quote or two. i started finding bits that hit and knew this book would be peppered with reminders i really need during this time in my life. i began tearing up. then i found a phrase that almost mirrored the title of a podcast i’ve been meditating on creating for about a year, and that i’ve begun to give more serious attention to in recent weeks.

i was now on the verge of melting into a puddle of tears in the middle of the bookstore. tears streamed down my face and as i sniffled, i felt the security walk away from near me to give me some privacy.

i was crying, first, at the divine orchestration that led me to open up the book despite my initial disinterest. second, and more searingly, i was crying at the contrast of hope and despair i’d experienced just moments apart.

to traverse this wide span of converse emotion in such a short timeframe had me shook; what a wild array of stuff life is.

i came to some conclusions.

i don’t know anything, but i know that a courageously open heart will always win. in light of a dystopian future that might or might not be out of our hands, i believe that love counts for something significant no matter what ultimately happens. it does lighten the load to believe that our bodies are just one piece of the universal puzzle of consciousness.

i am thankful for the reminder of the preciousness of life; to take each moment, each sensation that we are gifted to be able to perceive as a privilege and blessing.

i endeavor to be here, actually here, the best i can with whatever i am given; to allow myself space, freedom, and permission to just be in the world with no agenda, no plan, and no to do list— on a regular basis. to exist in gratitude and intention and fullness in every moment.

in fearing for the future of material existence, i somehow can’t help but be shaken into a piercingly clear recognition of how lucky i am to be here. i consciously receive this existence. thank you. i accept the privilege of honoring this body, this planet, and its inhabitants while i’ve got em <3

bleeker: a personal + professional development fellowship

in january 2017, i'll be joining the good folks at bleeker for a unique year-long personal and professional development fellowship. unlike many fellowships, bleeker does not hinge on a monetary grant but instead gifts its fellows with a thoughtfully crafted resource framework. the core of the program includes four main elements — executive coaching, monthly workshops, mentorship, and a full-time administrative assistant — intended to actively and regularly engage fellows in their development process.

bleeker has two fellowship cycles each year in both new york city and the bay area. one cycle begins in january and the other begins in july. applications for the july nyc and bay area cohorts are still open and are due january 31. you can go to this link for more detailed info about the fellowship and to apply.

before beginning our first group session in january, we were asked to fill out a questionnaire to help guide our experience; they said it would take 20 minutes but i knew i was going to have to set a few hours aside when i saw questions on there like “what is your purpose?” if you read my inaugural blog post, you know that’s a question i’m constantly asking myself that is forever yielding new nuance and answers. 

as always, i learned more about myself and my path from this inquiry and also got pretty real about some shit that somehow even surprised me. like, how the 'positive' and 'negative' ways people might describe me are almost opposites or two sides of the same coin. or how the “projects” reflecting my abilities that i was most moved to write first have nothing to do with my photography career. i also came away grateful for the subtle and new articulations i found to communicate how i presently view my purpose and path. you can dig into my questionnaire below:

describe a positive impact that you've made on your community, neighborhood, company, city or country.

by being honest and open about my challenges, my growth, and who i am, i have inspired others to find their strength and follow their truth.

describe the positive impact that you intend to create in the future.

more of the above but with more structure and intentionality; applying that same ethos to various models for conversations, art, media, community spaces, cultural exchange, and social problem solving. with an additional focus on integrating a value of healing into our daily work, lives, relationships, and into a new paradigm for activism. specific areas of impact i am interested in are feminism (+ challenging what that's come to mean in the mainstream),  multiculturalism, and social equality for marginalized groups.

describe the projects that you've initiated, led or contributed to that best define your abilities.

'the forum' - founding + moderating a discussion group series about whatever is on participants' hearts and minds in the moment; 'freewrite' - a social media short poem/personal adage series that encourages mindfulness, awareness, vulnerability, and authenticity; leading an intro to chi gong session in my home after a particularly challenging time with police brutality news & helping soothe my peers' systems; keeping a photography business and portfolio thatconsciously represent and honor people of color; capturing people through portraits that are honest and down to earth; creating space to capture raw and vulnerable cast portraits for the 'fit the description' documentary (it features honest conversations between black male police officers and black male civilians)

what is your purpose?

to foster healing and peace by extracting and illuminating truth from confusion, chaos, and seeming contradiction/disparity; and as such, to be a bridge for people and institutions. i see myself as a communicator/storyteller, strategic facilitator, and community builder.

what are your principles or values? (the rules that guide your personal and professional actions when no one is looking.)

authenticity, truth, healing, justice, balance, inner peace, contentment, mindfulness.

describe your personality. (how would your friends, teammates, family members and collaborators describe what it's like to spend time with you?)

insightful, intense, loving, silly, withdrawn/in her own world; what it's like to spend time with me? sometimes healing, inspiring, warm, and other times uncomfortable, challenging, isolating. 

what is your professional trajectory?

i am interested in using my experience with photography, writing, media, marketing, and community building to conceive and produce multidisciplinary projects for social impact-- whether that entails me drawing from my own skills/talents or acting more as a visionary and culling the talents of other individuals. at the moment, my sights are primarily on devising a web-based social project + community spaces that foster empathy, conversation, learning breakthroughs, healing, and creative activism.

seher.co is here and this is why

photo // self portrait

writing this is the most nerve-wracking shit i’ve done in a while. in anticipation, i ate a whole meal and drank some water just before starting. still, i find myself dizzy. heart’s beating fast. something like public speaking jitters except the only thing i’m actually facing in this moment is myself. maybe it’s not so peculiar; our relationship with ourselves is ultimately the most frightening and highest stakes one of all. 

putting myself out there to the internet world is requiring me to more firmly own myself and the things i am about to share.

launching this new website means many things to me at once:

• self acceptance and stepping into my name
• getting out of my own way and honoring my work
• owning both what i know and what i don’t know about my purpose
• taking what i do know and formally claiming a career pivot
• a jumping off point for projects that embrace my skills and interests more fully
• a platform with the intentionality to communicate who i am and what i stand for

this site will be a living representation of my personal and professional metamorphosis in progress. you will find projects popping up in my new ‘projects’ section that may involve photography or have nothing to do with photography at all. this site is me officially giving myself license to do whatever the fuck i want — and a declaration to others of the dynamism and relationship with the unknown i intend to fully embrace.

and this blog will perhaps be the thread that weaves it all together. just like everything, i have no concrete plans for it. the possibilities: anything and everything on my mind and in my world. a window into my process and my path to purpose. still, definitely open, fluid, and real.

i bought this domain about two and a half years ago, just because i thought it would be good to own my name in this way online. i began to consider that it might be nice to move my website to this URL. soon, that tiny thought became a decided leaning towards changing my business name and web address to just “seher.” rehes creative just didn’t fit anymore, and by some miracle, i felt this unfamiliar pull to embrace my given name.

i spent most of my adult life brushing off compliments about how pretty my name is because it was never something i believed myself. apathy probably better described our relationship. i was teased for my name from childhood through high school and in retrospect, it came to represent the many ways i was different and didn’t fit in; i’d wrapped up much of my not-good-enough-ness in it. i realized that in naming myself “rehes” (my name backwards), it was my subconscious trying to hide from myself and the shame that came with my name.

i quickly became clear that owning “seher” represented a deeper shift: i was ready to more fully own and accept myself.

i started thinking about my name, particularly in the vein of career shifts i’d been thinking about. seher translates to dawn. i thought about beginnings, the sun; i realized my personal work of the last two years had lead me to explore coming into myself as an initiator, an illuminator. i’d also recently learned that my name in german means seer; another connection — i had spent the last two years deeply awakening to my intuition and inner knowing.

the inherent resonance my given name shares with the true self i have been unfolding gave me profound pause.

an intuitive initiator and illuminator; sharing and championing the truth of things, the truth of us — that is, in fact, what i care about most. writing this, i am in awe once again.

i’ve shared a bit about finding my purpose and exploring a career pivot on social media. recently, i wrote:

i’m coming to see myself more as a thinker, artistic communicator, and facilitator for the universal good. where i’m going, photography and writing — amongst other skills i intend to conscientiously develop — are simply my tools for self expression, individual/community/global healing, and mobilization towards social change. these values form the root of all things for me now — not photography, not writing, nor any other skill or talent i may possess.

i’ve spent the last couple years engaging in deep spiritual work to identify my life’s purpose and true gifts. upon getting a grasp on the general themes, it quickly became clear that my career needed to shift; as far as what the details look like, i accept that i cannot force the natural process of inner awakening — it’s all still a work in progress.

during this period, my relationship with photography has constantly been hazy and in flux; figuring out how to redefine my relationship with photography as i explore a somewhat nebulous career pivot is a constant challenge.

the last couple years found me frequently disconnected from photography and even resenting it; in so desperately wanting to figure out the complete picture of my purpose, photography oftentimes felt like a mindless distraction. so through all that, it feels really great to be able to say that this new site and the new work i’m sharing are something i feel proud of. i don't take time to do that too often — stop to feel proud of myself and celebrate myself. 

going through the labor of launching this site and framing it in a way that leaves open space for the other pieces of me and my talents that are slowly emerging — for me, it’s fuel. to look at work that i like is affirmation that i do want to keep shooting and reclaim my relationship with photography — reincarnating it into something that more fully speaks to my spirit and that of others.

as i continue my process of personal discovery, i am constantly updating what i think is exactly my purpose. right now, how i’ve chosen to phrase it is:

using art, media, and community building to promote personal healing and social equality.

i see personal transformation and healing as powerful catalysts for activism and social change. in some way, i also see my work exploring this important intersection. where i currently stand, the issues closest to my heart are social equality for women and people of color, and personal healing as it relates to mental health and the body-mind connection (subtle energy stuff).

in expanding the scope of my work, i have natural strengths i’m looking to exercise and develop. these include: idea generation, creative problem solving, facilitation (people + groups + ideas), storytelling (speaking + writing + photography), leadership, strategic planning, and building safe community spaces.

to help me do this, i am looking to connect with people working in progressive and interdisciplinary spaces in the arts, media, personal healing, and social equality. i’d like to partner with people and/or organizations already doing work in this realm — even in a volunteer capacity — to inform my career pivot and process of personal discovery by diving into the work itself. i want to begin exercising my entire skill set, contribute towards meaningful causes, get a lay of the land, and connect with like minded individuals. 

if anyone is willing and able to make an introduction, i would love to link with any relevant people, organizations, or companies. even if only for an informational interview! 

in any case — my deep gratitude to you for reading this far. and to so many of you — thank you for believing in me and in my work countless times where inside i was secretly at war with both. you've kept me going.